Not what I was expecting
I have been anticipating this day for months. This is the day when all four of my kids trouped off for a full day of school. This is the day when all the chaos of convention preparation and clean-up is over. This is the day when the major shippings are all complete. This is the day when I know for sure exactly how much money we have to live on for the next six months. It was supposed to be a day of relief. Instead it has been a whole wash of emotions, like some wild abstract with the largest parts painted in depression, fear, and anxiety. Relief doesn’t appear anywhere in the picture. I am not relieved today.
In analyzing where these emotions are coming from, I realized that I was like the hiker who is looking ahead to the top of the hill. I’ve been planning to be on top of the hill, intending to rejoice. I could not see anything past that hill. Now I stand on top and I see how much further I have to walk. I see that there are other hills ahead of me. We’re already talking about major conventions and shipping events for next year. There will be more expenses and stresses. There will be an unending stream of needs to meet. The view makes me tired instead of triumphant.
Identifying the cause has really helped to dispel most of the negative emotions. Howard and I had a great conversation where we discussed all our financial details and laid out plans for how to proceed. We hashed out plans both for family and business. Now I can start walking again and remember that even though there is a lot of stuff ahead of me, this is a really lovely hike. It is time for me to stop staring ahead either in fear or anticipation. It is time for me to walk where I am and relish the gifts that today provides. Not the least of which is two more quiet hours before I get to welcome home all my not-so-little-anymore people. Then I think we will go feed ducks. I am not relieved today, but I’ve found some happiness despite it all.