Stormy
Everyone around here is talking about the blizzard. It is due at my house in the next two hours according to local weather services. They tell us so with exclamation points. These same news sources provide lists of schools and businesses who closed early so that everyone could be home before the storm. Local facebook statuses indicate that my neighbors have gathered their flashlights and blankets just in case. I look out my window at a golden sunset and no wind. Off to the North the sky is a little bit gray, but here things are calm.
In the midst of a storm there is something to do, actions to take, weather to watch. Before the storm, when you know a storm is coming, it is hard to judge whether precautions are wise or unnecessary. I stand at the window and part of me hopes that the storm is really impressive. I don’t want anyone hurt, or even inconvenienced, I just want the weather to be interesting rather than just cold and gray. We’ve barely begun with winter and I’m already tired of cold and gray.
I broke down this weekend. I’ve been trying to think up an appropriate metaphor for the experience, but I haven’t yet figured out whether it was more akin to a catastrophic flat followed by limping along on a spare tire or if I am more like the blender whose motor suddenly ground to a halt while exuding smoke. It felt like the second in the middle of it, and yet I am still here and I have accomplished things since. On the other hand, I’m not entirely sure it is over. I thought I worked through it on Saturday. Then again on Sunday. Yesterday was fine. This morning was most decidedly not fine at all. I’m forced to come to the conclusion that my emotional weather detection is poorly calibrated.
I don’t actually expect much from this snow storm. The wind will blow. The snow will fall. But everyone is prepared. They all went home early and found their blankets. Even those who lose power will be fine because they’ve formed plans. The killer storms are the ones that surprise people. I suspect this is why the weather service wielded those exclamation points. They want this storm to be anticlimactic, particularly on a day when people would usually begin their holiday travel. They wanted everyone to be complaining about how all the warning was for nothing instead of complaining because they were not warned.
My emotional breakdown this weekend completely ambushed me. Hindsight gives me many signs which I failed to interpret as an impending emotional storm. Now I am picking through my thoughts rather like a survivor picking through detritus after a tornado has blown through. I’m trying to figure out where it came from, whether it will be back, and how to prevent it all in the future. All of this logic is based on the assumption that I actually have control over my mental state, my faith in that premise is somewhat shaky right now. If I do have control over the causes, then I must figure it all out and take steps to avert future storms. If I don’t, then I just need to sweep up and move on. I’m currently leaning toward the sweep up and move on school of thought. This is in part because I think a major cause of the break down was me trying to plan, orchestrate, and control too many things over an extended period of time. It is nice when both schools of thought lead to the same place.
The wind has picked up outside the house. I think we will have snow soon. This means it is probably time for me to stop staring at this screen trying to wrap words around my experiences. I need to stop trying to analyze my life and go live it for awhile.