Howard and I are extremely fortunate. We manage to pay all our bills on the income from a creative endeavor. This is joyful for us, and inspiring for others. I can not count the number of times that people have spoken with Howard or I to tell us that our success gives them hope for their own dreams. I’m glad that we are cause for hope. I love feeling like we are adding something good to the world. But each of these conversations has a hidden accompaniment. Inside my head is a voice that whispers “What if you don’t get to keep it? What if your endeavors crash and burn? What will that do to all these people who have looked to your success with hope in their eyes?”
Howard hears this voice too. We talk about it sometimes. These conversations come when the lurking fear has been particularly loud, when money is running low, when visits to the Schlock site are down. Then Howard and I stand in the kitchen, afraid. We are afraid because our success is not completely in our control. No matter how hard we work, all of our income is dependent upon the goodwill and interest of others. Usually Howard and I take turns being afraid. One fears, while the other comforts and reassures. The days when the lurking fear runs rampant in both of us, are very dark days.
I think this is one of the reasons that Howard and I work so hard. We keep trying to build a structure strong enough to banish the lurking fear forever. I don’t know if it can be done. And if it can, I have another voice that wonders if the comfort will cause us to lose the edge. If, in the end, we will discover that the lurking fear is our greatest asset rather than our biggest enemy. If our reactions to the lurking fear are part of what defines who we are. Or perhaps that is just the lurking fear speaking, trying not to be banished forever by making me afraid of succeeding too well. I fully intend to take my chances with succeeding too well if I can get there.
Until then we just have to go on working hard, and hoping, and trying not to listen to lurking fear.
It’s an interesting thing…that uncertainty…you folks do inspire…as I work my way toward earning a living with my books…I look at those that are making it and smile.
But I must point out…that uncertainty…well, it exists in the corporate world too…it’s just disguised. Clever, that.
We somehow think that the risk is “outside”…and that stability is “inside” the corporate fold…when the reality is that the risk is the same…except that “inside” the corporate world…you have no control and very little influence over your situation…other’s do…and they have NO regard for you and yours.
“Outside”…well…it feels riskier…but really, you have the control. Your work and sweat directly influence your success…
“Inside”…well, you could be doing terrific work and still some smuck will come by and hand you a pink slip.
CUAgain,
Daniel Meyer
http://lifeisaroad.com
I spent over 40 years being afraid in the work I did. And I was in what, in the UK, passes for a safe job. The odd thing is that now I have retired I struggle to be creative! The loss of that stress means I seem to have lost the edge. Odd really but it seems that we do need a little stress to be creative!
On the other hand my health has improved, I am mentally much more relaxed and happier.
It’s the flip side of self-employment, but these days, nothing’s certain – even jobs-for-life hardly exist in a practical sense any more. Prosperity and success are always contingent on something else: consider, when Howard worked for Novell, you had a “reliable” income. However, it was only reliable all the time other folks bought Novell stuff and the company was successful – and success in the IT world is just as fickle as in artistic endeavour – it only needs a competitor to launch a new, better or cheaper product and all your customers go off and buy it, and then the company you’re wokring for in a supposedly-safe job suddenly starts looking to shed employees.
The positive side is that you deal directly and immediately with the punters. On which subject, a box arrived yesterday with a new pillage, THEN burn T-shirt, so yay!
I will wear my Rule 1 t-shirt as much as I can, because it might help some of the many people who read it and ask to actually visit the site. “Schlock Mercenary” Rocks…
Ona