I think that one of the reasons I’ve left all these thoughts and feelings about radiation therapy boxed up for so long is fear about how it would affect Howard if I opened it up. For me talking about all this stuff may be therapeudic, but it was significant in Howard’s life too. I never want to make his day worse. That hurts. However I began unpacking this box on Howard’s advice. Apparently the advice is good because since I unloaded in the last few entries I’ve felt much better about the season and life in general. It is tempting to say “good enough,” but I think I need to finish or I’ll still have this box hanging around with a few things rattling around in it.

I asked Howard if reading my “radiation saga” was affecting his mood. He was having a down day on the same day I wrote about the process of radiation therapy and I was worried that my entry had contributed. Howard told me two things. First that he didn’t think that my entries were affecting his mood. Mostly he was reading them and thinking “I didn’t know that. Or that. Or that.” He came to the conclusion that I’d really bottled up lots of stuff. Which brought him to his second point, even if I was affecting his mood I needed to write it all anyway.

I didn’t want to do radiation therapy, but since it was medically necessary I tried to arrange it for maximum convenience to everyone. During the year prior I’d done some regular babysitting for my cousin. I called in that favor and she agreed to watch Kiki & Link every afternoon for the duration. I’d load us all in the car, drop them at my cousin’s go to therapy, pick them up, and come home. It was logical and it worked. I remember getting into our old 1985 suburban at my cousin’s house and realizing that radiation therapy was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I realized that it was a triumph because it was harder than anything I’d ever managed to do, but I was surviving. Howard tells me that during this phase of the therapy it was hardly even on his radar. He’d be there for me when I was upset, but radiation was just a thing I was doing in the afternoons.

We were both so convinced that I could continue to manage that Howard went ahead and left on a several-days long business trip. That abruptly put an end to the “manage by myself” phase of radiation treatments. In retrospect the trip was poorly timed, it hit just as my throat was beginning to be sore and my energy reserves were used up because I wasn’t eating enough to replenish them. Howard was gone one day and then I called him in tears. I don’t remember everything I said, but I do remember crying and telling him that I wasn’t even managing to feed the children regularly. Howard got off the phone with me and called someone local to come and be with me right away. I don’t even remember who it was. He also called my mom and made arrangements for her to come and stay with us. Then he got on the first plane home.

Once Howard arrived, he stabilized things at home, then he went into the office and informed his boss that he would not be doing any more travelling for a year. At the time Howard was working in a position that required regular travel. When he made this declaration he knew there was a possiblity that he would get fired or transferred into an unpalatable new position. He did it anyway. The people at work were accomodating and his job did not suffer.

Before this series of events I knew Howard loved me, but this brought that home to me in a way that I have never forgotten. Howard demonstrated a willingness to drop everything and be there when I needed him. He’d done it before in small ways, but this was huge and I’ve never forgotten it. Anytime I talk about Howard always being there for me this event comes to mind. Actually it is a series of events. My mom stayed with us for three weeks, but Howard was there except the times he had to be at work. He coaxed me to eat when mom couldn’t. He held me and took care of me. He made sure the kids got fed and played with.

Radiation therapy was also very significant in the development of Howard’s relationship with my family. They really became family for him rather than people he needed to tolerate. Howard never disliked my family, but before radiation they were MY family and after they were OUR family. Or maybe I’m reading that wrong. Howard will have to speak up about that if he cares to.

Gah. This entry has been too often interrupted and I’m tired now. Hopefully it is coherent.