I think I never love my children more than when they are sleeping. Oh, I love them when they are awake, but when they’re awake they need things. When they’re awake they squabble and make messes and get dirty. True they also sing and dance and laugh, but not always. I have moments when I look at one of the kids and marvel at this little being who has hijacked my life. They are always marvellous, but when they’re squabbling, or needy, or dirty I get too distracted to notice. When they are sleeping they need nothing from me. When they are sleeping they look so small and young and beautiful. When they are sleeping I am free to look for a few minutes and ponder the joy they bring. When they are sleeping I am free to just love them without distraction.
Today while Kiki and Link were at school, Gleek and Patches crashed into simultaneous naps. The house was blessedly peaceful. I ate lunch without interruption and took an uninterrupted 40 minute nap. And also I spent a few minutes gazing on my beautiful little dreamers.
My little Blueeyes has a tendency, particularly on the weekend, to come and climb in bed with me of a morning. No matter what the day before held, no matter how many 3-year-old “But I want it NOW!” tantrums I endured, or how many times I was told “you are not my friend!,” these early-morning snuggles are some of my favorite times.
They call to my mind the baby who slept curled against me after a late-night feeding, and I go all soft inside. And of course, since he now takes over my space on the bed, tossing and turning, he sleeps and I don’t.. which gives me plenty of time to marvel, as well.
My sister used to say, during a particularly difficult time with her oldest-as-a-teenager, that memories of those soft sleeping moments were sometimes all that kept him alive. He would turn his head in just such a way, and no matter how angry or frustrated she was with him, she would see a flash of that sweet-faced little boy and it would take the edge off. Which is saying something. Jon at 16 really knew (and took great pride in it) how to tick off an authority figure.