Day: October 1, 2009

In adventure/drama movies there is often a scene where Character X is desperate/overwrought/frantic and Character Z must attempt to restrain  X from an action that would be detrimental.  Sometimes it is one person stopping another from running into a burning building.  Sometimes it is one person stopping another from diving into a fight.  The key is that Z restrains while X struggles, flails, and beats upon Z in an effort to escape restraint.  The crisis passes and the scene moves on.  We frequently get to watch how X regains composure, but it is not often that the film shows the effect of this moment on Z.   Character Z had to stand there and be pummeled.  Z had to hold tight and not get pulled off balance.  Z frequently has no clue whether thanks or blame will be coming later.  When all is said and done, Z must be tired, bruised, sore, and emotionally wrung.

I have a lot of sympathy for Z.  I’ve been Z.  I have never had a dramatic moment such as those in film, but I can not count the number of times that I have physically restrained a flailing child, often for the child’s safety.  It isn’t always physical either.  Of late the battleground has been homework and Link has been playing the part of X.  He twists, and mopes, and throws pencils, and deliberately provokes others, and breaks pencils, and yells, and whines.  It is all flailing in an effort to escape restriction.  My job is to hold tight and require him to do the work.  Unsurprisingly, once he stops fighting it, the work goes quickly and fairly easily.  Then Link skips away, free to squabble with siblings over games instead.  I am left feeling pummeled, bruised, sore, and emotionally wrung.

This will not last forever.  I know it won’t.  Kiki had a similarly bad patch when she was in 5th and 6th grades.  It passed.  I’ve got the Kiki experience to draw upon, so I’m better equipped to handle it.  At the moment things are bad because I had a meeting with his teacher on Monday and we figured out how to require him to get work done.  Link has been educationally cornered, thus the flailing.  Each evening the flailing is less.  Each conflict gives me clues about how to manage better.  How to anticipate, prepare, prevent.  But there is so much to manage all at once.  Link is not the only child with homework.  I may have to move the Link homework battles into the after school hours to leave space for the Gleek/Kiki/Patch homework battles in the after dinner hour.  Last Spring the post-dinner hour was a very pleasant time of day.  At the moment it is the most grueling.  It uses up my patience so the kids have a cranky mommy at bedtime.  I need to shuffle so that Nice Mommy gets to do bedtime instead.

It is hard to stand firm and not be pulled off balance.  It is particularly hard when the other person is simultaneously trying to flail their way free and really hoping that you stay strong.  Kids want to know that parents will stay calm and firm for the things that are right.  Link would love to escape his writing homework, but he would also feel bad about not doing it.  He needs me to take the pummeling calmly.  He needs me to stand firm.  Later, when the battle is over it is okay for him to see that standing firm wore me out, but in the moment he needs to see calm assurance.  I just wish it didn’t make me so tired.

I’ve been dealing with some tiring stuff this past week.  None of it is difficult or drama laden.  I just get worn down by the one-thing-after-another with few breaks in between.  I am worn down by the end of most days.  Often I feel like crying.  The parenting load is particularly heavy because of the time I spend worrying about long term repercussions of the day’s decisions.

My tiredness does not change the fact that I am much happier this Fall than I was last Summer or Spring.  I am still buried under things to do, things which wear me out, things which tax my capabilities, but last Spring I kept sacrificing important things to manage urgent things.  Now I am spending most of my days on the things which have long term importance to me. The difference is huge.  Even when I am so tired I want to sit and cry, I feel calm.  At peace.  Life is not easy, but it is good.

The good news is that things are going to get even better.  The kids have already settled in to the school year, but as we keep going they’ll get practiced at interpreting the desires of their teachers.  They’ll internalize the expectations and make meeting them habitual.  All of that will take time.  Some days are going to be harder than others, but on the whole I think we’ll see slow improvement in the next few months.  Status quo through Thanksgiving sounds really good to me.  After that we’ll be headed for Holiday shipping and the finishing touches on a book.  December is always busy.