Sandra Tayler

I was sitting at my computer reading the news. Mostly I was just passing time until I could put Kiki to bed. Then I’d have all my kids in bed and could watch a movie. I was alerted to the presence of a child by shuffling steps on the stairs to my office. Link was out of bed. Irritated, I turned to look at him. His face radiated concern and he said
“Mom, I have something bugging me in my mind.” Something about his statement, or his expression, alerted me to the fact that I needed to give him my full attention. My face must have showed this realization, because Link stopped hovering doubtfully on the stairs and climbed into my lap. He cuddled into my lap as well as he could. He’s eight now and those arms & legs don’t cuddle as conveniently as they used to. I pondered that as I held him. As I listened I rubbed my face against his buzz-cut hair. It is pleasantly fuzzy and smells of my Link. The dirty version of Link rather than the clean one, but still mine. His hands are so much bigger than they used to be, but they were still much smaller than mine as he played with my fingers while talking. Someday not so far in the future I expect his hands will dwarf mine, but not yet. Today they are still soft child’s hands.

Link was worried about his movie that he plans to make. See he has this plan where he makes a movie and shows it to his whole school. This is the third or fourth time I’ve heard this plan in as many weeks. When I first heard the plan I wondered where on earth it came from and assumed that it would evaporate as so many childhood plans do. My adult judgement tells me that Link’s plan is unlikely, but I don’t like to squelch a dream. Tonight I’ve determined that this dream of Link’s really matters to him and I need to do more than just be passively encouraging. I don’t know that we’ll get his movie shown to his whole school, but I can certainly introduce him to the joys of stop-motion animation. So tomorrow afternoon I need to haul out our old video camera.

Link was also worried about death and life afterward. He does not want to grow up because he doesn’t want anyone to die. I held him close and looked into his big, worried, blue eyes and tried to convey the lesson that we need not fear the future. I believe that life continues after death and I shared that belief with him. We talked about deceased grandparents and how nice it will be to see them someday. Mostly we just talked and I could see Link’s forehead unwrinkle as he was able to unload the thoughts that had been gathering in his head. My answers helped, but mostly he needed to be heard.

Our topic of conversation moved from death into video games back to his movie and then into silence. We moved from my office chair to his bed where I asked if his mind felt calmer now. He answered that there was still one more thing. He was worried for his blankets. He didn’t want them to get ripped up. He told me how he’d prayed to Jesus that his blankets would always be safe and that Jesus had answered that they would be. He prays when I’m not looking and gets the answers he needs. When did my little boy get so big and so smart and so strong? He holds worlds of thoughts in his head and I never know about it until a night like this when his head gets so full it has to spill over. How grateful I am that I did not scowl and order him back to bed as I first planned.

After an animated description of videogames past and future, Link informed me that he still had two more thoughts in his head, but they could wait until tomorrow. I looked once more at his bright face. All the concern was banished now. He grinned at me displaying his mouthfull of missing teeth and adult teeth partially grown in. Those big teeth change the shape of his face. I think his voice has gotten a little deeper as well. His eyes are still bright blue though. He gave me a really big hug. Then as I got up to go he said “Just one more hug mom.” I know that supposedly boys stop wanting to hug their mothers as they grow. This joyful little person who snuggles right up to me may someday be embarassed by me. I’ll be wistful about that. For tonight I’m going to sneak in Link’s room tonight after he’s asleep and give him and extra hug and kiss just because I still can.

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingram in the
1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from
a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe
you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

A Johari window acctually seems like a useful way to get a peek into how I’m percieved by others. A couple of online friends have set up one and it interests me as well.

To contribute to my Johari window go here: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Sandra%20Tayler

To see my Johari window without contributing go here: http://kevan.org/johari?view=Sandra%20Tayler

To get your own Johari window go here: http://kevan.org/johari

On Saturday February 18 there is a Science Fiction and Fantasy symposium at BYU. Howard has been invited as a guest for that day and the two days preceeding. The important thing about Saturday is that at 3 pm Howard and I will have our first chance to give a joint panel. I’m excited about this. I got to be part of a panel at Fandemonium a couple of years ago and it was really fun. I can’t imagine who better to share a panel with than Howard. So over the next week I need to be doing brainstorming over possible topics to discuss. I don’t think we can run out in just an hour. Especially not if we manage to foster a discussion rather than a lecture.

Possible topics:
running a home business
why we quit a high paying job to do cartooning
how we manage a home business with kids underfoot
the creative process for Schlock Mercenary
frugality as a way of life
making ends meet
what makes our marriage work
how we met
division of labor in our family
our 5 and 10 year plans for the future
why we blog

Those are just off the top of my head. Any suggestions for other topics? If you were in that panel with Howard and I, what would you want to hear about?

During church last Sunday I had an epiphany. Like any good epiphany, it was not a single inspiring thought, but rather a mental shift which caused a cascade of new thougts and re-adjustments of old thoughts. The epiphany was this: if I am filling my mind and heart with gratitude for the things I have, then I do not have room for dissatisfaction or fear or any of the other feelings which make me unhappy. The thought itself isn’t brilliant. It is one of those “I should already know this” kinds of thoughts. But the application of this epiphany in my life shifts how I view everything. I’ve been resentful over the possible loss of cartooning when I should be feeling grateful that we got to do it at all.

When Howard quit Novell, we only figured he’d be able to cartoon for a few months before having to get another full time job. Circumstances have conspired to allow full-time cartooning to continue for 18 months so far. At first we were only grateful for each month we could continue. But now I’m greedy. I want it to last forever and I know that our savings are running out. The end of the savings felt like the end of cartooning, the end of everything. Currently cartooning pays about 1/3 of our family’s bills. I do not see how we can triple cartooning income in only 8 more months. Another two years, probably, but not in 8 months. Obviously this situation cannot continue. But so long as my head was full of fear and frustration I was unable to see anything but the looming deadline of “no more money.” It was getting very hard to pinch pennies cheerfully when attaining our goal of cartooning forever seemed futile. This feeling of futility hung over both Howard and I. We’ve lamented time and opportunities now gone. Howard’s work on the book is progressing, but isn’t done yet. Even our best case scenarios on book sales don’t solve the financial problems. I was picturing us running out of savings and Howard having to give up cartooning for a corporate job.

Today gratitude has banished fear. Most people never get the chance to live thier dreams. We’ve had our dream for 18 months now. That is a marvelous gift. Today I feel grateful that we’ve had the chance without feeling fearful that we won’t get to keep it. This clarity of mind and heart meant that when I did bookkeeping this morning I saw the finances differently. Suddenly I see that we don’t need a high paying, high stress corporate job. All we need is a way to bring in that other 2/3 of our monthly bills as we gradually continue to build the cartooning income. A part time job might do it. I’ve no idea what kind of a part time job, but I’m sure that somewhere out there is a job that would work. For the first time in more than a year I can visualize a financially sustainable future.

It seems I have yet another thing to be grateful for.

I do not like conflict. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I do not like feeling powerless. I do not like having to care if someone gets angry at Howard and pledges never to send him money again. I see that “out of savings” deadline coming closer while I scramble every single day to not spend money and push that deadline further away. Howard scrambles every single day to put out a funny comic and to bring more money in. It wounds me deeply to have people who have never met Howard call him nasty names. I live with him. I love him. I see every single day what a wonderful, kind, caring person he is.

Yes I know that being in the public eye means being open to public abuse. That is a given. I just wish the abuse didn’t hurt so much.

Oh, and if anyone uses the comments field in this post to defend their position on why Howard is a horrible person, I WILL delete the post. If you decide never to send him money again, that’s fine. It’s your money. I will not allow Howard abuse in my journal.

I did not have to watch NotMyBaby yesterday or today. This unforseen break from babycare is courtesy of Patches breaking out in an all over body rash. Fortunately I now have almost 11 years worth of experience with rashes on children. This one isn’t alarming, it just appears to be a wierd viral rash which accompanies his cold. He isn’t even acting sick, just a little crankier than usual. Most serious childhood illnesses involve high fevers and a complete lack of playing. I told this to NMB’s mom, but he’s her only baby and she likes to play things safe.

Yesterday I used my free time for clothing inventory. I finished going through all the boxes of clothes that I have waiting for my kids to grow. Now I have a list of exactly what I have waiting for them in various sizes. More importantly, I know what I DON’T have. That becomes my “looking for” list. The clothing inventory is an annual event and takes about an hour per child. In theory I could be using my inventory sheets all year and adding new items as I acquire them. That would save me from the annual inventory event, but I always forget or lose the inventory paper. I’ve also discovered that it is good for me to actually handle all the clothes at least once a year so that I have a feel for the colors, textures, and styles of clothing that are waiting. Little tally marks on the page can’t provide that.

Today not only is NMB absent, but Gleek has preschool. This means it is a perfect morning for me to take Patches and run various errands. I like shopping with Patches. He keeps me company, stays fairly close, and makes amusing observations about the world. He is a good shopping buddy. I like having the individual time with him and I don’t get it very often now that I babysit every weekday morning. I expect today’s conversations will include the words “totally” and “ultra” only he pronounces them “todawwy” and “Uwtwa” they are is favorite words right now. I think he learned them from Link. When Kiki was 2 I knew exactly where she learned every single word in her vocabulary, that is not true for Patches. Patches has so many other sources for input that the best I can do is make guesses if I even bother to wonder at all.

January is now gone. February is only 28 days long. Not much winter left. This makes me very happy.

My week of frantic scrubbing has thus far failed to materialize. Monday slipped away somewhere. Tuesday was spent on regular types of cleaning and laundering. Today I was taken by a fit of organization. I helped Gleek sort through her toys. She had new birthday things which didn’t really have a home yet. Now everything has a place to belong and there was even additional space on her shelves. I’ve instructed her only to get out one thing at a time, I expect her to follow that instruction for about 5 minutes. The good news is that we identified some toys and junk that she was willing to get rid of. Her first plan was to get rid of it all by giving it to her best friend. I convinced her that friends really don’t need old cardboard boxes and scraps of paper. The friend did end up recieving a couple of stuffed animals. Most everything else went into a thrift shop box or into the trash.

It felt so good to sort and get rid of stuff, that I tackled my office next. Most of what my office needed was for me to take the stacks of books and put them back onto the bookshelves where they belong. Of course there were also papers strewn everywhere and toys which wandered in from who knows where. It isn’t done yet, but it is already looking much neater. I’d like to get my office cleaned up enough for me to tackle some of the sewing projects that have been accumulating. Most of them are mending projects, but Kiki has also requested a new church dress and I’d like to be able to accomodate her and create something really beautiful. It all depends on what I have in my stash of fabrics and notions. Last summer I was able to make a wonderful dress for myself for a cost of about $8. I feel warm and fuzzy every time that dress gets complimented.

The cleaning spirit must have been in the air because this evening Kiki spent an hour organizing and sorting through her belongings. She too unloaded a pile of stuff. Unfortunately she unloaded most of it by giving it to Gleek. You know all that space I helped Gleek create? It’s filled. It is filled with little plasic shiny things, and pictures cut out of catalogs, and buttons, and anything else shiny, fuzzy, or pink that you can imagine. The good news is that I can count on Gleek to leave these things lying around where they’ll get broken and then I can get rid of them. Kiki kept everything carefully put away.

Howard is also feeling a need to clear out. He’ll be tackling his office. I think I may be making a run to the thrift store tomorrow to drop stuff off. It will feel really good to get it all out of the house. My storage room actually has floorspace now. If I could find a rug for it the kids could actually do some playing down there. That would be good because in the winter we always need more places for kids to play separately from each other. The frequency of squabbles has been steadily increasing ever since Christmas. My patience with squabbles has been decreasing at the same rate. Yet another reason I long for warmer weather.

Hopefully tomorrow will also see the death of bathroom mildew. I’m starting to be scared at the variety of colors that seem to be available for mildewy growths.

Hmm. If I want to accomplish all of that, I’d better get off to bed.