For most of my life I’ve been a girl who hangs out with guys. This tendency started very early when I realized that the people playing the interesting games were all boys. Who wants to play hopscotch when you can be playing Clash of the Titans? Because I’ve hung around with guys a lot, I’ve been present for many rants, tirades, and laments about the foibles of the feminine half of the human race. I’d listen and resolve never to be as frustrating, demanding, or confusing as the female which featured in the story du jour. But finally at the age of 33 I am coming to terms with the fact that some of these female idiosyncrasies which drive men nuts are hardwired into the female brain. I am female, therefore they are part of me and I just have to learn to live with it.
As a logical, thinking being I can do much to temper my innate feminine reactions. I do not demand gifts of flowers as proof of affection. That has always been a point of pride for me. But I can not deny how much I light up with delight whenever flowers are given to me. Also I may not demand flowers, but I do emotionally require evidence of love and affection. If Howard has been really busy and distracted for an extended period of time (say a couple of weeks) there is a part of my brain which begins to wonder if he still loves me. It is ridiculous. I know it is ridiculous. He tells me that he loves me every day. He’s stayed with me through everything for 13 years. There is no reason I should doubt or feel unappreciated, but that need for regular affirmation is hardwired into my brain. Fortunately I’ve been able to train that little affirmation requiring demon to accept gifts in the form of dishes done, hugs given, jokes shared, etc. I’ve forced that demon to recognize the kinds of gestures which come more naturally to Howard. In this I am different from many women who try instead to train men to feed their demon correctly. I’m glad I’m that much different, but no matter how hard I may try, I can’t make the demon go away, just go quiescent.
And then there is the whole issue of hormonal surges. Some days everything makes me want to cry. Things which made me happy one day will be cause for tears the next. On such days I have to recognize that the crying demon is out for a romp and just looking for a cause to latch onto. The emotions can be so out of whack with reality that it is ridiculous. I remember one time, shortly after giving birth to Kiki, I sent Howard out on an errand. It was a critical errand that needed done, but while he was gone I was throw-objects-at-the-wall furious with him for being gone. Fortunately the emotion was so far out of line with logic that I was able to recognize it and not blast Howard with it when he returned. Emotions are like that all the time. I have to examine my emotions and try to figure out if they make sense. If they don’t then I still have to deal with the emotion, it doesn’t go away, but at least I know that I’ll probably feel differently tomorrow. If the emotions do make sense, that is a different issue entirely.
So there’s my rant on being female courtesy of today being a Mood day.
That is so accurate. Glad I’m not alone in feeling that way. Call if you need to talk.
That is so accurate. Glad I’m not alone in feeling that way. Call if you need to talk.
I don’t think this is a female-only trait. I firmly believe that everyone has this need. Those who are able to exist without constant, obvious affirmation are those who recieved it regularly during the formative years.
You kids will, no doubt, be able to weather some VERY tough times, because you and Howard are setting such an amazing foundation for them, not only in your strong faith, but in a kind, loving, supportive household.
A lot of people don’t get that growing up, and I think those are the people who need constant approval. They need to be told they are doing a good job, that they are great people, that people are glad to know them.
But anyways… Wanting reminders of how you’re loved isn’t just a female thing.
Guy s just aren’t supposed to talk about it… I’m gonna get a call from my union rep over this…
I don’t think this is a female-only trait. I firmly believe that everyone has this need. Those who are able to exist without constant, obvious affirmation are those who recieved it regularly during the formative years.
You kids will, no doubt, be able to weather some VERY tough times, because you and Howard are setting such an amazing foundation for them, not only in your strong faith, but in a kind, loving, supportive household.
A lot of people don’t get that growing up, and I think those are the people who need constant approval. They need to be told they are doing a good job, that they are great people, that people are glad to know them.
But anyways… Wanting reminders of how you’re loved isn’t just a female thing.
Guy s just aren’t supposed to talk about it… I’m gonna get a call from my union rep over this…
“Fortunately I’ve been able to train that little affirmation requiring demon to accept gifts in the form of dishes done, hugs given, jokes shared, etc. I’ve forced that demon to recognize the kinds of gestures which come more naturally to Howard.”
I’ve never seen it expressed this way before, but it makes so much sense to me in light of past relationships, and really provides a new perspective on why they failed and (part of) why my current one is going so well. In both of my previous two relationships, and particularly the second one, being overly busy with school, along with my usual reserved personality, meant there was a fundamental difference between the sorts of affirmations and attention I had the time and ability (and willingness) to give, and those that my partner needed to receive. It wasn’t really either of our faults in that respect, it was just an incompatibility that we didn’t know enough to try to address.
Thank you for that thought. It really was helpful.
“Fortunately I’ve been able to train that little affirmation requiring demon to accept gifts in the form of dishes done, hugs given, jokes shared, etc. I’ve forced that demon to recognize the kinds of gestures which come more naturally to Howard.”
I’ve never seen it expressed this way before, but it makes so much sense to me in light of past relationships, and really provides a new perspective on why they failed and (part of) why my current one is going so well. In both of my previous two relationships, and particularly the second one, being overly busy with school, along with my usual reserved personality, meant there was a fundamental difference between the sorts of affirmations and attention I had the time and ability (and willingness) to give, and those that my partner needed to receive. It wasn’t really either of our faults in that respect, it was just an incompatibility that we didn’t know enough to try to address.
Thank you for that thought. It really was helpful.
Yeah, many women spend their time and energy trying to train their man on the correct feeding of demons. I’ve spent lots of time trying to train my demons. A strong relationship necessarily has a balance of the two.
Glad the thought was helpful. Your answer was helpful too. I tweaked my entry adding a sentence because I wanted to capture the thought you triggered.
Yeah, many women spend their time and energy trying to train their man on the correct feeding of demons. I’ve spent lots of time trying to train my demons. A strong relationship necessarily has a balance of the two.
Glad the thought was helpful. Your answer was helpful too. I tweaked my entry adding a sentence because I wanted to capture the thought you triggered.
Yes all human beings require affirmation. However if one partner in a stable, happy relationship utters the question “Do you really love me?” it will almost always be the female.
Yes all human beings require affirmation. However if one partner in a stable, happy relationship utters the question “Do you really love me?” it will almost always be the female.
In particular, it seems that trying to train one’s partner in that respect can lead to resentment because it seems to the partner that the person in question just doesn’t appreciate the things that they try to do for them. That’s often a more general problem which, I think, leads people to not be willing to discuss relationship problems with each other – it’s hard for some people to ask their partners to change for them, and it’s very hard for some people to accept such requests gracefully.
Glad I could help in return. 😀
In particular, it seems that trying to train one’s partner in that respect can lead to resentment because it seems to the partner that the person in question just doesn’t appreciate the things that they try to do for them. That’s often a more general problem which, I think, leads people to not be willing to discuss relationship problems with each other – it’s hard for some people to ask their partners to change for them, and it’s very hard for some people to accept such requests gracefully.
Glad I could help in return. 😀
There is a very good book that I had the opportunity to read last summer called “The Five Love Languages” which is by Gary Chapman (available on Amazon and probably your local bookshop). His theory is that people are more receptive to affection spoken in their primary “love language” — those being Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
From what you wrote, and from what I remember, it sounds like you might be more plugged into gifts (eg, flowers) while Howard is more attuned to acts of service (dishes done, etc.) Knowing how you & your spouse are wired helps you both to “speak affection” in his language, and to recognise when he is speaking affection to you in the way he best understands it, even if it’s not what you’re primarily tuned to… if that somewhat rambly sentence makes sense.
It’s a quick read, and a good one. I’m not married (yet) but it’s already helped my boyfriend and I communicate better. (I am words/physical touch, and he is service/gifts).
There is a very good book that I had the opportunity to read last summer called “The Five Love Languages” which is by Gary Chapman (available on Amazon and probably your local bookshop). His theory is that people are more receptive to affection spoken in their primary “love language” — those being Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
From what you wrote, and from what I remember, it sounds like you might be more plugged into gifts (eg, flowers) while Howard is more attuned to acts of service (dishes done, etc.) Knowing how you & your spouse are wired helps you both to “speak affection” in his language, and to recognise when he is speaking affection to you in the way he best understands it, even if it’s not what you’re primarily tuned to… if that somewhat rambly sentence makes sense.
It’s a quick read, and a good one. I’m not married (yet) but it’s already helped my boyfriend and I communicate better. (I am words/physical touch, and he is service/gifts).
This is a great book. I keep planning on re-visiting it and applying it better in my family. Thanks for the reminder!
This is a great book. I keep planning on re-visiting it and applying it better in my family. Thanks for the reminder!
*kills crying demon*
There. My day just got instantly better. How’s yours? =wry=
At least, I wish it were that easy. Even Beach Boys songs made me cry today. wtf?
Good post. Good points. Thanks for sharing 🙂
*kills crying demon*
There. My day just got instantly better. How’s yours? =wry=
At least, I wish it were that easy. Even Beach Boys songs made me cry today. wtf?
Good post. Good points. Thanks for sharing 🙂
… So is that where the whole not wanting to communicate properly thing comes from? Huh. Always wondered.
… So is that where the whole not wanting to communicate properly thing comes from? Huh. Always wondered.
Somewhere there is an on-line test/meme about which is your love language. It pops up every 6 months or so.
Somewhere there is an on-line test/meme about which is your love language. It pops up every 6 months or so.
You know, getting a card with nice words on it for an Anniversary or with the unexpected not necessarily needed flowers IS very important to me.
So, that is the ONE thing that I trained Ross to do.
He has trained me to do things that are important to him too.
I guess as long as it’s not TOO many things and it’s evenly done… a little training isn’t bad.
*little demon smiles happily*
You know, getting a card with nice words on it for an Anniversary or with the unexpected not necessarily needed flowers IS very important to me.
So, that is the ONE thing that I trained Ross to do.
He has trained me to do things that are important to him too.
I guess as long as it’s not TOO many things and it’s evenly done… a little training isn’t bad.
*little demon smiles happily*
Howard’s a lucky guy
After having my own trials with my wife, I have to say that Howard is truly a lucky man to have a wife like you (I can’t imagine being supported as I quit my job to be a cartoonist) and a wonderful family like yours. And, from a man’s point of view, (and I’m sure that Howard, the great guy he is mentions it constantly) just making the attempt to appreciate how he shows his love for you will always be appreciated.
-Doc
(long time reader, and proud owner of an almost matched set of sketch schlocky books)
Howard’s a lucky guy
After having my own trials with my wife, I have to say that Howard is truly a lucky man to have a wife like you (I can’t imagine being supported as I quit my job to be a cartoonist) and a wonderful family like yours. And, from a man’s point of view, (and I’m sure that Howard, the great guy he is mentions it constantly) just making the attempt to appreciate how he shows his love for you will always be appreciated.
-Doc
(long time reader, and proud owner of an almost matched set of sketch schlocky books)
Re: Howard’s a lucky guy
You’re right. Howard is a great guy. In this case he made his own luck. His support of me is less visible than my support of him because I am less visible, but the support is very real and very appreciated.
I hope that you and your wife sorted things out.
Re: Howard’s a lucky guy
You’re right. Howard is a great guy. In this case he made his own luck. His support of me is less visible than my support of him because I am less visible, but the support is very real and very appreciated.
I hope that you and your wife sorted things out.