I usually open this journal with a fairly clear idea of what I want to write and how I want to write it. But this past week my head has been so jumbled with thoughts and experiences that I don’t seem to be able to sort properly.
I loved having my parents here. I loved the chance to see my kids through their eyes. I loved watching the relationships continue to flourish. I loved having someone else to tell stories at bedtime. My parents are so kind and thoughtful. They are constantly doing nice things for me, for my kids, for their friends, for total strangers. I’m a little in awe of that and I need to emulate it more.
Now my parents have gone home, but things aren’t quite normal. My sister-in-law came through town and traded one of her boys for Kiki. Now Link has a cousin his own age to play with and Kiki is having an away-from-home adventure with her same-age cousin. I’ve been a little startled at how much I miss Kiki. I expected to miss her, but I’m almost constantly watching situations and thinking “if Kiki were here, then…” The dynamics of family life are quite a bit different this week.
One of the things my mom said while she was here was “It’s not everyone who could handle Gleek the way you do.” She said it to compliment my parenting and to give me a boost on a day that had been a little rough. But now I find myself watching Gleek and wondering Is she really that hard to handle? I don’t want to think of her or anyone else to think of her as a problem child. She is a delight. She is full of life and energy and mischeviousness. Sometimes that directly clashes with how I want things done and she doesn’t yet have the mental capacity to comprehend why it is so important to negotiate verbally. Just yesterday she and I had and Incident. I really had to get in her face and be mad in order to make her understand why it is important for her to come home from the neighbor’s house when I tell her to rather than running away down the street giggling. I hate having to sit on the floor with a small, sad child and be stern for long enough to be sure that the message has sunken in. Unfortunately Gleek’s native spriteliness often means that instructions or scoldings bounce right off unless I do exactly that.
I know that Gleek requires managing. But don’t all kids? Right now all of mine do. And unfortunately I’m not being able to manage them all well because I’m too exhausted. Kiki needs more snuggling and loving, but she’s the oldest and I get so tired of being climbed on by my littler ones that the last thing I really want is to snuggle a great big 10 year old. But I need to be snuggling her because I’ve only got a couple of years left before she’ll stop seeking connection and start seeking independence. Link doesn’t like transitions and needs me to pay attention enough to smooth them out. Instead of walking up and announcing bedtime, he needs me to walk up, sit, talk to him about his game, help him bring it to a close, read him stories and tuck him into bed. Unfortunately by the time I reach bedtime I’m just ready to shove all the kids in their beds so I can have time off. I’m so busy managing other kids that quiet/mellow Link gets ignored until I need him to do something, then I demand and he stubbornly shouts “No!” and I’m in the middle of a fight I didn’t want or have energy for. Gleek is 4 and I’ve already talked about her. Patches is adorable and amazing. Every day he is saying new things and thinking new thoughts. He’s also just entered the “Do it self!” phaze, which means I suddenly have to negotiate for co-operation rather than just picking him up and going. The time necessary to get him dressed, diapered, or into his carseat has doubled or quadrupled depending on the day. It is adorable when Patches imitates Link’s scowl and shouted “No!” but it is also frustrating.
Right now it is 8:30 am. I’ve already been up for and hour and a half. I’ve already put in a load of peed-on laundry. I haven’t yet had to break up a fight. I fed the kids cheerios for breakfast which means they’ll be hungry again in an hour. Oh wait, there’s the screaming. sigh. Got to go.
Just an outside perspective.
I’m impressed with the level of insight you have into each of your children already. I’ve known stay-at-home parents who, even though they approached the task with love, didn’t approach it with their brain in gear. So they’d go through interaction after interaction without ever asking “why does my child behave this way, and what does that mean about them? And is there another way I can do things which will make things work more easily?” Even if they had the time or the energy, they never had the *insight*.
So kudos from a distant observer.
I’ve been working full time this summer at the public library where I live. To be more specific, I work at the Summer Reading Desk (a program to encourage kids to read by having them read books for points and earn prizes). Unfortunately the library is part of one of the bigger malls in the city. So for 40 hours a week I see all manner of personalities in children and quite often I see how their parents handle it (or don’t for that matter).
Although I don’t personally know you or your children (other than what I read on the Open Diary), I would have to agree with your mother. Not every parent is equipped to deal with children like that. I see quite a few kids that have those same characteristics: full of energy, life, and generally mischievous. What so few parents seem to understand is that those kids that have the tendency to rebel so strongly against structure and organization are the ones that need it the most.
I see some of the parents put up with all of the kids antics even when it escalates to destructive behaviour like talking back to adults, ripping things apart, harrassing other kids until the parent just snaps.
I know I’m not expressing what I’m trying to say well, so I’ll try to put it as succinctly as possible. You know that Gleek needs managing. And what’s more, you go out of your way to provide it and to meet her needs. You provide that management as is demanded by her personality. Not all parents (or even many that I’ve seen) recognize that need. And what makes you a good parent is that you try to tailor your parenting to fit their personalities separately and uniquely while so many parents today try to do so according to their own personality or try to parent each of their kids the same way. You recognize that uniqueness and celebrate it instead of butting your head against it and tripping over it.
…. wait, that was succinct? god, i have to work on this whole rambling thing. anyway, i hope i’ve said what i’ve meant to and i hope it’s interpreted as i’ve meant to have said it. but i have one more thing to say. being twenty years old, i don’t have too much experience (read none whatsoever) in the art of parenting. i am impressed with the amount of insight you seem to possess into what your children actually need from you. would it sound too cliché to say something along the lines of–“when i grow up and become a daddy, i wanna be just like you”?
There are no problem children. There are just children that don’t get what they need.
You were chosen carefully because you are capable of giving Gleek what she needs. The Lord doesn’t expect you to do it all the time, but He does expect you to continue to be aware of her needs and do the best you can to accomodate them.
But remember something else (and this goes for all your kids): you may be the only person on earth (probably including her future spouse and father) who works so hard to provide what she needs. She is going to have to learn to get used to disappointment, as much as everything else she has to learn. One of the things that you hope she learns, is how to see how hard you are trying, and how to apprieciate it, and how to recognize that sometimes she isn’t going to get what she needs, and that it doesn’t make you a Bad Mommy.
EVERY aspect of what you just said is scheduled. There is no such thing as “predestination”, in the sense that we have no control over what happens. The Lord doesn’t plan our lives. He plans around them.