Tangled

The week just past felt tired and tangled. I can’t say precisely why it was so. Perhaps it had so much potential energy. Many events were poised to collapse into various forms of emotional crisis. People were on the edge of sick. The meeting with the school counselor might have been difficult. Business emails had the potential to create friction or unpleasantness. Then, of course, was the creeping sense of failure at all the things I feel I ought to be doing, but don’t have time to actually accomplish.

We’re on the final sprint toward book completion. Howard finished writing the bonus story for Emperor Pius Dei. I ran test prints for cover colors. I also pounded through the layout to make sure that the images were properly cropped and placed. After spending months in limbo, we’re dashing toward finishing the project. This is good since we’re up against a hard deadline. In April there will be no time to spare. Howard will be hard pressed just to keep up with the buffer while attending multiple conventions. I like the sense of motion. It is much better than limbo.

In the midst of the emotional potential energy and the Schlock book forward momentum, some piece of my brain decided that I urgently needed to complete the layout for my 2010 One Cobble book. Each year I take all my blog entries and dump them into a pdf file so Lulu can print it into a book. This year I decided not to use the done-in-an-hour method of years past. I used my book layout tools to make something pretty. It took 16 hours of work, 8 of which I did last week. My back and shoulders are gnarled little knots from all the focused computer mousing time. I got it done. The file is submitted and I expect the book to arrive next week. It felt really good to complete a project over which I had total control of all aspects.

So many pieces of my life are dependent upon the work and reactions of others. This is a necessary and important part of life, yet sometimes instead of feeling supported by my web of communities, I feel tangled in them. I want the Schlock book done, but must wait for our colorist to finish with files. I want to settle my kids’ schedules for the next school year, but have to wait for school personnel and appointments. Sometimes the urge to just cut myself free is strong. I want to hide.

On Friday night I had a scheduled social event. My feelings about going were mixed. I missed the friends I had not seen in over a month. I also knew that my kids were not in particularly settled emotional states. Kiki was in the midst of her oil painting project. It was going well, but still had the potential to go poorly. Link had been grouchy all week. Patch was sick, Gleek full of energy, and Howard had a prior commitment. The obvious and responsible choice was to stay at home. I was needed to provide stability and calmness. Also I thought I needed introverted time so that I could untangle my thoughts and emotions. But then Kiki and Link told me I should go. I went and discovered that sometimes, even for an introvert, a social event can be invigorating. Some friends fill me up instead of draining me. When I left the house I’d been dreading Saturday. By the time I came home, I was looking forward to it.

The answer to my tangle was not to cut myself free, it was to find kindred spirits who were part of my web. It was my own struggling causing the tangles. I was part of a web, not caught in a snare. I had a similar experience on Saturday. I still need more days where I have nothing scheduled, but so many of the things I’m scheduled for are wonderful things. Now if I could just get the Schlock book and my revision done I think I might be so light of heart I would float down the street.