Sandra Tayler

I had my very first visit to a chiropractor last Friday. I went because I had a sudden onset of neck pain and one shoulder being lower than the other. I’m pretty sure I did it to myself with a set of aptly named dumbells. For issues with bone and muscle alignment I believe that the chiropractor is exactly the right person to ask for treatment. Unfortunately every single chiropractor I’ve met or heard about claims to be able to cure all the ills of the human body with proper alignment and sometimes with homeopathy or herbal supplements. I’m leery of taking nutritional advice from a bone and muscle guy. But I had a bone/muscle problem, so I went.

The place I went is essentially a drive thru chiropractor. You walk in, within 5 minutes he’s cracked all the appropriate joints, then he lays you on a mechanical massaging table for 15 minutes. All done. Having my neck cracked was extremely unnerving. According to all the movies I’ve watched when a person has their neck torqued to the side and it goes CRACK, that means the person is now dead. I am not dead, but the back of my brain is convinced that it should have killed me. The neck crack completely solved the neck/shoulder/arm problem I was having. The chiropractor also aligned everything else down my spine. Apparently I’ve been living with one leg shorter than the other. Since that was a longer term tweakage my body was not so happy about the shift. My back has been stiff and sore ever since. The chiropractor warned me that this would be so. The very suspicious part of my brain says that he is smart enough to deliberately disalign my spine and cause me pain to ensure a return visit. A different part of my brain believes the explanation that I’ve grown accustomed to being off balance and the change to balance will hurt. A third part is just griping that I didn’t hurt last week and now I do. I’m still waiting and seeing if the aches and pains will go away. I like the idea of fixing a long term disalignment, but I’m nervous about going back again. I don’t want my neck cracked again. I really don’t.

On the theme of appointments, I took Link to the dentist today. Link has a serious case of shark mouth. Human teeth aren’t supposed to come in rows, but Link’s do because there isn’t enough room in his small jaw for those big grown up teeth. I went to the dentist expecting to be referred to an orthodontist for braces. I also expected to be scolded because Link hasn’t been wearing his dental device (an occlusigude) which is supposed to prevent his teeth from growing in crooked. I think the dentist expected to scold me too, but then he took a look at Link’s mouth. He hmmed. He looked some more. He agreed with me that wearing the occlusiguide would have made the problem worse because the out of place teeth would have been pushed further out of place rather than into place. He looked at Link’s teeth some more. He talked about extracting a few teeth to make more space. He took x-rays. After the x-rays (which showed a veritable pileup of teeth attempting to emerge into the same tiny spots) the dentist brought out a brochure for a company that makes spacing retainers. The theory is that since Link’s jaw is still growing, we can nudge it into growing large enough for his teeth by providing a subtle 24×7 pressure. I agreed that this made sense. The dentist said that this was the most logical next step because he really didn’t want to pull teeth unless it was absolutely necessary. Have I mentioned that I really like this dentist? I forgot that I did because it has been so long since I’ve taken the kids in. But I like that he believes in preventative care rather than teenage braces.

So we made impressions of Link’s teeth. He thought that was pretty cool. Then I made the delightful discovery that we have enough of a credit at the dentist’s office left over from fully insured Novell days, that we didn’t have to pay anything out of pocket for this set of retainers. Now I just need to train Link not to lost them or break them while he is at school.

For 10 years I was a stay at home mom. I was most comfortable with other moms and could talk endlessly about my kids, children in general, and parenting. It was fascinating, stimulating, and invigorating. I was happy and fulfilled. Oh some things were hard. I sometimes felt trapped or housebound. I sometimes longed for sleep or more freedom from infant care. But I felt it was the best my life had ever been.

For the past 9 months I have been a work from home mom. The shift is subtle, but it is sending ripples through my life and changing how I feel about many things. I’m no longer content to sit with other moms and just talk about kids. I also want to talk about them. I want to know what they do when they aren’t being Mom. Perhaps I am seeking validation. Perhaps I just need to know that it is okay for me to want things that aren’t related to parenting. Perhaps I’m wanting to provoke these other moms to stretch in ways that I have recently stretched.

I remember being completely happy as a stay at home mom. I remember when that completely fulfilled me. Now the thought of going back to just parenting makes me feel mildly claustrophobic. This does not mean that I was foolish or deluded or oppressed when my only job was household and child care. This only means that I have changed and that role does not fit me the way that it used to.

This shift in my interests and self perceptions has created something of a social disconnect. Most of the women with whom I share social contacts are stay at home mothers. They are happy and fulfilled taking care of kids, decorating their houses, cooking, cleaning, canning, making crafts. I still do many of those things, but they fit differently. I feel differently about them. And I have these other things about which I care a great deal. My sahm friends will listen as I ramble on about online stores and book mailings, but they don’t understand it. They understand when I ramble about potty training or braces, but not the business stuff. I tend to not ramble about the writing that I do. I’m not sure why I don’t talk about writing.

I just thought of a visual representation of what I am trying to describe. It’s a venn diagram. My personal circle used to completely overlap the circle of the typical sahm. But my circle has shifted sideways. I still do sahm stuff, but I also do these other things. I like that image, because the thought that somehow I’d “grown up” and being a sahm was too small for me feels offensive. Who knows, perhaps in the future I’ll shift back to being a full sahm. Perhaps I’ll shift to something completely new.

I guess the short version of this long ramble is that I’m in a new place and while I like it, it isn’t entirely comfortable.

Processing the second batch of orders for shipping went much more smoothly than the first batch because I already had a system. I’m starting to feel like I know how I’ll manage it all for the huge pre-order shipment. I have yet to attempt to export information from the store to Quickbooks. That would be a nice feature to have working, but I can maintain the manual system I have right now if need be.

We’re now able to accept credit cards which was a complicated process full of hoops to jump through and verifications to be made. Those credit card companies have to decide they trust us. Apparently they do, because we accepted money from people all day long. Now I need to work my way through the lesser bugs and quirks to make sure the store is streamlined. I have a little more than a week to do all of it before the preorder for Blackness Between begins.

Someday we’ll be selling enough schlock books that we can pay someone else to do all the distributing for us. That will be nice.

For now I’ve turned off the light over my shipping center and closed the window with the storefront. I’m not going to do any more business mucking until after I get kids off to school tomorrow. Then I need to have my very first chiropractic visit to untweak my neck which I tweaked yesterday. Also I have to mail all those packages that are sitting in bins waiting to go out.

Until then, sleep.

It should not surprise me that there have been bugs in our new storefront. Fortunately everyone has been most kind in trying to help us sort them all out. Some were critical failures that we believe we have already fixed. Some were urgent issues that were easy to fix. Some were urgent issues that are going to require me to make a customer support phone call. Some are minor glitches that we haven’t even begun to address because we’re still managing urgent issues. In the midst of all this bug eradication I’m also printing invoices and labels then packing books for shipping. In fact I should be packing right now, but I promised myself a brief break.

An interesting observation: The longer it has been since I’ve eaten, the more stressed I feel about all the bugs, glitches, and looming book mailing. I noticed this most clearly at lunch. I bought fast food because I wasn’t capable of enough coherence to figure out that there were other options. As I began eating I was regaling Howard with the litany of bugs that I need to track down and stomp upon. I felt exactly when the energy from my food, carried by my blood, hit my brain. Everything in my head and body relaxed. What had been overwhelming was instantly manageable. This means when I’m in a high stress state I should eat often. Unfortunately when I’m in a high stress state I’m much less likely to remember to eat at all.

Back to book packing with me.

Update on things:

The storefront is open for beta testing. For the next week I get to create a system for using the store to ship books. Hopefully all will go as I have planned. If all goes well, then we’ll be opening pre-orders next week.

I finally made a dental appointment for Link’s crooked teeth. I’m sure I’ll be referred to an orthodontist. Link will probably be wearing braces inside a month. Good thing pre-orders for the next book will be opening soon, we just might have the money to pay for the braces.

The jury is still out on whether Gleek needs to have her tonsils removed. The doctor says he believes having them out would reduce her incidences of croup and possibly improve her sleep. But she sleeps fine when she doesn’t have croup and I’m wondering if the croup might be more related to allergies than to enlarged tonsils. So today I gave her a loratadine and we’ll see how that affects her sleep before going to the pain and expense of having a body part removed.

Today I have parent teacher conferences for all three of my kids who are in school. Between now and then I need to make notes of all the things I want to discuss with the various teachers. Link was nervous about this conference. I managed to pry that information out of him when he got out of bed last night. I also managed to elicit a series of confessions about his in class distraction and behaviors. I assured him that no matter what his teacher told me I would not be mad at him about it, but that there might be some things which need changed. Kiki wants me to use the conference as a chance to intervene on her behalf because she doesn’t like the way this one boy treats her during math. I assured her that if I see a problem I will completely go to bat for her to the extent of putting her into a different school. I then told her how that level of intervention was like using a cannon. I’d use it if I had to, but I was pretty sure that this boy is just a fly and I’d much rather use a fly swatter. What I didn’t say out loud, because Kiki was too upset to hear me correctly, was that I fully intend to hand the fly swatter to Kiki and let her swat her own flies.

On Monday I set up some healthy living rules for myself. Mostly they have to do with getting some exercise daily and not eating treats outside of social events. The goal is for me to lose about 10 lbs. I’m currently heavier than I’ve ever been, except when I was hugely pregnant. If I meet my goals, then I’m allowed to buy myself a new swimsuit come spring. Hopefully that will be sufficiently motivational. Even if I don’t lose any excess fat, I’ll be a happier and more stable person for eating healthy and exercising.

I’m in a revision process for two stories right now. They’re almost ready for readers. The revising is going slowly because I keep using my time and brain space for other things. I also need to finish up the Tayler Family storybook which will contain all the stories the kids wrote this past summer.

I’ve discovered TV episodes on the web. The show Heroes interested me, but we don’t have cable or even broadcast TV so I figured I’d have to wait for DVD. It turns out that each week they post the latest episode in full for people to click on and watch. So I watched it. Several other NBC shows are getting the same treatment. As are some ABC shows. There are still commercials, but not as many, only about 4-6 per episode rather than 20 and the commercials are shorter.

I’ve also had some of my time sucked into the land of Sudoku. It is soothing and satisfying to figure out where all those numbers fit into the boxes. It isn’t productive, but it is restful.

Halloween is coming. I’ve already had a couple of costume requests. Apparently I’ll be sewing again this year. I’d probably better get my office table cleared to make space for it.

Last Sunday the speakers during Sacrament Meeting used Matthew 11:28-30 as the basis for a talk. Then in Gospel Doctrine the teacher referenced the same scripture. Yesterday I was reading the Ensign and the same scripture jumped out at me. Today during General Conference at least two talks quoted the scripture. I think maybe I’m supposed to pay attention to this scripture.

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

My first thought about this scripture is a familiar one. I’ve pondered many times on the two possible definitions for the word “light.” Both fit the scripture because the burden of Christ is not weighty and it fills our lives with brightness. Brightness is not always easy and so could be considered a burden I suppose.

The second thought I have, is to ponder upon what it means to be yoked. When two oxen are yoked together, they can pull a much heavier burden than one ox can pull alone. This is probably why marriage is such a prominent part of the plan of salvation. We yoke ourselves together so that we can pull much more than we would have believed. A good marriage, like a good oxen team, moves in step. Each one knows instinctively what the other is likely to do and so anticipates, to make the pulling easier. There are disadvantages to being yoked. Oxen who are yoked together have much less freedom of moment than a solo ox. All decisions have to be made with reference to how it will affect the other person and the marriage team. If one ox stumbles, the other is pulled off balance and can even be injured by the sudden yank on the yoke. This does not mean that the yoke is bad.

The third thought was actually given by one of the speakers who used this scripture. This scripture particularly talks about being yoked with Christ. Our lives are filled with responsibilities that are heavy. Some of them are too heavy for us to carry alone. Anguish comes when a burden is too heavy to carry, and yet the consequences of abandoning the burden cannot be borne. Raising a child is like that. No matter how hard or painful parenting can be, we cannot abandon the post. But this scripture gives us another option. We do not have to pull alone. Instead we can relinquish a little of what seems like freedom, to take upon us the yoke of Christ. When we do, we find our burdens redistributed in a way that makes them bearable and somehow the lion’s share of the carrying is done by Christ. He gives us peace and rest where we thought none was possible.

Handing a burden to Christ requires faith and trust. Because for him to really bear the burden we must be wearing that yoke and letting him lead us where he wants us to go. Where Christ wants us to go may be very different from the plans we had for ourselves. Being open to the possibility of a different future than the one you had envisioned is very difficult. I know that more than once I have clutched my burdens and groaned under their weight because I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get to choose my own path. I was afraid I would have to give up something I enjoyed or loved. I was afraid that I would have to change. Yet every time I have put on the yoke and followed, I have ended up in a place that was even better than the one I had envisioned. Trust is hard. Faith is hard. It is frightening to walk blindly into a future you cannot see the end of. But every time I have done it my life has grown wider and more beautiful.

Then why is it still so hard to take on that yoke and follow? You’d think I would have learned this by now.

In several iterations this past week Matthew 11:28-30 was paired with Ether 12:27 “My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

Weak things become strong. But before that promise can be fulfilled we must put for the very best effort we have. I’m reminded of the story of the man whose master told him to push against a huge rock. The man pushed every day for a year and then went lamenting to his master that he had failed, the rock had not moved. The master answered that he never wanted the rock moved, he just wanted the man strengthened by the pushing. The man was now strong enough to manage other tasks which would previously have been beyond his capabilities. Muscles become strong when we strain them as hard as we can. We do not realize that they are becoming strong because as our strength increases, so do the challenges. Christ does not instantly provide strength where there was none. Instead we struggle and fight until one day we look back and realize that somehow, somewhere what was once weak became strong.

Ah, but where this connects to the previous scripture is that if we are yoked with Christ we will be working on the right weakness. Sometimes we are focused on the wrong weakness. Many men want to have impressive chest muscles, so they do chest exercises. But as the muscles on the chest grow strong they begin to pull the shoulders forward into a hunched shape. Trying to fix the problem, men do even more chest exercises. But no amount of chest exercise will pull those shoulders back. In order to straighten those shoulders, the back muscles have to be strong. When we wear the yoke of Christ he will lead us to where the problem really lies and teach us what to do. In our ignorance we pull against the yoke and struggle to get to the problem we can see. But if we trust Christ, He will help us to solve the problem that we can not see, the problem we didn’t even know was there.

I’ve been afraid to say anything in a superstitious fear that I might jinx it, but I think I am done with diapers. Patches has been wearing underpants for two days straight now. This wonderful news is courtesy of a small bin of warm water with toys in it. I’d announce potty time, then he’d sit while I filled the bin with warm water. After 10 or 15 minutes of play we were blessed with the magic of pee in the potty. Two hours later we’d repeat this. By this morning Patches had an “Aha!” moment and figured out how to produce the pee without water toys. He likes to fill the potty because I give him m&ms to share. The other kids like this because they get m&ms too. The other factor that made things work this time was that I created a chart to keep track of eating and elimination so that I could watch for patterns. I expected to chart things for a week or more before really pushing to train, but somehow just being focused on the process brought everything else about.

We did another housework scavenger hunt today. It went well. This time the treasure at the end was a movie rental. Link got outvoted on the movie and was a little disgruntled, but responded positively to the suggestion that next week he could work faster to be the first one done and get the tiebreaker vote.

General Conference for our church was today, so I got to listen to 4 hours of church via radio broadcast. I really enjoy General Conference. I get to listen to hopeful/uplifting thoughts while puttering around my house. Today most of my puttering was folding laundry and cracking open walnuts. Many of the speakers had things to say which were very helpful for me to hear. Maybe I’ll write more specifically about that sometime. Or maybe I’ll be like Mary who kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.

…and that was pretty much my whole day.

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of fear.

Trust is not the absence of doubt.

Faith does not banish fear or doubt, it banishes paralysis. Faith gives us the strength to act despite the fear and doubt.

If we are to make it through we must trust. Not blind trust which leads us to deceive ourselves, but considered trust which choses to risk getting hurt because it opens up the possibility of joy.

If we are to make it through we must believe in ourselves and in each other.

If I am to make it through I must put trust and faith in god. I must hand to him my fears and doubts, then trust that he will banish them.

So far the reintroduction of a planner into my life has been an unmitigated success. Last night I actually cooked dinner. For weeks I have been completely unable to plan ahead for meals. Instead I’d arrive at mealtime with no plan and I’d dither around the kitchen trying to decide what to make. I simply did not have enough clear space inside my head to decide what dinner should be. Last night we had spaghetti and I’ve already got a plan for tonight. With all those tasks evicted from my head and captured on paper I can actually THINK. It is wonderful.

Also I focused on potty training Patches this morning. That hasn’t happened for weeks either.

It is 11 am and I already feel like I have had a productive day.

Over the past week or more I’ve been experiencing an accumulation of guilt/negativity/self dislike. This accumulation peaked last night and this morning when it all spilled out in a conversation with Howard. The central theme of my rant was that I’m a bad person because I have this whole list of important things which simply aren’t getting done. Howard, wise man that he is, listened and hugged and nodded. Then when I’d wound down a little he asked: “So is this list written down?”

No. It isn’t. Bits of it are written in random places, but mostly I’ve been trying to task manage in my head. On a great day I can keep track of 10 or 20 objectives for the day in my head. But most days are just ordinary. On ordinary days I can keep track of 4-6 objectives, on bad days I can only track 1or 2 things. Everything below those top objectives completely falls out of my head until I have an external reminder. This means that important tasks get forgotten until they are critical or overdue. The key here is the external reminder. I need to write this stuff down so that I can check the list. In past times I have used a planner for this. Last year when money was so tight I decided not to buy more pages for it. It wasn’t a problem last year because the pace of life around here was much slower. I didn’t have as many variables to keep track of. That is not the case this Fall, and I have been slowly going crazy trying to keep all this stuff in my head.

Today Howard went and bought me pages for my old planner. I sat down and started all the repetitive writing necessary to set up a paper planner. I don’t like having to write “laundry” on every Tuesday and Friday page, but having the word there is an important trigger to make sure that it gets done. As I wrote I kept remembering small tasks that I want to have done. I wrote them all in a list. As the list got longer I felt calmer and calmer inside my head. All those tasks have been floating in the back of my brain yammering at me to do them. I couldn’t let them go or they would never get done. But once I write them, I can really let them go because I can always check the list to find out what they are.

Having a planner will not solve my problems. But it does let me sort them logically. For the first time in days, my head feels clear and I don’t feel paralyzed by the sheer weight of how many things need done.