I owe my mother an apology, and a couple days before Mother’s Day seems like a good time to extend it. See, for years I’ve believed that my lack of good housekeeping skills were due to lack of correct training during my childhood. Somehow I entered the adult world without understanding how to clean up after myself. This was a source of great frustration to college roommates and then to Howard. It has only been in the last year that I’ve realized that my lack of housekeeping skills is not my mother’s fault. She DID teach me how to clean. I have many memories of her teaching me how to mop the floor or scrub the toilet or load the dishwasher. What she didn’t do was require such work out of us kids on a daily basis so that they became second nature. I finally understand why. She had seven kids. SEVEN. Every single day she had to choose which of the many important things would actually get done. She consistently chose creative endeavors over make-your-bed-every-day rigidity. I cannot fault that choice because I find myself making exactly the same choices every single day. I have four kids. Every day I have to decide whether to interrupt beautiful cooperative play in order to make the kids do work. I have to decide whether to spend energy on homework or housework. I have to choose whether to spend energy making meals or making kids work. More often than not, making kids do housework is the piece I let slide. For years I’ve felt guilty about this. I’ve felt like I was failing in the same way that I percieved that my mother failed. But that’s where I was wrong. My mother did not fail. She gave me every single piece I needed to be a productive and useful adult. It was my job to put them into application. It is not fair of me to whine because my mother didn’t make me be a clean person. I look at my siblings. All of us are intelligent, creative, useful people. The ones who are married have great marriages and are great parents. There is no way on earth that anyone can look at that parenting track record and consider it in any way a failure. If I can parent as well as my parents did, I will rejoice.
10 thoughts on “A Mother’s Day Apology”
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Thanks for writing this. Though my mother tried to make us clean kids, I also am bad about making my kids clean. (My problem with cleaning is a bit complex.) However, I have children who help people out, are on the Honor Rolls, who go to church activities, have cheerful countenances compared to their peers*, as well as being creative and loving.
*my kids are 15 and 14 – we still deal with hormones and fights on occassion. But my daughter’s nickname at church is “Smiley” and I get compliments all the time on my kids behavior and attitude.
Despite all the good my kids do and the fact we go to their grandparents twice a month so they can do chore for them, my parents still insist that I am a horrible mother because we don’t have a clean place. However, I’m not the child who had one child put into a state instition because he tried to his stepmother and me. And I’m not the other child that won’t even bring her children to see their grandparents. And I’m the only one still active in Church.
I guess despite being a slob, I’m not that bad either.
Thanks for writing this. Though my mother tried to make us clean kids, I also am bad about making my kids clean. (My problem with cleaning is a bit complex.) However, I have children who help people out, are on the Honor Rolls, who go to church activities, have cheerful countenances compared to their peers*, as well as being creative and loving.
*my kids are 15 and 14 – we still deal with hormones and fights on occassion. But my daughter’s nickname at church is “Smiley” and I get compliments all the time on my kids behavior and attitude.
Despite all the good my kids do and the fact we go to their grandparents twice a month so they can do chore for them, my parents still insist that I am a horrible mother because we don’t have a clean place. However, I’m not the child who had one child put into a state instition because he tried to his stepmother and me. And I’m not the other child that won’t even bring her children to see their grandparents. And I’m the only one still active in Church.
I guess despite being a slob, I’m not that bad either.
The funny thing about my parents is that I remember my DAD teaching me how to properly clean a counter, etc. I stopped blaming my mom for things a while ago…
Now, Ross’ mom chose making the kids do chores very strictly, and he went to bed at 8pm the whole time he lived at home!
Let’s just say that we are closer to my parents than to his…
When I see my friend make her 8 year old daughter do tons of chores, even if there are friends over and chores are ALL I ever hear her “talk” about to her daughter, I feel sorry for the daughter. All she’s going to remember from her childhood is doing chores (including toilet cleaning!) and will probably develop an aversion to doing them in the future.
I like to think that I choose my kids and family time over housework… so, sorry my house isn’t sparkly clean, but, we have lots of fun together.
And it does get cleaned enough to facilitate our fun times together.
AND- Why don’t people visit me when my house is clean? People only come over to our house when it’s been a week or two since we’ve cleaned…and we’re all too tired to care. I guess that’s life.
BTW, Thanks for your 5 Things/list cleaning idea that you shared, I hung one up for my kids last night and my daughter was so excited about it she did 3 things on the list! I drew pictures of everything on her list next to the words so she could “read” it. She feels like such a big girl to be able to “read” her own list. With this new plan, we might actually have a clean house when people come over! I think I need to make myself a 5 things to do list! 🙂
The funny thing about my parents is that I remember my DAD teaching me how to properly clean a counter, etc. I stopped blaming my mom for things a while ago…
Now, Ross’ mom chose making the kids do chores very strictly, and he went to bed at 8pm the whole time he lived at home!
Let’s just say that we are closer to my parents than to his…
When I see my friend make her 8 year old daughter do tons of chores, even if there are friends over and chores are ALL I ever hear her “talk” about to her daughter, I feel sorry for the daughter. All she’s going to remember from her childhood is doing chores (including toilet cleaning!) and will probably develop an aversion to doing them in the future.
I like to think that I choose my kids and family time over housework… so, sorry my house isn’t sparkly clean, but, we have lots of fun together.
And it does get cleaned enough to facilitate our fun times together.
AND- Why don’t people visit me when my house is clean? People only come over to our house when it’s been a week or two since we’ve cleaned…and we’re all too tired to care. I guess that’s life.
BTW, Thanks for your 5 Things/list cleaning idea that you shared, I hung one up for my kids last night and my daughter was so excited about it she did 3 things on the list! I drew pictures of everything on her list next to the words so she could “read” it. She feels like such a big girl to be able to “read” her own list. With this new plan, we might actually have a clean house when people come over! I think I need to make myself a 5 things to do list! 🙂
All she’s going to remember from her childhood is doing chores (including toilet cleaning!) and will probably develop an aversion to doing them in the future.
Pretty much most of what I remember was doing chores, but I did have moments of childhood. Perhaps this young lady will too.
All she’s going to remember from her childhood is doing chores (including toilet cleaning!) and will probably develop an aversion to doing them in the future.
Pretty much most of what I remember was doing chores, but I did have moments of childhood. Perhaps this young lady will too.
Sounds like your parents got their job done! Whatever they did or didn’t do in the course of your upbringing prepared you to be the person that you are, but as you say, it’s YOUR reponsibility to put it into practice in your own way.
Sounds like your parents got their job done! Whatever they did or didn’t do in the course of your upbringing prepared you to be the person that you are, but as you say, it’s YOUR reponsibility to put it into practice in your own way.
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job!
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job!