You’re giving up your dreams. You lost yourself before, you’re going to do it again.
No I’m not. Having a stable family and a well run home is every bit as much my dream as being a published author. It would be foolish of me to neglect the dream I have, to chase one that I may not be able to obtain. Besides, I have time later, when the kids are older, when this dream has changed, that I can chase other dreams.
You are trapped. You are burdened by hundreds of daily tasks which bore you. You are not free.
Is anyone really? I suppose it is theoretically possible to be free of obligations to others, but most of us are wrapped firmly in a web of interdependency. I stand at the center of a family. I am so wrapped with strings that I must be careful of my movements lest I warp the whole web. But this is MY web. The design is mine and it is beautiful. I do not want a hole in the middle of this beautiful weaving.
But what about that poem, Millie’s Mother’s Red Dress? You’re becoming that mother. The one whose children grow up to be louts because mother never did a single thing for herself. You have to make time for you.
I find it interesting that even taking time for myself becomes something that I do for the good of the children. Apparently not even “time for me” is really just mine. I do take time for myself, both for my sanity and for the benefit of the children. I have little slices of time many times daily. I will not be greedy and stomp my feet wishing for more. Instead I will be patient knowing that there will be the occasional day where I can have my fill. Too much time for myself leaves too many things which are important to me undone.
What about your gift? Your writing can not reach out and help others if you never write.
True. But despite my shift in focus, I haven’t exactly stopped writing. Mostly I’ve been writing blog entries, but that’s still words written. I’m submitting a story for publication tomorrow. I’ve got an outline for a story for next week. Biggest of all, I’m pressing forward with the publication of Hold on to Your Horses. By April I will have a book that I wrote in my hands. The writing isn’t exactly languishing now is it?
But you should…
No. We’re done now. I have better things to do than wallow and fret.
Have you read Wil Wheaton’s blog? This reminds me of some of his conversations with Prove To Everyone That Quitting Star Trek Wasn’t A Mistake, a particularly aggressive demon of his that he’s been fighting while trying to develop his writing career.
Good luck banishing that voice – or at least turning it to more constructive uses…
I have read Wil Wheaton, but it was a long time ago. I’d forgotten that he did conversations in this format. I’m hoping that this kind of internal conversation is a common human experience because I have them all the time. Wouldn’t want to think I was weird or something.
Millie’s Mother
I had come home to look after her.
This morning, when I came to see what I could do for her,
I saw she wasn’t going to last long.
We all gathered round her,
I sat by her bed and held her hand.
I said “Mother, you have worn yourself away for us.”
“No, my dear,” she said, “I have given you all
as much as I had to give,
like a gardener, to get the best out of my garden.
You are all my flowers: how pretty you are, how strong.”
She took a deep breath,
“And now it is time to go.”
Her last breath was a benediction on us all.
Sandra, this was wonderful. This is Wendy Dorton, if you remember my name at all. We’ve met, and I flaked on getting together with you to get some of the Schlock books a few months ago. Anyway, Dan sent me your blog link. I have been glancing at your blog for a week or so now, and I think your blogging does help others. I like your perspective very much. It’s wonderful that you see the “time and season” factor in being an author and raising your family. I’m curious about Hold on to Your Horses–how very exciting!
Dan will be attending LTUE, and I’m going to see what I can fit in, so maybe we’ll hear you in the panels. It’s such a fun conference!
Take care,
Wendy
What I really hate is when those voices wake me up at 3 or 4am to talk to me. Pu-Leez! Let me SLEEP! : ) We can talk about it all in the morning! lol
I’ve often wished that I could inhabit my husband’s brain to see what it’s like…
to not think about everything, every little detail of 4 people’s lives, waking up to think about what needs to get done the next day, always wondering if you’re doing enough for everyone (including yourself), voices always saying you can never do enough, feed people, clean house, remember birthdays on both sides of the family, etc. ad infinitum…
I imagine it’s very peaceful inside Ross’ brain. Way Different from my brain and … peaceful.
I’d like to vacation there. : )
Hi Wendy! I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog. I’d love to see you and Dan at LTUE. If you’re going to make it, drop me a line ahead of time and I’ll be sure to bring books for you.
Just wanted to say … GOOD FOR YOU. If those voices win – what’s the prize? Trapped-ness? Anger? Frustration?
When you hush these voices, and post about it, you help me hush my own inner angry tinny voices. Thank you.
Glad it helped. I’m also glad that I’m not the only one with voices yammering in my head.
Certainly not! I think that’s one of the lies the little voices tell: that you’re the only one……