My children are not the center of my life. I know this is true because I am able to function even when they are not around. On the whole I believe this is a good thing. Children need to have a mother who does not revolve around them, but who would rather have them than not. Yesterday I delivered my kids to my brother’s house. Then I drove home alone. It is interesting the gyrations my brain goes through as I try to disengage the habit pattern that checks on the location of the kids periodically. For the first hour of the return trip I kept having a nagging feeling that I’d left something behind, then I would remember that I did leave four somethings behind, but that I’d done it on purpose. Here at home the absence of the kids is also very apparent. Sometimes this is cause for rejoicing (no noise!) and sometimes it is a little sad (no morning hugs.) But mostly I just note that I am missing them a little, remember that we’ll all be back together in a week, and then I focus on the task at hand. This is good because there are many tasks at hand today. Many things which must be finished up before we leave at o-dark thirty tomorrow.
It has not all been roses and sunshine. I had an anxiety attack for about an hour where I curled up and felt very afraid of all the many things which could possibly go wrong. It was rather like there was this little guy running around in the back of my brain and screaming. Locking him in the closet didn’t shut him up, so instead I pulled him into the center of my brain and listened to every terrified rant he had. He screamed of plane crashes, and lost luggage, and children lost, and children injured, and books not arriving to shows, and consignment deals reneged upon, and spending piles of money, and not getting any money back. Eventually he ran out of things to scream about and I made plans for managing each of these potential bad things. Then I got back up and went back to work. All it amounts to is pre-trip jitters. Once we swing into full motion, the anxieties will vanish and I’ll be able to relax and enjoy the trip. It is going to be a good trip.