There is a difference between failing at something and being a failure. Many times in my life I’ve set a goal and not quite achieved it or missed it completely. Those things don’t make me feel like a failure. It is the accumulation of little misses that make me feel like I am myself a failure. Individually each of these things are so small, but they combine to overwhelm my generally positive outlook on myself. No one else will deride me for not accomplishing these little things, but these things are so small, so easy, that I feel stupid for not getting them done. If I can’t do the simple things, I begin to question my ability to accomplish bigger things. It is a backward way of thinking. I know this. I also know that the reason the little things don’t get done is because I do the big things first. But still I am constantly running into little things that I haven’t gotten done. It is hard for me to fight against that barrage of small negative messages.
The stupid little things which combine to make me feel like a failure: (Note: I am fully aware that the logic in most of these things is faulty. I am hoping by listing them out I will be able to see the faulty logic and stop being tripped by it.)
Anytime a person in my family has to rummage in the laundry room for clean clothes, I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve either failed to put clothes away or I’ve failed to make the kids put their clothes away, or I’ve failed to properly teach the kids to put clothes away without me having to remind them to do it.
Any time I come upstairs in the afternoon and realize that breakfast dishes are still on the table, I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve either failed to clean up or failed to teach kids to clean up after themselves.
Any time there are dishes on the counters or in the sink, I’ve failed for the same reasons as breakfast still on the table.
Any time I notice the lawn unmowed. (four weeks and counting.)
Any time I notice the weeds in my yard, or the unraked leaves.
Any time I notice the dirt and grunge which accumulates on the walls and banisters.
Any time my kids rooms get messy, because I should have taught them to clean up after themselves.
Any time any room gets cluttered, ditto.
Any time I realize that I’ve had an email sitting in my inbox for more than 24 hours without answering it.
Any time I have to yell to get the kids to do stuff.
Any time I don’t require homework or reading time.
Any time the kids are late to school.
This is not the end of the list, but I think you get the idea. Some people are pre-disposed to deny their responsibility for things gone wrong. I’m pre-disposed to assume that it is all my fault. Fortunately I am (usually) able to set aside my feelings and behave rationally. Fortunately I’m (usually) able to look at all of these things as household problems which I can help correct, but am not solely responsible for. But on the days I am tired, or discouraged, all these things overwhelm me and I feel like I’m failing at everything.
That is when Howard comes and gives me a hug and reminds me that the truly important things are getting done. He makes me feel better and I just go on doing the best I can with the time and energy that I have available.
Wow, you’ve been reading my mind. I know it’s not the best way to look at things, but I trap myself with negative thoughts like this, too. Being tired has a lot to do with how I see myself. I have GOT to start getting to bed earlier.
Argh. I am so with you on this one. I hate those days when my entire life feels like a condemnation.
Come to think of it, that’s probably why I like acceptance letters, completed artwork, and frameable certificates so much. They are tangible evidence of Things Getting Done, and they make me feel better for abandoning the house while persuing other goals.
I think that creative people do all the other things because they are more fun than the things like boring old house work (or even if they aren’t more fun, they aren’t housework) and then we feel guilty because we know it needs to be done, but that doesn’t stop us from doing anything different. I have friends that I like to call domestic goddess’s because their houses are perfect and they play the piano and take care of their perfect children and while I love them dearly, I hate them (j/k) too because it’s a standard that I can’t live up to (we won’t talk about how often my kids were late to school because I slept in because we had all stayed up too late, but we were spending time together). You do other things with your kids and that’s what they’re going to remember. You’re leading a unique life and pursuing dreams and goals that are outside of normal (so am I, as someone who wants to make movies for a living, I can’t imagine anything crazier except of course a cartoonist), but our kids are going to see that we lived the lives that were important to us and that is a gift that is priceless.