Month: January 2010

Roller Skates and Falling Down

By / January 21, 2010

My knee hurts today and it makes me glad. I scraped and bruised it while attempting a one footed turn on roller skates. The injury doesn’t prevent me from accomplishing anything I want to get done, which is good. Instead feel the twinges and think “Oh yeah, I got to do a fun thing yesterday.”

I didn’t expect the roller skate outing to be as much fun as it was. I was one of three adult women shepherding a dozen girls ages 8-11. I expected to be bored while watching the girls skate. But then we walked in and the rink was almost empty. And the music was playing. And sitting still seemed like a silly choice. So I ponied up my dollar and put on a pair of skates. Then I rolled.

I had a roller skating party for my fourteenth birthday. My three friends and I huddled and giggled while examining the teenage boys who were also present. We even spoke to the boys once or twice. I remember rolling on the skates, feeling beautiful in my new peach colored sweater. I skated carefully, so as not to fall down in front of those boys or my friends. I gave one of the boys my phone number when he asked for it. He never called.

More than 20 years later I rolled skates on concrete again. I didn’t have pretty new clothes or anyone to impress. Other than being available to pick up a fallen girl, I had no obligations. So I rolled. And when the music was good I danced a little while rolling. And I attempted tricks I would not have dared do at fourteen. I am far more confident in myself and my body than I was then. I have figured out that half of looking good is not being afraid to look silly. So I did some tricks. And I fell down and scraped my knee.

That moment, the falling moment, was a bit of a reality check. I over balanced. I could not catch myself and I saw the concrete coming. Uprighting myself, and examining my knee to assess the seriousness of the damage, I realized that there are other differences between fourteen and thirty-six. Children and teens are far less likely to be seriously injured after a fall. Their bodies have elasticity and resilience which fades with the years.

I’ve been skating several times in between my fourteenth birthday and yesterday. I’ve been skating several times in the past couple of years. Our elementary school has monthly skate nights and the kids frequently beg me into going. So I went. And I wore skates. And I skated carefully, slowly building confidence. And I was pleased with myself for not falling down at all.

I stood up in the rink and flexed my injured knee. I could tell it was not broken. I knew it would be colorfully bruised. Only later did I discover that it was scraped under the pants. I had been given a reality check, and I had a choice. I could skate to the side. I could stop attempting tricks. Or I could accept the fact that falling down is part of learning. My body is no expert on skates. I have not had much practice perfecting basic skate moves. If I want to get that practice, I have to be willing to fall. Then I have to be willing to get up and try again. So I did.

I fell once more before the evening was over. I spared my knee by bruising a hand. I did not seek to fall down, but I did not let fear of falling prevent me from trying new things. I did better with each thing I attempted. When the time came to leave I was tired, but triumphant. So each time my knee twinges today, it reminds me that I got up and went on. It reminds me of the graceful flying moments which were all about the wind and the wheels and the music. The true measure of triumph is not in avoiding the fall, but in getting up to try again after it.

Home Alone

By / January 20, 2010 / 1 Comment

“Mom, do you ever get lonely when Dad leaves and we’re all at school?” asks Link.

I glance at him in the rear view mirror. In a few moments we’ll be at the school and I’ll drop him off along with his two younger siblings.

“Sometimes.” I answer “But other times I am glad to have the house to myself.” More often the latter than the former, but I am not yet sure why we are having this conversation and I do not want to make my son feel unwanted.

“Oh.” Says Link.

“I remember a time when you left me and Patch alone together. It was a little scary.” Interjects Gleek.

“Yeah.” adds Patch.

I smile a little. They were only alone for about 10 minutes while I ran to pick up Link from school on a day that they were home from school sick.

My children live in a very different world than I do. They are sheltered, protected. For all of their young lives there has been a larger person nearby to whom they could turn in times of distress. They don’t get to be home alone until they are much older, as Link is older. He is old enough to stay home by himself. He is old enough to think about what Mom does while he is gone at school, and to wonder what my experience is like. “Home alone” is delightful for me. I rejoice in the freedom to choose my pursuits without interruption. For my children, being home alone is a frightening responsibility. The sheltering cover is removed and they feel exposed.

“I just thought you would be lonely.” said Link.

“I like to have the house to myself for awhile, but then I am glad to have everyone come home.” I answer, even though he has not really asked me a question this time.

Link nods and we arrive at school. Three kids climb out through the front passenger side door since the sliding door is unendingly broken. Someday I’ll take it in to be fixed, but today I’m glad that I can give each of my kids a hug as they climb past me. They are off to have their adventures at school. I’m headed home to be alone so that I can be glad when they return.

The year ahead

By / January 19, 2010

I’ve been re-reading blog entries from last year and it is making me feel stressed. I did a really good job of catching the chaos of book shipping and convention attendance in words. When I re-read, I remember how it was to scramble to put a book together, to scramble to organize and ship 3000 books. I remember these things and know that I have them ahead of me this year.

Then I stop and remind myself that this year is not last year. Last year was full of new experiments. We printed boxes for sets. We printed a black and white, text-heavy book (XDM X-Treme Dungeon Mastery.) We also did our first re-print. Last year was all about shifting and experimenting. This year will be about stabilizing. We will be busy, but we will be busy with familiar processes rather than new ones. This is good because I got mightily exhausted from hiking up learning curves.

I have a plan for this year. I have attempted to balance the family schedule and the work schedule to make they co-operate. I have scheduled the necessary child-care for the trips I will need to make. (My guilt at leaning on my relatives twice per year so I can attend conventions is a post unto itself.) Our year has spaces in it, which last year did not. But I still worry, because I know how quickly needs and deadlines can shift in crazy ways. I also anticipate, because so much of what we have ahead of us is going to be fun as well as busy.

At the doctor’s office

By / January 18, 2010

Through the wonders of modern technology and unsecured wireless internet, I am posting this from the waiting room of the doctor’s office. I’m starting to feel like I’m participating in Sartre’s No Exit. Either that or I’m in Dr. Seuss’ The Waiting Place. Not happy either way. Our hopes for a quick diagnosis of Howard’s lingering cough are waning. Odds are good that we’ve spent all this time (three hours now) and money (yet to be determined) to be told that they can’t find anything specific. Yeesh. Can I go home now? Please? I’m hungry.

Eligible for the Hugo: Longshorman of the Apocalypse

By / January 17, 2010

The Hugo award for Best Graphic Story was voted into existence for another two years. Howard and I are pleased to see the category survive because it allows Hugo voters to honor those who are putting art with their science fiction and fantasy concepts. We also hope that this will encourage all the Hugo voters to seek out the best graphic stories and enjoy them.

This year Schlock Mercenary: The Longshoreman of the Apocalypse is eligible for the award. As we did last year, we are providing the entire book in pdf format for those who can nominate and vote in the Hugo awards. If some downloaded copies end up on the hard drives of non-voting but sci fi loving folks, that’s okay too. We’re happy to make it easier for you to share the Schlock you love.

The file is 42 MB. Get the pdf

The things I don’t write about

By / January 16, 2010

I have been gathering and revising blog entries into a book of essays. I intend for the book to have five categories exploring my interactions with family, community, myself, my work, and God. The category that I am having the hardest time filling is the last one. This is not for lack of experiences. I am surrounded by experiences that I feel are inspired, guided, and blessed. I have them all the time, but I tend not to write about them publicly.

This reticence has several aspects. First and foremost, I do not want to alienate anyone. I have friends and strangers reading this blog who believe things which are very different than what I believe. I know that there are people out there for whom the very fact that I believe in God, particularly a god who communicates with me, would make them view me askance. So I keep my writing about that aspect of my life to a minimum. I try to use words that are as religiously neutral as possible. I suppose I am trying to emphasize the points of connection rather than disconnection. I believe that people of different religions, atheism, or agnosticism all have much in common. I am more interested in building bridges than I am in making a stand.

Another reason I tend to not write about the spiritual things in my life is that the experiences tend to be intensely personal. They are sacred to me and they must be protected if they are to remain sacred. There are some things which will never get put into an essay. There are some things which don’t even get shared beyond my very closest family and friends. There are even things which don’t get shared at all because they are for me alone. But there are lots of things that I can share, and sometimes I do.

Sharing things that are personal is scary. I feel vulnerable when I do so. But as I look back on the track record of this blog, I realize that opening myself up and sharing my experiences has been overwhelmingly positive. Yes I give others greater power to wound me, but for the most part that has not happened. Instead I discover closer connections to the people around me.

I don’t know that the balance of what I do and don’t write about in my blog needs to change, but examining the reasons behind the decisions is useful. I learn a lot about myself when I dig into the motivations behind my decisions. I learn even more when I examine my own assumptions so that I can see what they are. I may discover nothing that needs to be changed, but even if I don’t, it is good to see where I am coming from as I try to tackle my life’s choices and challenges.

Some days are just made of win

By / January 15, 2010

Each of my four kids had a friend over for several hours. There wasn’t a single conflict. Link and his friend disappeared into Link’s room to film video. Patch and his friend took over the TV to play Boom Blocks. Gleek and her friend braided each other’s hair while listening to an audio book of Anne of Green Gables. Kiki and her friend invited me to play a game of Dominion. Everyone had fun. Next there will be frozen pizza. Possibly there will also be a movie.

And in my spare time, I solve mysteries

By / January 15, 2010

I am a writer, but I am not a writer first. My life is full of things which are not writing. Many of those things are more important or more urgent than writing. I know a lot of other writers and this is true for most of them. Life gets in the way of writing, but we put up with it because all that interference give us experiences to write about. Or at least in theory. A lot of my personal interference has to do with dishes, laundry, and carpooling, not really the stuff from which gripping drama can be crafted.

I am constantly amused by the portrayals of writers in written and televised fiction. They spend very little time actually writing. Instead they’re off having adventures, or relationships, or solving mysteries. (Some examples: Murder She Wrote, Castle, As Good as it Gets, Bones, Romancing the Stone.) This is because watching some one write is boring. Often being the person doing the writing is tedious. Even when doing the writing is thrilling and invigorating, all the excitement is internal. From the outside it just looks like a person typing, and maybe smiling, occasionally cackling with glee. It looks a little disturbed, but not fascinating viewing for extended periods of time.

So what does a writer’s life really look like? The answers are as varied as the writers themselves. I know writers who are students, government employees, stay-at-home parents, business owners, teachers, and just about any other life role you can think of. Some of the writers I know are full-time, writing is their primary job. But even these writers have lives that are full of other things. To be a full time writer is to own a small business and there are piles of administrative tasks involved. All of these other life roles reduce the amount of time a person can spend in the writer role.

In the past 3 months I’ve finally found writing time in chunks rather than snippets. It is luxurious to be able to spend two hours writing on a single day. Most often I get 3 or 4 fifteen minute spans of time during which I scribble notes or compose sentences. I use the time spent carpooling, dish doing, laundry sorting, to think thoughts so I can scribble them down when the opportune moment arrives. But some days there is no time for thinking or writing at all. This is why writer/mystery shows are complete fantasy. I don’t know any professional writers who have time to spare for wandering around finding clues.

Playing Dragon Age

By / January 14, 2010

Ours is a video game family. The kids play games regularly and Howard goes through periods of regular play spaced by hiatuses. I used to play. I loved the Zelda games on the N64. But that was back when I had two small kids who loved to watch Mommy play because they did not have the skills to beat the games themselves. Me playing a game was a family bonding activity. It was only a few years later that the kids were taking the controller from my hands. My game play became competition rather than entertainment. I also became very busy. With my time at a premium I found it hard to allow myself to invest energy into a game.

Then came Dragon Age. Howard got it for Christmas. At first I watched Howard play. Then the older kids picked it up and began to play. I became fascinated by the story mechanics in the game. The things said in dialogue changed the story for the rest of the game and I found myself wondering what the story would have been like if the player chose differently. My curiosity grew until I picked up a controller and started my own game. I was quickly hooked. This game engages the same part of my brain which I use to write fiction. I get to help craft stories around characters, but I don’t have to worry about plot holes because the game designers have thought it all through for me.

Eventually the game will run out of plot lines for me to follow. This is a good thing, because the game is eating chunks of time. Video games are expensive. The equipment is expensive. The time is expensive. My creative brain space is expensive. But playing the game showed me something about myself. I don’t often engage in activities where the only point is my own enjoyment. I frequently do things I enjoy, but they are always attached to a larger purpose. I don’t have many hobbies. Dragon Age as a hobby is nice because I can see that it is self-limiting. I’ll spend time on it for awhile and then I will stop. I just need to make sure that I do my important things first. This will make my interesting hobby last much longer.

Notes from a presentation on journaling/blogging

By / March 26, 2011

I gave a 20 minute presentation on blogging and journaling this evening. It was a really enjoyable experience. I love getting to talk about the writing that I love to do. It was nice to share that love with people who were considering picking it up. What follows here is notes from my presentation. This is mostly for my benefit. I may have to give a similar presentation some time in the future and this way I can start from the notes I already have. It also allows me to point people to this entry instead of creating a piece of paper to hand out. Perhaps it will even be useful to someone who was not at tonight’s event. Keep in mind that these notes only served as a jumping off point for discussions which were much more nuanced and specific.

The difference between blogging and journaling: Journaling is primarily private, the only intended audience is yourself. Blogging has an audience in mind even if that audience is only one other person. Both blogs and journals can contain personal thoughts, events, experiences, or commentary.

Costs and Benefits:
Both cost time, energy and brain space. Some of the tools require practice to use.
Writing thoughts down helps them be clearer and more focused. It slows them down so they can be examined.
That slow down provides a conduit for inspiration and seeing things in a new way.
In a public blog, sometimes you get comments. That can be either a cost or a benefit depending upon the nature of the comments.
Can be a wonderful way to connect with family, friends, or even meet new people.

Tools:
Paper and pencil- journals don’t have to be elaborate. I’ve grabbed scraps of paper before. But I recommend a method where the bits of paper won’t get lost.
Bound book- this can be anything from a special tome purchased for the purpose to a ten cent spiral notebook. At times I have found the spiral notebook to be very nice because it is so relaxed. I scribble all my notes, math calculations, lists, etc in the same place and it becomes a record of my life at the time.
Online- Lots of options. I’ll only list the three I know personally
Livejournal – An online community which has friends lists similar to facebook. People can lock their entries according to who they want seeing the entries. Read their site for more details.
Blogger – A journal or blog here can be completely password protected, or open to the public. Read their site for more details.
Own Domain name – This takes a lot more effort to set up, but can be very flexible and useful.

Stumbling Blocks:
“My life is boring” – No it isn’t. All of our lives are full of things that would be fascinating to someone who lives differently. Find the little stories in your life. The odd conversation in the grocery store line. The child’s lost tooth. Think of the stuff you would tell to a friend you haven’t spoken to for a day or a week. You can carry a little notebook to scribble notes about things as they happen so that you don’t come up blank when the time comes to write.

“It is a burden” The blog or journal is yours. You own it, it should not own you. You make the rules. You don’t need to apologize if you haven’t written in a while. The journal or blog is not going to get upset. It will wait for you.

“I always forget” Like any other habit, practice is required to make it a regular part of your life. Practice also makes figuring out what to write easier. You’re training your brain.

“People are watching” This one is blog specific, particularly if you post publicly. It is easy to become self conscious. Make sure you set some clear guidelines for yourself about what parts of your life are private and which are public. Everyone will put their line in a different place when deciding whether to pose photos, names of children, location, etc. Do your own research. Think through the risks and pick what is comfortable for you.

Note: In private journals, be sure to include full names, dates, locations and details. In five years you won’t remember what “lunch with friends” was about unless you put in the details. It is not polite to post such specific information about other people on the internet unless you have their prior permission.