The LDS (Mormon) church to which I belong does not employ clergy. All of the leadership positions in the congregation and auxiliaries are filled by volunteers. Because people tend not to jump up and down shouting “pick me” for the hard jobs, the volunteers are usually called in and asked to take on the responsibilities rather than waiting for someone to step forward of themselves. There is mild social pressure to say yes to one of these assignments, but there are no consequences for rejecting an assignment.
Two weeks ago I was asked to become the den leader for our congregation’s Webelos boy scout den. This is a group of boys aged 10. Right now there are only three, but by September when Link turns 10 there will be eight boys. I said yes to the assignment because I could see that this would be a good thing for me and for Link. I will get to spend time with my boy doing cool stuff. I’ll get to know most of the boys in our neighborhood who are his age. I’ll have a chance to build relationships with all of these boys. In addition, I believe that I am blessed every time I stretch myself to undertake one of these church assignments. The volunteer work enriches my life in ways that I don’t always expect. Saying yes was obviously the right answer. So I said yes even though I didn’t want the assignment.
It took me more than a week to sort out why logic and emotion were speaking to me so differently about this particular assignment. Everything logical told me it was good. I acted on the logic and took steps to acquire my materials and get oriented by the former leader. But in the back of my brain, emotion was jumping up and down while stamping her feet and shouting “I don’t wanna!”
At first I thought my emotional defiance was because of problems I have with the Boy Scouts of America, like their insistence on uniforms. I don’t mind if other people want to wear uniforms, but I hate to wear them myself. I’m going to have to wear an ugly shirt with patches all over it. This does not excite me. I also worried about the focus on earning badges. I’ve seen parents turn themselves inside out to make sure that their boy earns his badges. But the badges are supposed to represent an achievement by the boy, not piles of work done by the parents. Some of these concerns sorted themselves out as I thought about them. I realized that the badges provide a framework to motivate parents to spend time with their boys. So long as the parents don’t turn earning badges into a stress-fest, the boy will gain from the time and attention. The core point of boy scouts is for responsible adults to spend time with young boys, imparting values and building relationships. Everything else is window dressing. As a den leader I’ll have power to make sure that the emphasis is in the right place. It was another logical reason to accept the assignment, but didn’t solve the emotional issues.
I finally realized that the core of my emotional defiance was that in order to do “Webelos Den Leader” really right, I’m going to have to commit to 3-5 hours per week of work and I’m going to have to care about these boys. Both my time and my emotional resources are limited. I did not want to give up any of them. Taking the Den Leader position probably means less writing and a messier house, because I can’t afford to cut back on the business stuff and I won’t short change my kids.
My emotional turn-around came when I thought about how often I depend on the help of others to meet my kids’ needs. I depend on school teachers, and youth leaders, and Sunday school teachers, and friends’ parents to help me teach my kids the lessons they need; to keep them safe. For the safety net to be strong, the dependence can not flow all one way. The unspoken contract is that I must be willing to extend the same help and nurturing to the children of others. How many of the mothers of these boys are sitting at home praying that their boy gets a really good Den Leader? How can I not answer that prayer when the opportunity is handed to me? And so I will dive into this assignment. I will wear the ugly shirt. I will help boys and parents earn badges. I will spend the 3-5 hours per week. And I will grow to love these boys. I will do it all in the hope that somehow something I do will make a difference for one of them; that something I teach will stay with them and answer a future need. I will do it because I hope that others are out there doing the same thing for my kids when they are away from me.
I wish you well! My youngest son turned 10 on Friday and will receive his Bear award tonight at Pack Mtg. I was blessed to have a chance to be his Cub Scout Den Leader (and relieved to move on when released!) I had the same opportunity with my two older sons. My best advice (not that you asked for any) is to get the training you need, and then have fun earning the Webelos pins with the boys. Count it as time spent building the relationships with your son and his peers doing things that will help build good leaders and well-rounded people. Enjoy it! Even that ucky shirt. 🙂 I’m currently the Scout Committee Chairman for our Scouts….so I still get/have to wear the uniform.
I wish you well! My youngest son turned 10 on Friday and will receive his Bear award tonight at Pack Mtg. I was blessed to have a chance to be his Cub Scout Den Leader (and relieved to move on when released!) I had the same opportunity with my two older sons. My best advice (not that you asked for any) is to get the training you need, and then have fun earning the Webelos pins with the boys. Count it as time spent building the relationships with your son and his peers doing things that will help build good leaders and well-rounded people. Enjoy it! Even that ucky shirt. 🙂 I’m currently the Scout Committee Chairman for our Scouts….so I still get/have to wear the uniform.
I understand this feeling. I think this is the emotion behind my comment about not wanting to be a mom. I have a limited amount of time and a limited amount of resources. Right now my resources are even more reduced than normal, because of the mono. I’m having a sick week. Right now the idea of something else pulling on my emotional resources is completely overwhelming to me. But next week I’ll probably feel better. I don’t have to add anything new right now.
It’s good that you’ve been able to find a perspective that allows you to take on the task without resentment. It’s always easier to take on something more, even if you don’t want to, when you can see why it’s vital for you to do so.
I understand this feeling. I think this is the emotion behind my comment about not wanting to be a mom. I have a limited amount of time and a limited amount of resources. Right now my resources are even more reduced than normal, because of the mono. I’m having a sick week. Right now the idea of something else pulling on my emotional resources is completely overwhelming to me. But next week I’ll probably feel better. I don’t have to add anything new right now.
It’s good that you’ve been able to find a perspective that allows you to take on the task without resentment. It’s always easier to take on something more, even if you don’t want to, when you can see why it’s vital for you to do so.
Congratulations!
I hope your experience as a Den Mother (at least that’s what we used to be called) is as much fun, and as rewarding, as mine.
I’ll enjoy hearing about your travels through this new gold mine.
Love (as always) – Anne
Congratulations!
I hope your experience as a Den Mother (at least that’s what we used to be called) is as much fun, and as rewarding, as mine.
I’ll enjoy hearing about your travels through this new gold mine.
Love (as always) – Anne
“Gold Mine
I should have called the “location” a Goal Mine!
“Gold Mine
I should have called the “location” a Goal Mine!
Ross and I are the Bear Den Leaders. I hate yellow so I opted for the tan/khaki color uniform. I LIKE my uniform!
I’m working on earning a knot badge for den leaders.
Of course, I am the only girl with 3 younger brothers with my father always in Scouts in one way or another… SO, for me I feel like
“FINALLY! I get to wear a uniform!” 🙂
Do you have an assistant? It definitely makes things WAY easier!
Ross and I are the Bear Den Leaders. I hate yellow so I opted for the tan/khaki color uniform. I LIKE my uniform!
I’m working on earning a knot badge for den leaders.
Of course, I am the only girl with 3 younger brothers with my father always in Scouts in one way or another… SO, for me I feel like
“FINALLY! I get to wear a uniform!” 🙂
Do you have an assistant? It definitely makes things WAY easier!
I second needing an assistant, particularly one that isn’t your husband (or one in addition to your husband)…
I hate the planning and the effort and the time it takes, but once the boys are over we usually have a blast. And taking the time to be a good den leader will bring its own rewards – pretty much every parent I’ve talked to has told me that I’m the best den leader their kids have ever had, because I take the time to get the kids involved and having fun. Crafts are good! And you’ll find that the Cub Scouting program helps make everything easier – just don’t do what I do and wait till the afternoon of the first den meeting of the month, and remember that you forgot to plan, because *that* is stressful. If you do all the planning for the month at once, maybe on a Saturday a few days before hand, you’ll find that things work much more smoothly than being a bad naughty procrastinator.
I second needing an assistant, particularly one that isn’t your husband (or one in addition to your husband)…
I hate the planning and the effort and the time it takes, but once the boys are over we usually have a blast. And taking the time to be a good den leader will bring its own rewards – pretty much every parent I’ve talked to has told me that I’m the best den leader their kids have ever had, because I take the time to get the kids involved and having fun. Crafts are good! And you’ll find that the Cub Scouting program helps make everything easier – just don’t do what I do and wait till the afternoon of the first den meeting of the month, and remember that you forgot to plan, because *that* is stressful. If you do all the planning for the month at once, maybe on a Saturday a few days before hand, you’ll find that things work much more smoothly than being a bad naughty procrastinator.
Cub Scouts
One of the really fun things about being a cub scout den leader is that you DON’T have to make them sit still. You take all that energy and channel it into activities and projects and fun. One thing I did was eliminate snacks from the program. Saved a lot of organization as to who is responsible for snack, etc. and left more time for activities. Then when I wanted to have a discussion, the boys were happy to have a popcorn party. I would pop lots of popcorn and we would sit around the table and munch and talk. It worked great! Another thing that helped me was to organize the month. One week was devoted to advancement, one week I planned a field trip or outing. (Outings could be simple such as going to the park to play a game or taking a walk, etc.) One week was used to prepare for pack meeting. And the week we had a pack meeting, we didn’t have a den meeting. (I felt that one meeting a week for scouts was enough for parents and kids–especially when school is going.)
To keep kids motivated for advancements, I bought a stack of baseball cards. If a boy brought his book to den meeting with something signed off (not necessarily the whole badge–but something), he could choose a card. If he brought his book and didn’t have something signed off and we did something that could be signed off, I signed his book and gave him a baseball card. It really did work. Kids wanted the card and parents wanted the kids to get the cards. (Of course I was working with Bears and Wolves and I don’t know how this would correlate with the Webelo program.) I had an activity (usually outdoors) planned for the first 10-15 minutes so I had time to go over books. Parents were asked to mark pages with signatures with post-it notes.
You are going to enjoy being a den mother and sharing scouting with your son. You will invest a fair amount of time for advancement projects but field trip and activity weeks require less prep time. Keep skits and projects for pack meeting simple. When Link moves on, you will relinguish your position with relief but have many happy memories. That is what I predict for you. Oh yes! You are going to be great at this!
Cub Scouts
One of the really fun things about being a cub scout den leader is that you DON’T have to make them sit still. You take all that energy and channel it into activities and projects and fun. One thing I did was eliminate snacks from the program. Saved a lot of organization as to who is responsible for snack, etc. and left more time for activities. Then when I wanted to have a discussion, the boys were happy to have a popcorn party. I would pop lots of popcorn and we would sit around the table and munch and talk. It worked great! Another thing that helped me was to organize the month. One week was devoted to advancement, one week I planned a field trip or outing. (Outings could be simple such as going to the park to play a game or taking a walk, etc.) One week was used to prepare for pack meeting. And the week we had a pack meeting, we didn’t have a den meeting. (I felt that one meeting a week for scouts was enough for parents and kids–especially when school is going.)
To keep kids motivated for advancements, I bought a stack of baseball cards. If a boy brought his book to den meeting with something signed off (not necessarily the whole badge–but something), he could choose a card. If he brought his book and didn’t have something signed off and we did something that could be signed off, I signed his book and gave him a baseball card. It really did work. Kids wanted the card and parents wanted the kids to get the cards. (Of course I was working with Bears and Wolves and I don’t know how this would correlate with the Webelo program.) I had an activity (usually outdoors) planned for the first 10-15 minutes so I had time to go over books. Parents were asked to mark pages with signatures with post-it notes.
You are going to enjoy being a den mother and sharing scouting with your son. You will invest a fair amount of time for advancement projects but field trip and activity weeks require less prep time. Keep skits and projects for pack meeting simple. When Link moves on, you will relinguish your position with relief but have many happy memories. That is what I predict for you. Oh yes! You are going to be great at this!