I had a conversation today with a friend who is in the midst of plans for her daughter’s wedding. Very shortly into the conversation it became obvious to me that this friend was being as diplomatic as possible about her future son-in-law, but she really needed to be able to air her concerns. She was extremely fair about it, she told me all the wonderful things about this young man, but she also shared some extremely concerning incidents. Apparently the young man is extremely possessive of his fiancee jealous of time spent with her family, he is inclined to hold grudges, and he has shoved her daughter around “in play”. All of those things are red flags for the development of an abusive relationship. It is possible that these “red flag” qualities will wither and his sterling qualities will grow and they will have a fantastic marriage, but I can see why this mother is concerned.
I admire the choice she has made to express her concerns to her daughter while at the same time expressing support for whatever decisions she makes regarding the relationship. I also admire the efforts this friend is making to build a relationship with this young man despite her concerns about some of his behaviors. In my mind she is perfectly walking the path that will contribute to the best possible outcome. I intend to continue watching this friend closely because someday when my children are grown and are making adult decisions I may be wearing similar shoes.
Ohh, that’s an incredibly tough situation. There’s always the dueling instincts of “support the child in his/her love for his/her future spouse” and “try to protect the child from any possible harm”…
This is basically the route my parents went as they handled my relationship with (and engagement to) Shelly. They had some concerns, they expressed them to me, and then they trusted me to handle things from there. Our relationship eventually ended, but for different reasons than my parents expressed… but they were supportive the entire way through and I was ultimately thankful for it – even if I did somewhat resent their expression of concern at the time.
Almost exactly my mother with my sister. I never knew of the “red flags” seen prior to the wedding, though I later found out they were all there. My mother continued the expressing concerns while supporting decisions attitude through their separation of nearly a year (I however was ready to beat my brother-in-law to a pulp). Well, he finally got the counseling needed, made some amazing changes in his life and now they are still married with an adorable little boy, a nice house, a steady job, in what appears to be a fairly happy marriage. Who knew? Good thing I’ve got a while yet before my children ever reach that stage.