I wish I’d known the park had a duck pond before we left the house. I would have packed along bread for our lets-go-to-a-new-park adventure. Our lack of bread was only a minor impediment to our kids. They had no qualms about begging bread from the other pond visitors around us. I had qualms, but the bread was always in their hands before I had a chance to speak up. I decided not to make an issue of not begging for bread. Instead I watched them throw bread to ducks. And I felt the warm breeze and the pleasant radiance of the evening sun. I shared in their joy when they realized that some of the bread was being snatched by a school of fish. The sideways rays of the sun betrayed the fish in their murky hiding places, giving them flashes of shining color under the water. There is something fascinating and soothing about feeding ducks, and fish too. It requires one to be still and to observe, for boisterousness will scatter the creatures you’re attempting to entice.
After a time we wandered away from the pond to explore a big grassy field, a set of swings, a fountain, and a playground. Wandering was the point really. So much of our family life has been dictated by business needs and schedules, the kids were due an evening when I wandered according to their whims. I did have to do some maneuvering to get the whims of three children pointed in the same direction, but the schedule was theirs rather than mine. We eventually quested in search of a drinking fountain because Gleek claimed she was near death from thirst. Our park trip had been so impromptu that I didn’t even pack along water bottles. I’d only handed them sandwiches for dinner as we hopped into the car. (The crusts of which were sacrificed to the ducks quite gleefully.) Having quenched her dire thirst, Gleek collapsed on the ground. She sprang up quickly enough when Link and Patch decided to explore under the branches of a tree which drooped all the way to the ground.
I had a moment to myself as they disappeared into the tree. I thought a moment of Kiki who is off on her pioneer trek. I thought of Howard off at his gaming night. Then I closed my eyes and just absorbed the calm of the moment. For that space I had put aside all the tasks of my life just to be. I though how calm and happy I felt and I spent a moment pondering if I should seek more undirected time in my life. I know I need some, but not too much I think. Too much undirected time leads to boredom and dissatisfaction rather than happiness. I need my life to be full of things, but I also need to make spaces for just wandering and feeling happy.
When the kids were ready to leave, we stopped by the grocery store to buy ice cream. And peanut butter cups. and m&m candies. These treats were artfully combined into great bowls of sugar which we consumed while playing Uno. No one won. No one lost. There were some sad moments, just like any competitive game will produce when children are involved. Games are good practice for managing small disappointments. But most of all there was laughter and teasing. They went to bed tired. I had no concrete reason for not attending my Writer Girl’s Group this evening other than “I should be home with the kids.” Now I know why. I needed to be with them, to really give them a whole evening before we part ways for a week. They’ve had far too little time with relaxed parents this summer.