A couple of days ago I had a phone conversation with a friend who is still working to adapt after having her first baby. The conversation started me thinking about my experiences making the same sort of adjustment. I did not keep a live journal back then, so I can’t look it up. I can just do my best to assemble the fragments of memory floating in my head.
When I had my first baby I was at a transitional point in my life. I was 22 years old and just finishing college. Up until that point I had spent the majority of my life as a student. I was finally ready to shed school and do something else. Babycare slid right into the vacuum left behind by schoolwork and classes. I was emotionally ready to dive into a completely new endeavor. And dive I did. I immersed myself into motherhood. I remember feeling as if I’d finally gotten to the best part of my life. It was hard, but so joyful that I did not mind. I spent hours holding my baby and documenting every small step of her growth. My experience with the next three babies was much different. I kept expecting to find that joyful glow, but it was not as easy to find. My life was not as primed for transition as it was with the first baby. I had acquired things that I had to sacrifice to tend to the needs of the new infant. The joy was there, but not constant.
I’ve often heard people say that after the third child, one more hardly makes an impact. That was not true for me. Adjusting to four kids was by far the hardest. I think it was because I was really able to see what I was giving up to bring the child into the world and nurture him. I had begun doing the business accounting. I watched the baby and the accounting compete for my limited attention and energy. I watched my parenting of the other kids slide into survival mode as I struggled to keep everything above water. It was all made harder because Howard was so much less available to help than he had been for the other babies. His Novell job was siphoning off about 60 hours per week with an even larger percentage of his energy and enthusiasm. Schlock Mercenary demanded another 20-30 hours per week. I honestly do not comprehend how we all carried the load that we did. It was a long, hard pregnancy and a long, hard slog for the first months of Patches life as I attempted to establish a new equilibrium.
I remember people coming to visit me with my new baby. They would coo over the baby and talk to me. They all expected me to have that new-baby glow. I remembered having that new-baby glow with Kiki and wondered what was wrong with me that I did not feel that way. There were definitely joyful times, but they were interspersed with times when I could see clearly the cost in time and energy that was not spent on other important things. I remember feeling guilty that Patches did not get the same unadulterated love and adoration that Kiki received at the same age. I worried that my stress and tears would somehow be communicated to him and that he would be hurt by it. I worried that I would never be able to bond properly with him.
It did not turn out that way. I gave him what I had available at the time. Some days I gave him joy and adoration. Other days he merely got carried while I tended to other needs. It did not hurt him. Nor did it hurt him for me to hand him off to someone else for awhile so that I could refill my reservoirs of energy. As I recovered, and as he got older, I had more and more to give. There was more energy for joy and laughter. I slowly realized that love for a child does not have to start with a new-baby glow. Lasting love for a child is like love for anyone. It is built moment by moment, service by service. For the first six weeks it is all built by the mother (or father. Dads build relationships too.) From the moment the baby first smiles, that changes. Suddenly the relationship becomes a mutual construction.
Looking back, I can see the hard times, the struggles, the adjustments. I’m not eager to go back and do them again, but I am very glad to have them in my store of experience. If nothing else I can talk to my friend on the phone and understand what she is going through. Sometimes I can even find words that help.
wow, this just struck me in the heart
It was so nice to hear from someone else who had gone through so many similar things. Both my wife and I had come from families of four children, and we were both prepared for that, so we thought. After the last one was born, the doubts started, suddenly it seemed like all the time and energy had just slipped away.
I love all my babies and would never change that, but it was so good to hear another parent (one whom I greatly admire) say the things that were in my heart, and to say it so well.
Thank you
Re: wow, this just struck me in the heart
You’re welcome.
The positive feelings about parenting get a lot of press. Examples of bad parenting get a lot of press. What we don’t see enough of, is good parents muddling through negative emotions about parenting. With the introduction of blogs, we’re starting to see this and I think it is a good thing for all of us to know we’re not alone in the struggle.