Have I mentioned lately how much I love Howard and how lucky I am to have him? Last night I was worn and weary. The workshop was exhausting and discouraging because I was not being able to build social networks the way I wanted to. I wanted to be able to walk away from the conference feeling like the editors and agent would recognize me if they saw me again. That is probably not going to happen. Howard kindly reminded me that it would probably be more rewarding to be building a social network with the other attendees, particularly those who live locally. In hindsight this is obvious. I’ve found tremendous joy in connecting with other creative people, but somehow I was so focused on the guests that I wasted two days of opportunities to get to know people. The structure of the conference doesn’t leave much time for just chatting, but tomorrow has some spaces for it and I intend to use them.
My attendance at this conference has really outlined the business aspects of writing. I’ve found myself thinking and planning for my future as a writer. I realized yesterday that I’m planning a career. I’ve never planned for a career before. Being a mother WAS my career. Being a mother still comes first, but the kids are growing up and they don’t need me the same way they used to. I have this developing empty space in my life and I’m filling it up with a writing career. There are other things I could do to fill that space. I could be volunteering or tutoring or decorating my house, but I’m choosing a career. That feels so odd. It requires me to redefine myself. Or rather to make my internal definitions match what I’ve been doing for nearly a year now.
This switch is scary. If writing is just a hobby, then I don’t have to worry about editors or agents or the opinions of anyone else. Hobby writing can just be, without having to be good. I still do some hobby writing, but other projects I want to have recognized, respected. This means I have to care what others think. Caring what others think is frightening because I have no control over their opinions. This makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. Hole hiding is safe and secure. In fact I’ve been doing just that during this conference. I’ve been coming home and collapsing into a little heap of exhausted emotions. Fortunately I have Howard to pick me up and talk me through it. Then I can go out again the next day.
Why is it that at the conference I can feel confident and self assured, but I do the emotional heap thing at home? It is almost like I’ve deferred all the emotions to deal with later. I would much prefer to skip the whole “emotional heap” step of the process. Yesterday was better than Monday. Perhaps by Friday I’ll have learned how to not do it. I had today free. Tomorrow I’m headed back. I hope I can handle this without unraveling again.
I meant to comment the other day but the day got away from me and I never got back to it. But what Howard said is what I would have suggested, and it’s really not too late. The SCBWI in Utah Valley is amazing (if you don’t know Rick Walton now, you should, and you should get on the Utah Children’s Writers email list for networking, too). There’s a lot of really amazing people who would be good to know–and as I am sure you know, in getting to know different writers, you tend to hear of opportunities you wouldn’t have, get referred to editors looking for things (I found one author because I asked Shannon Hale if she had any friends who wrote what I was looking for, and she recommended Tiffany Trent). The local SCBWI has a lot of resources too–writing groups, meetings, conferences (the UVSC conference every March is theirs), a listserv.
Don’t worry *too* much about making lasting impression with editors. We meet *so* many people at conferences that just the fact that you say “It was great to meet you at such and such conference” is a good reminder to them that you met, even if it was briefly. If your writing is good, that’s what will stand out in a submission anyway! 🙂 Usually, the fact that you attended a conference at which the editor attended is an invitation to submit anyway, even if the house is closed to unsolicited submissions–because by going to the conference, it’s automatically no longer “unsolicited.” For the most part.
Thanks for the recommendations. I hadn’t considered joining SCBWI, now I’ll look into it.