Sandra Tayler

Note: The concept of relationships as accounts was given me by someone else. What I am doing here is just putting the metaphor into my own words in ways that help me analyze interactions that I have seen.

Relationships are like joint bank accounts. Both people can make deposits to the account causing it to grow and both cam make withdrawals from the account causing it to shrink. Anything that strengthens a relationship, like a remembered birthday, counts as a deposit. Anything that weakens a relationship, like hurtful words, counts as a withdrawal. New accounts aren’t very big and so they can’t stand very many withdrawals before they bankrupt. Long standing accounts can stand up to many more withdrawals. However even a long standing account can be overdrawn and bankrupted.

When one person makes a big withdrawal from the joint account, it can be very frightening/upsetting for the other person. Suddenly she is reminded that she does not have complete control of how this account grows or is spent. Sometimes that fear leads her to also make a withdrawal. After all he did it, why can’t she? Unfortunately this pattern quickly leads to an account that is overdrawn and bankrupt. This pattern is particularly evident in divorces as both people struggle to withdraw as much as they can from an account that is already overdrawn.

Another response to a large withdrawal is when the injured person demands a deposit to make up for the withdrawal. You see this when a woman demands flowers in recompense for a forgotten anniversary. Unfortunately, deposits that are produced in response to a demand, only carry half the value they would otherwise have. On the other hand, an unexpected deposit, like surprise flowers, can triple or quadruple in value.

Some relationships are structured so that one person makes far more withdrawals than deposits. Parent/child relationships are this way. Sometimes the child makes a deposit to the account, but it is usually the responsibility of the parent to keep the account solvent. The parent has to pull funds from somewhere else to keep the account going. Of course it also falls to the parent to teach their children how and when to make deposits to relationship accounts. Sometimes this means demanding deposits, such as an apology.

If a person is physically or mentally ill, then they make far more withdrawals than they do deposits. This is not by choice. It falls to the caretaker to value the deposits that the ill person manages to make according to the difficulty of making deposits at all. This is not easy.

Gifts can be significant deposits. Gifts make a large deposit at the moment of gifting, but they continue to make small deposits every time the recipient sees or touches the gift. Gifts can also be withdrawals if the gift serves as a reminder of misunderstanding or if the gift comes with strings attached. Gifts are more likely to be accepted as large deposits if they demonstrate significant sacrifice or effort. Jewelry is a favored gift because it is expensive, thus it represents a large sacrifice of money and the effort required to earn that money. A handmade gift represents a large sacrifice of time.

Sometimes one person believes she is making a deposit when the other person perceives it as a withdrawal. This is like the mother who expresses her love by making sure that the laundry and dishes are always done. But the child ends up feeling like housework is more important than he is. In order for a deposit to really build the account, it can’t be made in a currency that is foreign to the recipient.

The light hanging turned out to be much less painful than I’d anticipated. Much of it actually happened yesterday when Kiki came to me and asked when we were going to hang Christmas lights. I answered that I didn’t want to deal with it yet. Then she said “I’ll do it. You have a willing worker right here.” In that moment I realized that if lights outside are important to the kids, then the kids can be involved in making it happen. I handed Kiki the box of lights and she happily tested them and then strung them into our front shrubbery. By the time she was done she was saying how she didn’t think that the house needed lights at all. Instead we could just have pretty plants. I’m pretty sure that was the cold and tired talking, but I decided not to argue.

Today the Christmas tree came out of storage and was put up in the front room. I have not touched it at all. Kiki marshalled all the kids, they assembled the tree, put lights on, strung beads, and now the tree stands half decorated because they’re all tired of doing tree. I’m sure the rest of the ornaments will go on either tonight or tomorrow.

It is nice to realize that some of our Christmas traditions now have a momentum of their own. It is not up to me to make it all go. That is good, because I don’t think I had the motivation to pull it off today.

I think I am experiencing some residual jellyfishness. I am getting necessary things done, but my brain still rebels at the thought of planning or being in charge of anything beyond routine tasks. Fortunately Howard likes to cook and so he commanded the preparations for yesterday’s holiday feast. I just followed instructions and made pies.

My big goals for today were to ship out the corrections to the mailing errors, catch up on the laundry, and make sure that the house stays clean rather than reverting to disaster. So far so good. Tomorrow we’ll begin decorating for Christmas. We’ll start with the outside lights because a snow storm and cold snap are due next week. I can put up the tree in snowy weather, but even the smallest bit of snow prevents me from climbing ladders onto my roof. If it were just up to me, we wouldn’t put lights on the outside of our house. I love driving by rows of houses all lit up, but I hate having to be the one to hang the lights. I hate having to pay for the electric bill. But the kids love the lights. I remember loving the lights as a kid and I remember feeling like something was missing on the years that my parents failed to put up outside lights. I think it has been a couple of years since we hung lights outside, so this year I’m going to do it.

I just hate all those strands of lights where for no apparent reason half the strand goes dead. Those lights are not made for troubleshooting. I miss the lights I grew up with which had actual bulbs you could screw into sockets. If one light went dead you had one light out, not half a strand dead. Last year I finally accepted the inevitable and gave away a box full of half lit light strands. I am never going to take the time to figure out which bulb needs to be replaced. That means this year I’m likely to be short on light strands and I’ll have to run to the store to buy more. I can live with that. Maybe I’ll even contemplate buying lights with bulbs. So forecast for tomorrow: Ladders and lights with occasional bouts of grumpiness.

After the outside lights comes the tree. Our Christmas tree is huge. And it requires lights. I don’t think we’ll get the tree up tomorrow. We’ll see.

Fie on Howard and his psychological fu. He sent all the happy “My schlock book arrived” email my way. I simply cannot continue to feel discouraged over the mailing mistakes when the “hooray!” emails out number the mistakes by at least 10 to 1. I’ve gotten lots of commentary from overseas recipients saying that the pieces of cardboard DID protect the book as they were intended to do. Domestic recipients commented on the sturdy boxes. The boxes definitely are much more secure for domestic mailing than the padded envelopes we used last time. I do have one report of a box that was folded in half and shoved into a mailbox. The mailman in question must have used his knee or foot for that particular feat. I received kind words from someone who actually attended the release party thanking us for having a movie running for kids to watch. I’m glad that worked out so well, it was a last minute addition to the agenda. (For anyone throwing a party, if you have an animated movie running on a dry erase table with free food available, kids will be happy for a long time. They eat and draw on the table and watch the movie while the parents get to visit or game.) I even got an email from someone who hadn’t ordered a book at all, but just wanted to participate in the encouraging emails. That one made me laugh with delight.

Once again Schlock fans prove that they are kind and generous. We are so lucky to get to do this and to meet the fantastic people that Schlock has brought to us.

I am thankful that we are able to work from home creating Schlock Mercenary without having to work for anyone else.

I am thankful for all the wonderful volunteers who came to help with the book packing and got so much done in such a short period of time.

I am thankful for the volunteers who came to our house to help us move a ton of books, then stuck around to visit for an hour afterwards.

I am thankful for all the postal workers who have always been incredibly kind and helpful to me.

I am thankful to all the fans who buy books, tip Howard via paypal, or raid our Amazon wishlists. Without them we could not meet the needs of our family.

I am thankful for the house I live in.

I am thankful for nebulized albuterol without which we would have made a trip to the ER last night.

I am thankful for many other miracles of modern medicine which have preserved and improved the lives of me and mine.

I am thankful for the wonderful neighborhood that we enjoy and the neighbors who do so much to make it wonderful.

I am thankful for my family and Howard’s family who have always been so supportive of everything we choose to do.

I am thankful for my faith and my religion which give me strength in dark times and joy in bright times.

I am thankful for four healthy children.

I am thankful for Kiki who is growing so intelligent and responsible. She is a tremendous help with all the things that need doing around here.

I am thankful for Link who is always loving and willing to help someone else feel happy.

I am thankful for Gleek who does so much to enliven our days and make us laugh.

I am thankful for Patches who gives great big hugs.

I am thankful for Howard who works so hard to support us all and who makes me laugh every day.

The list is much longer than this, but food needs cooking.

On Saturday night when I came home from the book release party I noticed a funny smell in the kitchen. I couldn’t identify it or locate it and I was too tired to spend much effort trying, so I ignored it.

Sunday morning the smell was much worse. It was the smell of a dead animal and it was coming from behind my fridge. I shared the observation with Howard and he agreed with my assessment. Together we pulled the fridge forward to see if we could find a dead mouse back there. We were able to ascertain that the smell was coming from the fridge rather than the wall, but failed to find a corpse. I’d hypothesized that perhaps a mouse had drown in the fridge’s drip tray, but it was dry and empty. We had to get ready for church, so we sprinkled baking soda liberally in the drip tray and on the floor. Then we pushed the fridge back into place. We hoped that the baking soda would absorb the smell. We also lit a scented candle. Later that evening Howard used turpentine in a painting project. The turpentine masked the rotten meat smell completely.

Monday our house smelled strongly of turpentine all day.

Tuesday the turpentine smell had dissipated, but the dead animal smell continued to waft from behind and beneath our fridge. By evening I was sick of it and vowed that first thing the next morning I would push the fridge back out and go hunting again. The strength and persistence of the smell led me to believe that this couldn’t possibly be a mouse. I was envisioning a rat somehow climbing inside my fridge and dying. But we’ve never had wild rats here. Perhaps someone’s pet had gotten loose? I thought about all those news stories where corpses are found because the neighbors noticed a nasty smell. If I lived in the twilight zone I’d probably find a human hand mysteriously rotting behind my fridge. I even spent some time trying to picture how one of the kids might have removed a chicken breast from the freezer and dropped it behind the fridge. Stranger things have happened.

This morning I collected flashlight and screwdriver. Then I pulled the fridge forward, removed the metal plate from the back, and went hunting. I found it. It was a dead mouse. Apparently this mouse had decided that the fan chamber was a good place to hide, then the fan turned on. The fan blades killed it. So the corpse of the mouse sat there in the fan chamber while the fan made sure that the rotting smell had the widest possible dispersion. We unplugged the fridge and commenced cleaning out the corpse and attendant mess. We used lots of bleach because anyone who has watched CSI knows that bleach is the proper way to clean up after a corpse.

We now have an extremely clean fridge fan and drip tray. The whole kitchen smells like a swimming pool, but I’ll take that over a kitchen smelling like dead animal any day. I’m glad we were able to find the mouse and get rid of it. Thanksgiving dinner accompanied by that particular smell would not be very appetizing.

I’ve discovered a problem with our shipping system. Howard gets all the email saying how wonderful the book is and how it arrived in perfect shape. I get all the emails telling how the books got damaged or there were items missing. I can usually resolve the issues very quickly and the customers then sing our praises and are completely happy, but I’m still left with a gnawing feeling that our system needs yet another overhaul. Logically I know that mistakes are inevitable when shipping 1300 packages in 2 days, but that doesn’t make it any better for the one person in 100 whose order was filled incorrectly. Experience tells me that I’ll have about a month of stray order corrections. I really wish we could get it all done perfectly the first time. I tried really hard to get it all perfect.

The kid’s school and a local skating rink have conspired. They offer a free skate night to all students and their families. Entrance to the rink is free and standard skates are free. The rink makes money on food sales and rollerblade rentals. I’m not sure what the school gets. Perhaps it is something the PTA pays for, I don’t know.

What I do know is that we have never attended any of these skate nights because they are invariably on school nights. There is no way the rink is going to give out free admission on a weekend. My kids have lamented this non-attendance greatly. Today I was feeling like I owed something to the kids for all the non attention and stress the past while, so we went to skate night.

We walked in the door and I was instantly transported back to my teen years. All roller rinks are essentially the same and the last time I went to one I was about 15. This one had the same lights and the same corny games that kids love and grown ups enjoy because the kids are loving them. There was the same row of video games and the concessions stand. It was different to see kids on scooters out there with the rollerskaters. But this rink allows scooters, it even rents them. (It also allowed strollers, which is cool.) This delighted Link who had no intention of wearing skates. Kiki and Gleek immediately spent the extra $2 for roller blades. I stayed with the retro molded plastic side by side rollerskates. With wheels on our feet we all hit the floor.

Patches hit the floor several times in the first few minutes and decided that he was done with the skating business. He opted for a Pizza dinner and then he went home with Howard. I was glad for this because it freed me up to get out on the floor with my three other kids. Kiki was totally in her element. She skated and played the corny games and bought candy with her money. Link played some of the video games and then happily scooted around. Gleek wasn’t so sure on her feet, but she figured out a sort of a march that let her get around the floor without falling down. Later when one of her rollerblades was hurting, she took it off. That was when she discovered that by using one foot to push and the the skated foot to glide she could go really fast. She particularly liked to go really fast crosswise to the flow of traffic, like a little frogger. Towards the end of the evening she was tired, so she’d go for half a lap with me then dart to the side (through traffic,) she’d wait for me to come back around again and she’d dart back out (through traffic) to join me. She was easily the smallest fast person out there. All the other small people clung to adults and to the edges of the rink.

As for me, I spent a lot of the evening trying to locate my kids. But as the rink cleared out I was able to relax and really skate. I know that I didn’t look cool or accomplished out there, but I was please with how much skating I remembered. I can still weave and spin a little. It pleased me that I can still do these things. I’m not truly good, but I was good enough that my kids now think I’m cool. Skating is a little like flying on that smooth floor. I loved rounding the corners and feeling the wind on my face. I probably looked a little silly out there trying to dance and skate at the same time, but I don’t care. I had fun and I’ve got the aching muscles and bruises to prove it.

Today I am a jellyfish. I drift quietly in one place until some current of thought provides sufficient impetus for me to move somewhere else. I’ve spent lots of time staring at walls today. I stare at the walls while my brain processes all the things that have occurred in the last week. I have to process them now because I just stuffed all of it in the back of my brain to be dealt with later. “Later” has become now. So I sit and think and realize that I’m hungry. So I drift to the kitchen to eat. Then I sit in front of my empty plate and think until I realize that I want a shower. So I go and take a shower. Then I stand under the spraying water and think until I realize that I should probably wash my hair. You get the idea. None of this thinking is deep or complex. It’s all…drifty.

My kids have loved the fact that I’m sitting still. They happily come and snuggle in my lap and I happily let them. It has been a snugglesome day. I have been so focused and organized for so long it feels nice to just drift.

Tomorrow I’ll be closer to normal I think. But I’m not going to push anything this week. This week I’m going to take things slow. I need it. The kids need it. And I think that important things will still get done. But the most important thing I can be doing this week is unwinding and reconnecting with my kids who spent all last week shunted out of the way so I could get stuff done.

Last night after the party, I collected my children and brought them home to put into bed. Once they were all in bed I collapsed into an emotional heap of exhaustion. I realized that in no way, shape, or form, did I want to be in charge of anything just then. At my request Howard snuggled and talked to me while I gradually drifted to sleep. It was so wonderful to just be warm and safe with someone else laying out sensible plans for the next week.

Today I am still not planning anything. I am drifting through today quietly without steering. We did get to church, but we were late because I could not muster the energy to make everyone hurry. I couldn’t even make myself hurry. After church there was a nap.

Tomorrow I will have to go back to doing things. But I expect that I’ll still not feel any urgency about getting things done. The kids are out of school most of this week and I intend for us all to have a vacation and reconnect. When this weekend is done perhaps the kids will be more emotionally stable. This past week was hard on us all.

And now I’m going to drift up to the kitchen. I think there is some food up there that I might want to eat.