The Thoughts I Think at 3:30 A.M. When I am not Asleep

It is 3:30 a.m. and I lie in bed worrying that I bought the wrong table at IKEA. It is an irrational worry. I know this, but in the drifting space between waking and sleeping logic is disconnected. I got a table to be my new work desk, but when I got it here I realized it was not the right shape. This is obviously the first minor collapse in my decision making skills which will make everything fall apart. Last night I had similar emotions about the light fixture I chose, which Howard assures me is fine. In this case the desk will have to be returned. It is a minor setback in a project that is mostly going well. Except that it delays the time when I’m settled back in my office instead of cramped up at an awkward desk in Howard’s office. Half awake it seems like I’ll never be able to get any focused work done again.

I wanted to start this next paragraph by saying “the real problem, of course is…” Only I can’t. The trouble is multitudinous. The construction work on my office is done, the moving in is yet to be accomplished. If I could get that done, it would greatly help to settle my mind. Only I’ve got orders waiting for me to ship. I should do those first. And the accounting. I haven’t sat down with the finances since before I took my office apart. Since that date I have spent thousands of dollars on remodeling costs, a trip to California to see my sick Grandma, and some new furniture for the new space. In theory I’ve budgeted and mental math says I’m still inside budget, but I don’t quite trust my mental math or decision making skills right now. So, I ought to do accounting and settle my mind. But Kiki got a last minute invitation to Prom. It is on Saturday. I have to make several minor alterations on her dress. It is a fairly small task except that my sewing things are in the big stack of things which used to be in my office. I’ll have to dig them out. The dress has to be done. I should do that first. Except tomorrow I have a meeting scheduled with Link’s teacher. It turns out that he has not been doing his homework or school work of late. There is a pile of things for him to catch up on. I need to conference with the teacher to figure out how best to help him accomplish this. We also need an ongoing plan because he shut down after feeling overwhelmed. Link has earned a spot center stage in the “focused parenting” category. It is nothing that can’t be handled. I can do it easily when I’m on top of my game. Which I’m not, as evidenced by my horrible poor decision making regarding the selection of an office table. Tomorrow also has to feature the construction of a milk carton catapult so that Patch can give a presentation on catapults to his class. I need to buy Marshmallows for that. Only the van is almost out of gas, so I need to buy gas before I drive anywhere. While I’m buying gas I need to get gas for the lawnmower. The lawn is nearly to the point where it can be measured in feet. So I should make the kids do their lawn mowing. I should also call my Mom, because the last update on Grandma was two days ago and she was weaker then. I should be doing more to support Mom and Dad. I should at least be keeping up with how things are going there. Except that I keep burying that thought, or getting distracted, because it hurts. So many things hurt and I’ve got no time to break down and cry until at least Saturday. Tomorrow Gleek begins a time swap activity in which she spends a week living as her Grandma did in 5th grade. This means altering our family patterns to accommodate the fact that she’ll not be using any electronic entertainment, we get bonus points if she makes it all week without using a microwave or driving faster that 50 miles per hour. I love the idea of this assignment. I want to do it right, make it a positive experience. But we’ve got to get it done early because next weekend I have a conference and the kids will be babysitting each other while Howard and I are presenting. This will work best if they can watch movies while we’re gone. So time swap has to start late tomorrow night. I still need to work on two presentations for the conference. I have notes. It shouldn’t be too hard, but it isn’t done yet. Perhaps I should get that done first thing tomorrow so that I don’t have to worry about it anymore. After the conference we’ve got company coming. At least I’ll have a sofa bed for them to sleep on. It’ll be delivered tomorrow evening and will be placed into my newly remodeled office. Hopefully it will be delivered before writer’s group, but likely in the middle of it. I need to do the reading for writer’s group. I should do that first thing tomorrow so that it is done. I really hope that the sofa is delivered and is exactly right. After the table debacle I’m afraid that I chose wrong for that too. Then there are the advance copies of Sharp End of the Stick that arrived today. I should be focused on setting up for pre-orders. I should be testing our fulfillment system and learning how it works with the new software I installed last week. But doing that work is really hard when I’m intruding in Howard’s space. He really needs me out of his office. He hasn’t been able to get his work done this week either, not the way he needs to. So I really should focus on getting my office arranged and set up. If only I had my office put back together, maybe I could prioritize everything else. Except, it really is the wrong table. I need to take it apart and return it to the store. I’ve spent so much money lately and I can’t stand the thought of spending more on a table I’ll regret for years. I just need to go get a different table…

Thus my thoughts circle themselves, sometimes drifting to sleep, sometimes snapping awake. There are too many things in my head. Time to eat food since I’m not sure if I really ate dinner. Then perhaps typing over a thousand words about all the dumb stuff in my head will help it clear so that I can sleep. If I fall asleep right now, I could sleep for two hours before I need to get up and start doing all my things.