I watched Schindler’s List last week. I’ve seen the movie before and knew exactly how difficult it is to watch, yet I was drawn to it anyway. I watched in pieces, taking breaks to breathe. In those breaks I wondered why I was doing this rewatch, why was I staring straight at this dark chapter in history. I think the answer is that I was trying to learn how to be a Schindler. How do I be the person who protects others? What compromises and collaborations were necessary for Schindler to accomplish saving those lives? What could I do to maximize the life-saving and minimize the compromising? Obviously the experiences portrayed in the movie will not map directly to anything that is coming, but the core of it, being a person who protects, it felt like I could learn something.
Another reason is that I felt a need to remind myself that people can be terrible to each other. That I should not be complaisant because the worst is possible. My need for this reminder comes from my deep privilege in that my life is full of kind people. Even the ones who I know have caused harm did so out of mis-aimed kindness or human frailty, not out of a need to be cruel. I am so fortunate to know so few cruel people that I have to remind myself that they exist. The watch reminded me that ordinary people can get shepherded into cruelty if they go with the flow of cruel leaders. So I was learning how to recognize when the flow is pressuring all of us into places where we are either careless or harmful.
Watching this movie did not help my anxiety during the first barrage of executive orders as the new administration took office. I watched them make choices that were deliberately retaliatory, vindictive, and cruel. That is the flow coming at us from above. Given the reality of what is being done at the highest levels in my country, I have choices to make. So I watched a hard movie to figure out how someone else made choices in difficult circumstances. I may re-read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom for the same reasons. Or I might read a bunch of soothing and optimistic fiction instead. Mary Robinette Kowal has a new book coming out, and my eyes just reminded me of Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett. Sometimes I need to look straight at the hard things. Other times I need to rest so that when hard things actually happen I have the reserves to be strong against the pressure to join in cruelty.