For 10 years I was a stay at home mom. I was most comfortable with other moms and could talk endlessly about my kids, children in general, and parenting. It was fascinating, stimulating, and invigorating. I was happy and fulfilled. Oh some things were hard. I sometimes felt trapped or housebound. I sometimes longed for sleep or more freedom from infant care. But I felt it was the best my life had ever been.
For the past 9 months I have been a work from home mom. The shift is subtle, but it is sending ripples through my life and changing how I feel about many things. I’m no longer content to sit with other moms and just talk about kids. I also want to talk about them. I want to know what they do when they aren’t being Mom. Perhaps I am seeking validation. Perhaps I just need to know that it is okay for me to want things that aren’t related to parenting. Perhaps I’m wanting to provoke these other moms to stretch in ways that I have recently stretched.
I remember being completely happy as a stay at home mom. I remember when that completely fulfilled me. Now the thought of going back to just parenting makes me feel mildly claustrophobic. This does not mean that I was foolish or deluded or oppressed when my only job was household and child care. This only means that I have changed and that role does not fit me the way that it used to.
This shift in my interests and self perceptions has created something of a social disconnect. Most of the women with whom I share social contacts are stay at home mothers. They are happy and fulfilled taking care of kids, decorating their houses, cooking, cleaning, canning, making crafts. I still do many of those things, but they fit differently. I feel differently about them. And I have these other things about which I care a great deal. My sahm friends will listen as I ramble on about online stores and book mailings, but they don’t understand it. They understand when I ramble about potty training or braces, but not the business stuff. I tend to not ramble about the writing that I do. I’m not sure why I don’t talk about writing.
I just thought of a visual representation of what I am trying to describe. It’s a venn diagram. My personal circle used to completely overlap the circle of the typical sahm. But my circle has shifted sideways. I still do sahm stuff, but I also do these other things. I like that image, because the thought that somehow I’d “grown up” and being a sahm was too small for me feels offensive. Who knows, perhaps in the future I’ll shift back to being a full sahm. Perhaps I’ll shift to something completely new.
I guess the short version of this long ramble is that I’m in a new place and while I like it, it isn’t entirely comfortable.
If it’s a venn diagram, then your circle has grown larger. The sahm circle is contained within your circle, but your circle is wider than the sahm circle. So you have areas now beyond the sahm circle while containing it within you.
Sounds like growth to me. Good on ya!
If it’s a venn diagram, then your circle has grown larger. The sahm circle is contained within your circle, but your circle is wider than the sahm circle. So you have areas now beyond the sahm circle while containing it within you.
Sounds like growth to me. Good on ya!
It doesn’t sound as though you shifted as much as you expanded. It’s not that it was too small… it’s just that you grew larger. (I know what a huge job that is. It amazes me how well you do it even yet and still have more in your life.)
It doesn’t sound as though you shifted as much as you expanded. It’s not that it was too small… it’s just that you grew larger. (I know what a huge job that is. It amazes me how well you do it even yet and still have more in your life.)
I hate the idea that I was content to be a sahm only because I was smaller and now that I’ve grown it somehow isn’t enough for me anymore. There is enough bad blood between sahms and working moms, I believe that both choices can be valid and fulfilling.
There are sahm things that I no longer do. Some of them are because my kids are older and mostly in school. Others are things that used to be challenging, but now are routine and take less time. Still other things I have decided are unimportant to me. All of this has created a space. I still maintain that my capabilites are no bigger than they were 9 months ago, I’m just using them differently.
I hate the idea that I was content to be a sahm only because I was smaller and now that I’ve grown it somehow isn’t enough for me anymore. There is enough bad blood between sahms and working moms, I believe that both choices can be valid and fulfilling.
There are sahm things that I no longer do. Some of them are because my kids are older and mostly in school. Others are things that used to be challenging, but now are routine and take less time. Still other things I have decided are unimportant to me. All of this has created a space. I still maintain that my capabilites are no bigger than they were 9 months ago, I’m just using them differently.
I understand. Perhaps a different perspective of it all, but, I get it.
My Tuesday Mom Playgroup has different people in it. The one that I have a hard time listening to is the one who is now where I used to be psychologically about 10 years ago. It’s amazing to see how far I’ve come by listening to her. The ones I like talking to are done with the “complaining/poor me” phase and are working hard on improving themselves (and like to read books and learn new vocab. 🙂
World of Warcraft is a whole world of mine that I can’t talk about with my friends. They don’t get it. {:)
The other way I can understand it is that there are a ton of women around me in my ward and group that have babies/toddlers and are planning on more. I can’t really relate too well anymore.
“Would you like to see my baby?” they ask… and I look and think to myself, ‘YEP! That’s a baby alright! SO glad I’m done with that!’
I think as we go through life our “circles” grow larger and shift. We gain friends and lose friends and we are friendly with people we don’t have much in common with anymore. WE GROW! That’s life! Enjoy it!
Congrats on your circle growing larger!
I understand. Perhaps a different perspective of it all, but, I get it.
My Tuesday Mom Playgroup has different people in it. The one that I have a hard time listening to is the one who is now where I used to be psychologically about 10 years ago. It’s amazing to see how far I’ve come by listening to her. The ones I like talking to are done with the “complaining/poor me” phase and are working hard on improving themselves (and like to read books and learn new vocab. 🙂
World of Warcraft is a whole world of mine that I can’t talk about with my friends. They don’t get it. {:)
The other way I can understand it is that there are a ton of women around me in my ward and group that have babies/toddlers and are planning on more. I can’t really relate too well anymore.
“Would you like to see my baby?” they ask… and I look and think to myself, ‘YEP! That’s a baby alright! SO glad I’m done with that!’
I think as we go through life our “circles” grow larger and shift. We gain friends and lose friends and we are friendly with people we don’t have much in common with anymore. WE GROW! That’s life! Enjoy it!
Congrats on your circle growing larger!
My family and I are very close, but my “twiddles” – painting, music, etc., are something they’ve never understood. The same goes for my tendency to search down a spiritual path and make my own discoveries. It isn’t that I’m somehow “more” than them, but rather that I’m ever-so-slightly “other.” I’ve found other people in my life with whom I can discuss these things – many of them on the internet. I’m sure that you will too – oh, wait, you have! It’s not the same as an easy conversation over dinner, but it’s still quite fulfilling.
My family and I are very close, but my “twiddles” – painting, music, etc., are something they’ve never understood. The same goes for my tendency to search down a spiritual path and make my own discoveries. It isn’t that I’m somehow “more” than them, but rather that I’m ever-so-slightly “other.” I’ve found other people in my life with whom I can discuss these things – many of them on the internet. I’m sure that you will too – oh, wait, you have! It’s not the same as an easy conversation over dinner, but it’s still quite fulfilling.