I walked out of the panel room and down the crowded corridor. Up ahead I could see a small child thrashing and screaming on the floor. The mother was sitting on the floor next to her son, not picking him up or talking to him. The crowd veered around, eyes averted, to give the unpleasant scene more space. Some of the people passing by were trying to be kind, to not add to the embarrassment. Others may have been passing judgment. The massed effect was to isolate this mother and her screaming son in a bubble of “I will pretend to not see you.” I recognized the mother, we had been panelists in a discussion about blogging the night before. During the course of that panel she had mentioned her son as autistic. That one piece of information gave the scene a whole different cast for me. This was not an uncaring mother ignoring her misbehaving child. This was a struggling mother who had tried everything to help her over-stimulated child, but simply had to wait until he’d screamed himself tired enough to be rational again. I’ve been there before. I’ve been the mother sitting on the floor, or actively chasing the child who is a public nuisance. It does not take an autistic child to put one in that situation, none of mine are autistic, but parents of autistic children end up there much more often.
I stopped and crouched down to ask if there was any way I could help. As I suspected, there really wasn’t anything I could do for the little boy. The touch or words of a strange woman would have added to his distress rather than soothing it. But my stopping did help. It let that mother know that not all the eyes that passed were judging her as a terrible mother. I saw the tear that she wiped away so quickly. I stayed only for a minute. The little boy was winding down the tantrum even as I stopped. The mother soon needed to turn all of her attention back to him, and I needed to move along for my next event. I did not get to see that mother or her son during the rest of the convention. I hope it went well for them.
Many times I have been very grateful for a passing sympathetic comment given to me in similar circumstances. I am indebted to the many people who have helped me contain or control my children in public spaces. I am indebted to the many kind people whose words let me know that I was not an awful parent and that I was not alone in my struggles. I’m glad I had the chance to pass that gift along to someone else.
You are such a good person you make me feel very humble at times. I like to hope that I’d have the decency to do the same as you did, but I couldn’t say for certain that I would. The temptation not to want to be involved in others’ troubles is strong, sometimes.
Lovely.
Nice.
I always love to shoot a struggling with children mom a sympathetic and encouraging look. That’s all I can do unless I really know them and their kids. When SoccerGirl has a meltdown people she doesn’t know are always coming up to her and talking to her -BAD- or touching her on the head or shoulders -WORSE- I mean, we’re always telling kids “don’t talk to strangers” and then we as strangers try to talk to kids…?
But for her it’s even worse…
I’ve been so happy to learn about Sensory Processing Disorder. It was like finding a blessed revelation of understanding about SoccerGirl!
It’s helped me learn about hyper-sensitivity and now I can understand better WHY she’s screaming and crying and tantruming for so long and fighting us on brushing teeth and clipping nails and bedtime and most transitions. Things are too chocolatety, too soft, too fuzzy, too too too…
So, I am glad that having an understanding of this Disorder is helping us to work things out differently and have more patience for her and us.
I hope that people can show kindness when we are dealing with our tantrum girl like you did such a good job of doing.
Re: Nice.
As regards “talking to strangers”, I reckon it’s overdone. When you look at the stats, most child abuse is done by friends or family members, which isn’t a nice thing to hear but it’s true. 99% of “strangers”, approached by a lost child (say) would help then get home and not take advantage of the situation to do something cruel and unnatural to them.
We run the very real risk that we will destroy the world as we know it and all the good things in it for fear of the small minority who are evil.
My oldest son and my nephew are both autistic. I’m glad that mother found one understanding person in her moment of need. I have been there when judged and found wanting, it’s a place that hurts more than people who haven’t been there know.
My BIL is Catholic and that is the religion his children have chosen. I have been there for their baptism and first communion even though I am a Mormon. It’s my place to support them and not judge.
When my Nephew went for first communion he had a panic, because he does not like to be the center of attention. When he tried to apologize to the Lecture for accidentally tripping her after the service she said she would not accept and an apology from such a naughty boy. When she was informed that he was autistic she did not take it back. There is part of me that would still like to shove her cross down her throat. I know I need to forgive her, but I’m just not ready yet.
Ona