Sandra Tayler

One of the things I love about Howard is that when I tentatively mention that maybe I should possibly enter one of my stories in a contest… maybe, his instant answer is “You should do that.” When I mumble about maybe putting together a book of short stories, he tells me it is a wonderful idea. When I talk about maybe taking dance classes he thinks I should do it. Howard is fully supportive in all my creative endeavors. The fact that all my stories are unpublished does not diminish Howard’s belief in the value of my creative efforts. He wants me to succeed creatively as much as he wants to succeed himself. I love that.

I also love that we both have our priorities straight. Our family comes first. The needs of the kids and our marriage are primary. Secondary is Schlock Mercenary. The success of Schlock supports our family and opens doorways for other creative work. Neither Howard nor I consider my creative efforts less valuable than his, but his has the better chance for helping us live the life we want to have. For now business concerns are prioritized above creativity.

It is a delacate juggling act to keep it all in balance. I’m glad I have a wonderful partner to help me juggle.

I have returned home with the kidlets and the return was without incident. This is mostly thanks to the marvelous movie Zathura which seems to have unlimited power to hypnotize my children on long trips. Yay for movies in the car!

My next trick will be to sort out the housekeeping, accounting, and gardening which have all been neglected for two weeks while I was stressed over the release of Howard’s book. Two weeks ago today I was in a blithering panic, today I know that we pulled it all off. Now we get to take a deep breath. Then Howard dives into work on book two and I dive into shipping books routinely.

Also upcoming is the last day of school, after which I need to institute a summer schedule for the kids. There must be structure or we will all go crazy with six of us in a chaotic house. There must be order and cleanliness and vacuuming. Regularly. I can picture it so clearly in my head, unfortunately the pictures in my kids heads about how summer should be do not involve vacuums. sigh. I forsee a battle of wills in my future.

As always coming away from a convention my head is aswim with creative ideas. I want to make beautiful clothes to wear to the next convention. I want to write wonderful stories to share. I want to plan panels and convince convention staff to put me on them. Unfortunately all of these things need to be put on hold pending the housekeeping, accounting, and gardening. Regular life is hopelessly mundane sometimes.

I have just returned from Conduit and my head is swimming. I have so many thoughts to sort, so many possiblities for writing. Without a doubt the highlight of the weekend was the people I met. I got to have long conversations about writing with people who love it and who have books in print. James Dashner and Julie Wright were a joy to visit with. I could have spent an entire weekend just talking with them. L. E. Modesitt was a wonderful gentleman who is full of real experience and wisdom. We spent lots of time with Bob Defendi and Dan Willis with whom it is impossible to run out of conversational topics or jokes to laugh about. I got to visit with Newton Ewell and watch him draw the most amazing pictures. There are so many more names I can’t remember them all.

It was a joy to meet these people as peers. I love the fact that Howard’s creativity and diligence has opened doors for me so that I can meet such wonderful people on even ground rather than as a nameless fan. Someday I’ll meet them again and I’ll have MY book. Filled with things that I have written. I spent quite a lot of time at the art show looking to see if anything jumped out at me as potential cover art. Nothing was quite right, but I fell in love with a couple of pieces and I splurged to buy them. They’re going on my office wall just above my computer where I can look at them while I ponder what to write.

Now I am back at home. I need to settle back into regular life. But I don’t want to. I want to savor and sort and treasure. The next con I get to go to will be Life The Universe and Everything at BYU next February. Perhaps I’ll submit something to the short story contest there. I intended to submit to the Conduit contest, but I was too busy with Howard’s book to remember to do it.

Hmm. The scatteredness of this post reflects the scattered nature of my thoughts. Hopefully I’ll be more coherent tomorrow.

This morning was full of trip preparation, because today was my day to drive the kids to my brother’s house. They get to stay there for four days while I attend Conduit with Howard. The three hour drive became four hours due to road construction and a stop for “we will not go any further until there is a compromise that ends the screaming.” The trip included lots of pleas for food, lots of handing things back to Patches who was entertaining himself by dropping them, and lots of inquiries regarding the status of our travel. (Are we there yet?)

We arrived and the kids scattered gleefully to play with their cousins. I visited with my sister-in-law and my brother when he arrived home from work. I only stayed for about 90 minutes because I had to make the trek back to my house and prepare for a convention. I made sure to spend a minute talking to each kid individually before I left and I gave them hugs. Then at my moment of departure I just poked my head into the various locations where they were playing and waved a cheerful goodbye. They all waved cheerfully back and I left. No tears, which I keep assuring myself is a really good thing. Making a big production out of mommy leaving would definitely rank pretty high in the Bad Idea column.

As I drove away from my brother’s house I was very aware of the cavernous emptiness of the van behind me. I habitually count heads in the rearview mirror whenever I’m driving. All I could count were emptinesses. Yup. Still four. In an effort to give my brain a different occupation, I began playing CSI: Interstate. I examined the various splotches and skid marks as I drove past them. Some of them were simple, some complex. All of them bore mute testimony to the fact that someone had a very bad day on that very spot. I also played “identify the carcass,” but mostly I was only able to determine “avian” or “mammal” before I zipped on past. Interstates are not very cheerful places.

I confess that having three uninterrupted hours for thinking was rather nice. I composed most of this journal entry in my head during the drive. It was also a bit lonely. I wished for Howard to talk to. I like taking road trips with Howard. We end up having conversations about the road trip which is our life. Much of our long term planning occurs during road trips. But Howard wasn’t on this trip with me and talking on a cell phone while driving is something I try to limit.

As it got dark I found a new entertainment solution. I stuck in my Les Miserables cd, turned up really loud, and sang along as loud as I could. That was fun. I don’t get to do that if anyone else is in the car. Now I’m home and I’ve got piles of stuff to do before I sleep. Which is normal except that it’s all convention stuff and there are no kids to put to bed.

Howard and I are frequent patrons of our local Blockbuster. Renting movies is a fun way for us to relax together without having to pay a babysitter. Usually Howard is the one who goes to Blockbuster. He’ll browse the rows and chat with me on his cell phone while we try to figure out what he should bring home. But the other night I was the one to go to Blockbuster. I spent a glorious child-free hour browsing through the store. I wrote down the titles of every movie that interested me, so the next time Howard calls me and says “what should I get?” I can answer instead of saying “I don’t know.”

I brought home The Producers and Shall We Dance. Both of these movies feature dancing. I love watching dancing and dancing movies. The one drawback is that they make me want to dance. Which may not be a drawback at all really. I want to be a dancer. I don’t much care about performing or accolades. I want to move like a dancer. I want to be strong and lithe and flexible like a dancer. The only way I can be those things is to train as a dancer. Dance is a celebration of life and the human body. Dance is beautiful. I’d love to be part of that. And regular dancing might help me shave off that little bit of extra roundness that four pregnancies have bestowed.

Apparently I have lots of reasons that I’d love to dance. Unfortunately I know myself. Unless I have some kind of an appointment (like a class) I will prioritize other things above a daily dance session. A class seems to be the way to go, but I worry a little about the added stresses to our family. We already have so many scheduled events. Do I really want to add another one to the calendar? Dance classes cost money. Our finances are worlds better than they were before we released the book, but I’m not sure whether there is enough wiggle room for me to squeeze in a dance class for myself.

The question is mostly moot because most dance classes are on hold for the summer. I’ll be better able to sort my thoughts and answer financial questions in a couple of months anyway. In the meantime I’m hoping to do more stretching and see what kind of a home dance program I can pull together. Maybe Gleek and I can have mommy/daughter dancing sessions. I wonder if there are any how-to books or videos about ballet or modern dance.

Today is our recovery day. Howard and I are both in need of a day of rest. Howard needs it even more than I do because the book release party was half relaxation for me and Howard had to work hard through the whole thing. All the advance preparation and stress was worth it. Once we got our hands on the books everything went smoother than we had any right to hope.

I cannot say enough to express my appreciation for the people who showed up to help. In three days of working, not once were we short handed. We always had more people wanting to help than there was work to do. Not only did people show up to help, but they showed up with good cheer and made the whole experience a joyful one. Howard and I came away completely exhausted, but very very happy. I’m actually looking forward to mailing out the next book so we can do it all again. Only next time we’ll try to make sure we have books enough in advance so that Howard can spread out his work and spend more time relaxing and playing.

Today we rest. Tomorrow we finish the odds and ends of mailing. Then we start gearing up for Conduit next weekend. I’m looking forward to Conduit. The kids will all be at my brother’s house, so it will be just Howard and I for three days. Howard will still be working, and so will I, but we should be able to find a little bit of time for having fun as well.

Life is good.

My office smells like new books and it is the smell of success. 80% of the preordered books are in the mail. All that are left are the sketched editions and a few odds and ends that need special attention for various reasons.

Happy. Tired. Going to sleep now.

I have seen the books and they are beautiful! I have 36 boxes of them stacked in my basement. An additional 23 boxes have made the trek to Dragon’s Keep. Howard will be autographing until his hand falls off and tomorrow we’ll be stuffing books into mailers. The book mailing will continue on Saturday. Sunday will be a day of rest. Then Monday we’ll finish off any mailing there is left to do. There is nothing left for me to fear. All that is left is lots of hard work. I can handle that.

Howard and I spent all morning pretending that we weren’t watching out the front window for a truck full of books to arrive. About 2 pm we finally were able to contact the shipping company and we learned that the books would be arriving in Salt Lake City on Thursday. We won’t be able to get our hands on them until 8 am Friday morning. That was the point at which I had a break down. Howard switched into full problem solving mode and was spinning plans for making things work. It was all I could do not to scream with rage or dissolve into tears.

Sometimes when the winds of stress hit us, we need to be oaks. We need to stand strong so that we can do what needs to be done. The disadvantage is that when oaks snap, they are permanently broken. That is why it is important to sometimes respond to stress as a reed does to a strong wind. The reed bends flat to the ground, but then is able to stand up tall again when the wind stops. To survive the past week I’ve had to employ both strategies.

This afternoon I was flatened to the ground. I felt completely broken. I’ve been trying to hold strong for so long, to carry everything. I felt like a shattered oak. Turns out I was a reed. I was flattened an muddy, but here I am standing up again. Here I am with all the new plans in place. I’m optimistic again and I’m looking forward to tomorrow. We’ll be putting labels on mailers in preparation for books. Then on Friday I’ll spend a physically exhausting day moving books. The book moving will be followed by mailer stuffing. Then Saturday will be the Book Release Party. I’ve finally reached the part where I can be doing things. I hit bottom and I’m headed back up.

Up is good.