I figured out part of what has been throwing me off balance since school started. My hours feel spacious and empty, but my head is constantly full. I have lots to think about, but not all that much which requires instant action. This is not the same as having nothing to do; laundry, dishes, cleaning, gardening, and writing are always waiting for me to get them done; but for the most part those things are not urgent. The things that are urgent tend to be homework management or helping a child sort through today’s flavor of drama. These can occupy hours of time, sap all my energy, and the result is completely intangible.
I’m left with a feeling that time is slipping away and simultaneously plodding. I can hardly believe it is November already and yet so many emotional events have been crammed into the time that I sometimes marvel that it is only November. Sometimes I look around and feel like I’m at a really good place that efforts are coming to fruition. Other times it all feels like a hopeless tangled mess and there is no measurable progress. I look ahead to the pressures of book launch with anticipation because it will force me to focus and create forward momentum. I also dread the pressures of book launch because I can not picture myself properly managing the current parenting load while also under a time crunch.
This all swirls in my head until I just want to find a way to turn my brain off. That leads to playing too many levels on Plants vs Zombies, or watching movies, or re-reading books. Then I get to the end of the day and look around guiltily at all the non-urgent tasks which still need doing.
I feel like we’re slowly working through this. As their needs are being met, the kids are being less needy. We’ve got the homework structures into place. I’ve solidified my relationships with this year’s crop of teachers. It is getting better and I feel like we’re doing solid foundation work that will carry us through the next few years. This time is important. I can’t skip it. I don’t want to skip it. I just wish it didn’t wear me out so fast with so little tangible evidence of my efforts.