Trying to capture Worldcon in writing while it is still going on is difficult. There is this sense that every minute I spend writing I will be missing something else. This is true I suppose because every hour is packed with options. But I must face the fact that I need down time in between the events. I need time to ponder and absorb all the new thoughts, experiences, conversations. Conversations are the best. I love getting the chance to visit with intelligent and creative people. We’re a full two days into the convention now. This means that people are settling and and have more time to sit down and talk for longer periods. We also have more fodder for conversation since we can all discuss panels that we’ve been on or that we have been to. It helps that there are about 8 of us here from Utah, so we have some familiar friends to talk to. The overwhelmed, insignificant, lost feelings have subsided. This is not because we’ve become more significant, but because I’ve become more settled and feel more confident.
Capturing Worldcon in writing is also difficult because the only places that I can connect to the internet are public. This means that my attempts to compose my thoughts are invariably interrupted by someone stopping by to chat. It is happy to have so many people who know us well enough to stop and talk, but it does fracture my concentration. This means that the resulting blog entries are not composed as well as I would like.
I also notice that I keep jumping between first person singular and first person plural during this entry and probably during the other Worldcon entries. This is a reflection of my odd state of mind here. I am here primarily as an annex to Howard rather than on my own merits. I am Howard’s wife, assistant, publisher, manager rather than being Sandra Tayler by myself. My value here is measured by his achievements. Most of the people here only know me as I am attached to him. This is correct for this venue and particularly on this occasion with him being nominated for a Hugo. The last thing we need is for me to try to define myself as separate or to compete with him for attention. Our efforts here are focused on promoting Howard Tayler and Schlock Mercenary with a side order of XDM. I suspect that this is part of what added to the feelings of insignificance early in the convention. Howard would be introduced and maintain the attention of the people. I would slide from notice as soon as my name was done. Over repeat meetings and extended conversations this is not true, but it is definitely true when we first meet people. Except Schlockers. Schlockers are already emotionally invested in us and they have all been kind and glad to meet me as well as Howard. This is very gratifying to my vanity.
The experience of being an annex leads me along feminist thought paths. It has me realizing that sometime I want to be in a situation where Howard is introduced as my Husband rather than the other way around. It has happened before. I know it will happen again. Then I think how this little competitive streak in my soul is really not conducive to good business and definitely not good for marital harmony. Howard and I have avoided professional jealousy, not because it never strikes, but because when it strikes we call it out and name it. We see it for what it is and take steps to redress the emotional imbalance. I am very happy to be Howard’s annex this weekend because I know that for him I am irreplaceable.