Things I didn’t know I wanted, but got anyway

Several months ago Howard and I had a conversation with a friend about the things that teenage girls do. During the course of the conversation, I fessed up to having kept a list of the things I wanted in a future husband. This immediately led to the question of whether Howard matched my list. I was pleased to report that he hit every item on the list. I know because I checked while we were engaged. (embarrassing, but true.) He had everything from “fun to be with” to “loves children” to “taller by 1 to 4 inches, but not taller by 5 or more” to “always listens to what I have to say, but does not always agree.” Yeah. Some of those things were pretty specific, others were so vague as to be nigh useless as a point of measurement.

I think that keeping the list was beneficial to me. It helped me define who I was looking for, and know when I found him. But despite what they believe, teenagers are not omniscient. There are things that Howard has which have been incredibly valuable to me, but weren’t on the list. They weren’t on the list because I was too young to even see that I wanted/needed them. Since today is Howard’s birthday, and therefore a really good day to say nice things about him, I’ve decided to make a new list. It is the list of things that I didn’t know I wanted, but got anyway.

Loyalty. Being married is wonderful, but it is also hard. Spouses will argue, disagreements will be had, there will be stress. During those not-so-good times, it has been invaluable to me to know that no matter what happens, no matter how angry or frustrated Howard may be, he is not going anywhere. Because I can depend on him to be there, I am able to structure my life in ways that would not otherwise be possible. Time and again Howard has dropped all of his things to answer my need.

Ambition. Howard is driven by a need to achieve. This is not always a comfortable attribute. It has as much potential to destroy as to create. But Howard’s ambition has been a godsend for us. Because of his drive, we are now living a life that most people only dream of. Howard’s ambition has awakened some in me as well. We are not done going places.

Creative. I mean this as “creates things.” Howard constantly makes unexpected connections between dissimilar ideas. He does this constantly at both conscious and subconscious levels. This is how the ideas for Schlock Mercenary are born and percolate. Howard is not content to just have the ideas, he must also realize them, make them real. This drive has been a joy in our lives.

Hard worker. All the ambition and creativity in the world will go no where if there is a lack of willingness to do work. Howard works harder and cuts himself less slack than anyone else I have ever met. He can arrive at the end of a day where he got 100 things done and be discouraged because he wanted to accomplish 101 things. (or 110, or 200) Howard knows how to sit down and accomplish the things that need to be done, whether or not he wants to do them. We could not be where we are without this trait.

Need for cleanliness and order. Howard sees the messes that my brain filters out. He prods me and the kids to clean up, and does a fair share of cleaning up himself. This trait of Howard’s has frequently caused friction between us, but I am very grateful he has it. His need for order has forced me to learn how to keep house in ways that I would not otherwise have done. Our house is a much better, cleaner, place because of Howard.

Assertive. When things go awry, Howard knows how to lean on other people to get them fixed. He knows how to make telemarketers go away. He knows how to cut through red tape. He knows how to negotiate favorable deals. I’m not sure this is a part of himself that he likes very much, but it is incredibly valuable. When I met Howard, I didn’t know how to do any of this. I hid from conflicts. I still don’t like conflict, but because of Howard I learned how to handle it.

Silly. When I wrote “fun to be with” on my teenage list, I was picturing sitting and laughing over an interesting conversation. Or perhaps playing games together. I did not know how wonderful it could be to have someone who is unafraid of being silly and who encourages silliness in return. When Howard and I are alone or just with the kids, we do some pretty silly stuff. We do it for the laughs and the joy of being safe in a place where no one will make fun of the silly. Love should have laughing in it. Not just polite laughter, but roll on the floor unable to breathe laughter, and joyful laughter, and appalled laughter because the joke was awful and yet still funny, and giggling, and guffawing, and snickers. Love should play. I’m so lucky that mine does.

Humble. Howard is a very confident person. He has no fear of standing up in front of hundreds of people and talking about almost any subject you care to name. And yet the minute you ask him how he got to be where he is, Howard will start talking about all the gifts and people who made it all possible. Perhaps this attribute should be labeled “grateful” because Howard is completely willing to thank and acknowledge all the people who have helped him become who he is. Howard is also not afraid to step back and apologize when he sees he is in the wrong. These traits have allowed me and hundreds of other people to have a part in the success that is Schlock Mercenary.

Desire to help others. Howard knows that we are all connected. One of his biggest drives to succeed is so that he will be in a position to help others. In all his dealings he tries to set things up so that everybody wins.

This list is very different from the one I penned almost 20 years ago. At fifteen I could not picture wanting any of the above, and perhaps for some people the traits above would not be a good match. For me they are perfect and I’m lucky Howard has them all. I’m particularly lucky that he has them in addition to the “returned missionary,” “handsome,” “kind,” “willing to spend time on me,” things that were on the teenage list.

I married a truly amazing man. He keeps getting more amazing as the years go by. Happy Birthday honey! I love you!