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Monument Walk Washington D.C.

By / May 23, 2012 / 1 Comment

“Where are you headed next?” the docent asked as we walked back to the rotunda in the National Museum of Art.
“I wanted to walk down to the Lincoln Memorial.” I answered.
Her eyes grew wide. “That’s a long walk. I know it doesn’t look that far, because of all the open space, but it’s about two miles.”
I smiled at her. Two miles was not too far.


The docent was right about distances being deceiving on the Mall in Washington D.C. Much of this is because the architecture is so over sized. The first designers made everything huge and impressive, sized for the cultural giants they hoped that Americans would aspire to become. The buildings can be seen and admired from afar, then as one draws closer awe grows. They go up and up and up.

The walk was long, past museums and sculpture gardens. The sidewalks were full of tour groups and school groups, each rushing about to make sure they saw everything on their lists. For most Americans trips to D.C. are rare, every moment there is precious. I too came with a list of things I hoped to see, but more important to me was to be there, to experience the place. I decided from moment to moment whether to walk, sit, or photograph. It was a unique freedom not to have to consult the wishes of others about these things, my visit was my own.

I saw the World War II memorial long before I reached it. Like everything else, it is made large. So large that it is hard to fit into a single photograph.

I was impressed by the towers and fountains. I saw the from afar that each tower was labelled with the name of a state and that the matched structures on each end declared Atlantic and Pacific. The logic and planning was evident in the design. Then my feet stepped from sidewalk concrete and onto the flagstones.

Awe and reverence rolled over me in a wave, as if the stones themselves were steeped in them. My eyes began to water and I looked about with my mouth open. I was standing on sanctified ground. A hundred photos of the place will never capture that feeling, because the feeling does not exist in the shapes of the stones or the water. It does not even exist in the words etched into the walls at intervals.

Nor is it in the fountains as they shoot skyward.

All of these things contribute, are part of it, but there is something else there. I think that the builders gave it something and every one who visits adds their own piece. The collected awe and gratitude of a hundred thousand visitors are accumulated in that cirque and focused on the memory of those who sacrificed. One can not stand there without wanting to be a better person to live up to those sacrifices.

To be truthful, it was a bit over powering. I walked up the ramp to exit, curious to see if the feeling would leave as abruptly as it came. Stepping off the flagstones was rather like stepping through the down blast of air in an open-front grocery store. Despite the lack of barrier, the feel of things was different. I turned back for one more look, knowing I needed to come again someday.

The reflecting pools were all under construction, and had been for years according to a local. Someday they will reflect again, but years of wear needed to be fixed first. I followed a winding detour which led me to the Vietnam memorial. I was very curious to see if the Vietnam memorial would affect me as strongly as the World War II memorial. It was one I saw twenty years ago when I visited D.C. as a teenager. At that time it affected me profoundly, teaching me name by name the costs of war.

The Vietnam memorial is a quiet place and the feel of it was quiet. It invites reflection by showing us ourselves in the surface of the wall covered in the names of the dead. I ran my fingers along the names, feeling their roughness against the glass-smooth marble. The Vietnam memorial is a cautionary monument, telling me to be careful what battles I pick.

One thing saddened me. When I came as a teenager the most impressive moments were looking at the flowers and notes left for loved ones whose names were etched there.

This recent trip had an even more abundant litter of notes.

But none of the notes were personal. They were all from “The Students of Lincoln Middle School” or “Mrs. Jeffrey’s Fifth Grade.” That seemed sad to me. Our national memory is fading and the meaning of the monument is changing into something new. On the other hand, there is power in asking a child to pick a name on the wall, picture that name as a loved one, and then leave a note.

Once I knew I was coming to D.C. again, I was filled with a need to sit on the steps of the Lincoln memorial. It seemed powerful to my teenaged self, but she was distracted. By the time we reached Lincoln, I’d met a boy on the trip and things were edging into complicated territory. I wanted nothing more to sit there and absorb the feel of the place, but awareness of the boy was like pebbles thrown into a calm pond, changing the shapes of the reflections. Twenty years later, I wondered what my adult self would feel there.

You first spy Lincoln in his massive building as a lighter shadow in the darkness behind the pillars.

The steps are over-sized, forcing one to stretch to ascend to the heights where Lincoln sits enthroned. “Enthroned” is definitely the right word.

The creators of this monument wanted visitors to feel small and humble. This effect was somewhat mitigated by the crowds of visitors. It was hard to take a picture that didn’t have other people in it.

Yet I didn’t mind the other people. We stood together, pondering equality and freedom, all of us equal visitors no matter what our origins, skin color, or ethnicity. I don’t know what Lincoln the man would think of his giant statue and throng of visitors, but Lincoln stopped being a man long ago and is instead an icon. I think the icon would be pleased to see many who came to visit him.

After paying my respects to Mr. Lincoln I sat on the front steps with my back tucked into the curve of a pillar. Much of the walk had been hot, I was tired, but I closed my eyes in the cool breeze and felt peace. This was why I’d come two thousand miles on an airplane and two miles on foot. I came to feel peace, to tuck a small portion of it into my heart so that I could carry it home with me. I sat there for a long time at the end of my pilgrimage.

I watched the other visitors, including the child who managed to sneak a forbidden slide down the slanted marble next to the stairs. Mostly I thought of nothing in particular. Eventually I had to climb down and leave. I had a long walk back to the metro station. I passed the Korean War Memorial, but was too tired to enter. My path led right by the World War II Memorial. I went inside again to see if the feeling would roll over me again. Instead it sneaked in and filled me. I sat for a time near the Pacific fountain.

When I left to trek back to the metro station, I did so knowing that someday I would love to return. Washington D.C. is a place worth knowing.

A Morning of Good News

By / February 20, 2012 / 5 Comments

My sister, Nancy Fulda, has been nominated for a Nebula award. I’m so glad because Nancy works really hard and the nominated story is exceptionally beautiful. I hope that Nancy has a lovely time at the Nebula awards weekend and really wish I could be there with her. However I know she’ll be just fine because that Nebula nominee list is full of amazing people who will welcome her warmly. Besides, I get to have Nancy come to my house later in the summer, so I’ll not feel jealous of a single weekend.

In separate news, my story “The Road Not Taken” is featured today on the Mormon Lit Blitz at Mormonartist.net. One way to really understand a culture is to study the stories they tell to each other. Over the past week and through the end of February, Mormon Artist will be featuring new stories, essays, and poems written by Mormons to a Mormon audience. Feel free to stop by, either to study or to participate in the community. Once all the stories have been posted, there will be voting for a prize. I know the good folks at the Mormon Lit Blitz would love to have as many voting participants as possible. Participation is why they’ve spent so much effort putting this literature blitz together. I am grateful for their hard work.

Weekend Gifts

By / February 19, 2012 / 2 Comments

Went on a walk a week or more ago and took my camera with me. There was a bed full of dried up plants, weedy and broken. When I stepped closer, I saw this.

Add one to the count of small lovely things in the world.

In other news, I spent the weekend hostessing for my brother and his family. With nine children and four adults, most of my days revolved around cooking and cleaning up after cooking. Everyone pitched in to help, but for the most part I handled it. This is fine because sometimes I get to land on my sister in law with all of my kids. It is rather nice to be able to give a break to a pair of stressed parents who don’t often get one.

LTUE Panel notes: Schmoozing 101 / Learning skills for networking, blogging, social media, and self-promotion

By / February 17, 2012 / 11 Comments

In writing up my panel notes for LTUE I become very aware of how much simply can not be conveyed in a text-only medium. This panel was a two-hour interactive lecture run by Mary Robinette Kowal and me. There is real power in a live lecture. It allows a group of people to build a shared context about a topic. A stray comment at the beginning of the panel would be referred to later in a way that would illustrate a point or provoke shared laughter. Trying to capture that would require paragraphs of exposition to describe exactly how tone of voice, facial expression, and body language conveyed a message which is not at all apparent in the words alone. This is particularly true of the segment of lecture where we were discussing body language. Demonstration can show in seconds what description takes a long time to say. All of which illustrates exactly why having in-person meetings with other professionals in your field can be so incredibly valuable. Most of the information here was gleaned from other professionals in conversations both on and offline.

In our presentation Mary and I began by talking about the skills necessary to help these in-person interactions go smoothly. We are both of the opinion that these skills can be learned by anyone at any stage of life. Mary picked up many of them from her mother as a child since her mother worked in a field where schmoozing was necessary. I carefully went out an acquired them when I finally realized that depending upon my husband Howard in all social situations would sometimes leave me floating in deep water without a life preserver. I chose to learn how to make conversation with strangers rather than to stay safe at home. In the second half of the discussion, Mary and I talked about how these same skills translate online and into deliberately self-promotional venues.

Because I can’t properly convey the flow of conversation and story which wrapped around these topics, I’m going to have to resort to a bullet-pointed list. I’ll put in illustrative stories where I can remember them and where I can make them short. I fear this post is doomed to be long. Each section ended with a Q&A session. I don’t have a record of those questions and answers.

Conversations and Introductions

  • Remember that everyone is interesting. More importantly, the person you are talking to is more interesting than you are. Try to make sure that the bulk of a conversation is focused on other people, their interests, their work, etc. The sneaky truth about this is that people love to talk about their interests, which means conversing with you will make them happy and will make them believe you to be interesting. It is perfectly acceptable to try to steer a discussion of the other person’s interests into an area where you can also be interested. IE: If the person you are talking about loves cars and you love design, steer the conversation into the aesthetic design of cars.
  • Have some standard conversation openers. Asking someone where they are from can be too personal, asking them where they arrived from opens up a conversation about travel. If you’re at a shared event like a convention, ask them about panels they’ve seen. Ask them what they’ve been working on lately. Complement an article of clothing such as a watch or jacket. Many of these things have stories attached. As the conversation continues, pay attention to small details which can be used to redirect a conversation or to fill a lull. IE: The person says they got their bracelet in New Mexico, you can jump back to that to mention that you’ve also been to New Mexico and found the weather there stunningly hot, but the landscape gorgeous. And the conversation can continue from there.
  • Rehearsed stories. Just as there are standard conversation openers, there are some fairly standard questions you can expect to be asked. Know what you answers are going to be ahead of time. In particular, be prepared to answer the question “what have you be working on.” (I’ll admit to a massive fail here. I arrived at LTUE, was asked that question and completely blanked on what to say.) It is okay to even prepare an amusing anecdote, just be aware that you may not get to deliver it if the conversation goes a different way. Also be aware that because the same questions get asked over and over, you may find yourself in the uncomfortable situation of not knowing if you’ve already told this story to this group of people.
  • Provide context. It is a great kindness to others if you manage to include in the first few sentences of conversation where you’ve met before and when. “Hi Mary, it is good to see you. I haven’t seen you since Worldcon last August when we talked about wombats.” This provides enough memory tags for Mary to locate the memory of you. Alternately, if Mary does not remember you, it provides enough information for the two of you to have a lovely conversation anyway.
  • Have a change of topic prepared. If you’ve been talking about your own work, be ready to change the topic off of yourself. This is where that attention to the bracelet purchased in New Mexico gives you a chance to redirect the conversation. Being prepared to change the subject means that you are ready to come to the rescue should something awkward happen.
  • Performing introductions. When introducing two people you know, it is a kindness to them to include, along with their names, two pieces of information which either provide context or potential points of common interest.
  • Tag Teaming. Having a wing-man at professional events is incredibly helpful. You can introduce each other, speak glowingly of each other’s work (thus dodging the “don’t talk too much about yourself” stricture), and help each other escape should a social escape become necessary.
  • Promote the work of others. It gives you wonderful topics of conversation. It is a gift to those whose work you’re promoting. It makes you classy.
  • Be yourself. It may take you a while to figure out who “yourself” is in a professional setting, that is okay. The key is to find your own way of relating rather than believing you have to do things the way someone else does.
  • The conversational dismount. This is a close relative to having a change of subject prepared. Be ready to close a conversation and walk away. If the other person does not want the conversation to end, they will ask a question, make a comment, or otherwise extend the conversation. It is better to leave them wanting more. This is particularly true of agents and editors with whom you hope to someday work. Some good dismounts: “It was lovely seeing you, I hope we run into each other again.” “Thank you for your time, I enjoyed talking with you.”

Body Language

This is the section that suffers most from translation to text. Mary used her puppeteer training to explain and demonstrate. I’ll just give some generalized information.

  • Aggressive movement. This is any movement toward something. It can include turning to face something. It indicates engagement or interest.
  • Regressive movement. This is any movement away. It indicates that the person wants to detach or distance.
  • There is also open posture, which indicates engagement and closed posture which indicates disengagement.

The key here is to pay attention to the body expressions of the people you are talking to. If you see regressive movements or closed posture, dismount the conversation gracefully. It may have nothing at all to do with you or with what you were saying. They may have an appointment, need to go to the bathroom, or just feel tired. By walking away you indicated respect and that person will be quite willing to talk to you again at some other time.

This section included a lot of discussion and demonstration about how to enter a conversation, what to do about those who lurk physically, and solutions to the invasion of personal space. It is okay to lie if someone breaks the social compact. If you’ve indicated both by body motion and by conversational dismount phrases that you’re ready to be done talking, but the other person still is not letting go, then make something up and exit. “I’m sorry. I have an appointment.”

Personal Presentation and Basic Marketing

  • Dress for the job you want. This includes both your actual dress and grooming and your web presence. If you want to be a full-time writer then your personal presentation both online and in person should indicate that you are professional. This does not exclude quirkiness and individuality. Some writers dress in costumes, have pink hair, or wear Hawaiian shirts. Just be aware of the impression you are giving. You do not want to seem clueless or unreliable.
  • Express confidence and remember the wonder. When conversation does turn to a point where you are describing your own work, make sure you talk about it with enthusiasm. This is hard. Very often writers will offer up their work as if it is a dead mouse, or something else embarrassing. “I have a story in Asimov’s, but it isn’t very good. I made a mistake in the math.” Stop and remember how you felt writing the story. Think of the cool central idea. Then create a rehearsed conversational statement about that. “I have a story in Asimov’s! It is about living rainbows.” Sharing your excitement and enthusiasm allows your listeners to feel sympathy and interest. It is hard for someone else to be interested in something which you are treating as embarrassing.
  • Tailor your message to your audience. Agents have different interests than readers. For both you’re hoping to convince them to read your work. The agent wants indications of solid writing and marketability. A reader you’ll wants to know what kind of a reading experience they’ll have. An editor wants to know all the twists and turns. A reader doesn’t want spoilers.
  • Repeat your marketing. People need to see something three times before they remember it. They need to see it seven times before they’ll buy. This is true both when you have a physical object to sell, or just if you want to be remembered by your dream agent. So if you’re at an event and want to leave with an agent or editor remembering you, you’re better served by three brief conversations than a single long one. (From a marketing perspective, it would make much more sense for me to break this giant post into a dozen small ones. It would probably be easier for readers to absorb information and it would keep them coming back to my site. I’ve decided not to do that because I want to clear my mind for other things.)
  • Give out useful information. This goes along with praising the work of others and making sure not to talk about yourself too much. It is also particularly true online. When you give out useful information, people link to you. Mary wrote an excellent post about this exact topic. In fact it was the post from which we drew lots of the topics discussed during the presentation. Linked from that post are all of Mary’s Debut Author lessons, which are also worth a read. (I know that after reading 1800 words of panel notes you totally wanted MORE reading, but there you go. Enough to keep you busy for quite a while.)
  • It is okay to have multiple motivations. When attending a conference and meeting people, or joining a forum online, it is okay if part of your motivation for doing so is to promote your work. This is actually expected. The key is to make sure that it is not your only motivation. You should also expect other people to have multiple motivations for wanting to talk with you.

Socializing online.

  • Know the community. There are dozens of social media sites out there and they all have their hidden rules and social norms. Posting ten times in an hour is expected on twitter, it is annoying in facebook or Google+. Each community has its strengths and weaknesses. Each has a different appeal. Use the ones which feel comfortable to you, skip the ones that don’t. Give popular social media a fair shot before deciding they are not useful to you. Twitter seemed ridiculous at first glance and has turned out to be a social media powerhouse.
  • Share wisely. When you share things with your social media streams be sure to put something of yourself into the things you send. Make sure that your social media stream does not turn into noise for the people reading it. You can not fascinate everyone. People will follow and unfollow, don’t take it personally.

All of the social skills discussed in the first three sections can be applied online. The conversations are just virtual instead of in person. As a fun exercise you can pick a skill and pick a venue on the internet and then think how the two relate to each other.

Running a Promotional Push

We reached this topic with a mere ten minutes left to our two hours. It is a topic large enough to be a class all by itself. Perhaps I’ll write up a blog post devoted specifically to it, but not today. Instead I’ll just reiterate what I told the class:

The most important thing you can know about promoting your work is to alternate periods of push with lulls. Link your push to an event, a sale, an award season. Send out your message 3-7 times in 3-7 ways, then give it a rest. The rest is critical. It means that you do not turn into noise for everyone around you. More important it gives you space to relax, write more things, and rediscover your life balance.

With that, our time was up and Mary had to dash away for a reading. I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed being a part of this class. The audience was great. As a result of Mary’s knowledge, and audience questions, I learned a lot. Which brings up a last point I want to make to those who feel overwhelmed by everything above.

We’re all still learning. Even people who have been schmoozing for decades are still learning and adapting. You don’t have to get everything right all at once. Just pick one or two things to practice until they become as natural as walking. Then you can work on something else. Bit by bit we are all becoming who we want to be.

LTUE Panel Notes: Little Stories Everywhere / Blogging

By / February 15, 2012 / 8 Comments

There were five of us on this panel:
Shelly Brown of Writing With Shelly and Chad was our lovely moderator
Peggy Eddleman of Will Write for Cookies
Jenni James of Author Jenni James
Jessica Harmon of Writing Legends
and me.

Shelly opened the panel for audience questions right away. This approach made most of the panel a question and answer session. It meant that we were able to focus our discussion on topics of immediate interest to the audience. I’ll admit that I did not do as good a job taking notes during this panel. I’m afraid I was a little afflicted by a “one of these things is not like the others” feeling. In the end that may have strengthened the panel because it is important to have a counterpoint opinion. I have to remind myself that though my approach to blogging is different, this does not make it inherently better or worse. I choose the path that is suited to me. I guess it comes down to a question of genre. Blogging is a form of writing, not a genre. My blog tends to be long and thinky. Jessica’s blog is story and geek focused. Shelly, Jenni, and Peggy all write blogs that are upbeat, short, and extremely social. They interacted with other blogs and with their audience far more than I tend to do. There benefits to each style of blogging. In fact Jenni runs multiple blogs to address different parts of what she does.

The first question was how to find an audience. Shelly, Peggy, and Jenni all spoke of the benefits of doing blog hops. Peggy runs them fairly regularly and says they are a great way to get visitors. They also suggested seeking out blogs similar to the one you write and commenting on those blogs. This may prompt reciprocal visits and comments. I agree that this can be a good way to get started. Reading other blogs helps you figure out what you want to be. Commenting and receiving comments can help you build a writing community for yourself. This is also valuable. However what is really necessary to gain readers is to create links between your blog and other places. I’ve never spent much energy deliberately trying to grow the audience of my blog. This means that the readership grows very slowly. This is fine because I’ve never used readership to measure the value of my blogging.

Another urgency that new bloggers feel is getting comments. This only came up tangentially during the panel. There was some direct discussion about keeping things light, positive, and short. Jenni told how her funny stories about kids will always get piles of comments, but that any time she writes longer or more serious topics there is less response. My thinking on comments has shifted in the last six months. I’ve read lots of advice on how to engage readers and encourage them to comment. There are specific techniques that bloggers can apply which will cause readers to engage and leave a comment. Sometimes I use them. For the most part I find the words to express what I meant and am happy if those words inspire a comment. However I know it is possible for my words to be incredibly valuable without inspiring a blog comment. Just yesterday I read a blog post that moved me to tears. I excerpted a section to put in my journal, yet I did not leave a comment on the blog. Just as the value of a blog is not measured in readership, the value of a post can not be measured in comments.

Jessica supported this by pointing out that for every person who comments there are lots of lurkers who say nothing. But they are still there, reading and enjoying.

However, the picture is vastly different if the primary purpose of a blog is to provide a marketing platform for something else. Jenni’s blog is an excellent example of this. She enjoys blogging because of the interactions with readers. She uses it to draw readers to her books. Then her books draw readers to her blog. Other authors, such as Brandon Sanderson, use their blogs primarily as news feeds to update people about what they’re working on or where they are traveling. One of the ladies, I think it was Peggy, told how she was talking to a marketing director in a publishing house. When an author’s book is under consideration all the people at the meeting will flip open their laptops and google the author. They look for readership, followers, friends, and what they find will affect the purchasing decision for that book. This assertion was backed up for me in a completely different panel when Mary Robinette Kowal underlined the absolute necessity of some sort of web presence, though Mary pointed out that it doesn’t have to be a blog.

One thing that all the women on the panel agreed about is that we all feel boring sometimes. It is a miracle of the human brain that we can get bored with anything. The truth is that everyone is interesting because we are all different. Don’t be afraid to keep a blog because you think you have nothing to say. The practice of blogging can teach you what you have to say. Blogging gave writing back to me after I had lost track of it.

Another thing we were all agreed upon is how much we enjoy blogging. Each of us has her own reasons and rewards.

I wish I’d kept better notes of the questions that were asked and answered. If you were there, feel free to leave a comment to remind me. (Look at me deliberately engaging with an audience. Let’s all talk about blogging together.)

Panel Notes: Collaborating With A Family Member

By / February 13, 2012 / 4 Comments

I was already familiar with my co-panelists for this discussion. Michaelbrent Collings is an author with many projects both completed and in the works. Karen and Kevin Evans write together crafting stories for the Grantville Gazette. The panel had no declared moderator, so by mutual assent I was place in charge. This was fine. I enjoy moderating. The panel was tuned to discussing the particular difficulties that attend collaborating with a family member, but most of the information is applicable to any collaborative partnership. I wish you all could have been there. These notes are a mere skeleton of the useful information that was imparted. I don’t remember all the stories or how one thought connected to the next. It was a really good discussion.

We began the panel by compiling a quick list of the benefits and difficulties that attend a collaboration with a family member.

Benefits:
Additional eyes – most creative works involve some level of collaboration. When an editor reviews a work and makes suggestions, that is collaboration. Collaboration is necessary because no one set of eyes can detect everything. Alternate points of view strengthen a creative work.

Spending time with someone you like: Michaelbrent spoke eloquently about how much he enjoys collaborating with his father. Karen and Kevin spoke in the same strain. Creating something together can really strengthen a relationship.

Continuous creative conversation: This is a benefit that I definitely see every day. Howard and I have a dozen conversations a day where we talk about the various projects we have in process. We will never run out of things to talk about because we’ll never run out of projects.

Filling in the weaknesses: Karen is a writer who loves characterization. Kevin is a writer who loves plotting. So when Kevin is working on a story he’ll put in a note “Karen writes character stuff here.” Then Karen fills in those gaps. It works the other way as well with Karen writing “Kevin fixes plot.” Together they are able to finish projects, submit them, and succeed. Separately they were far less successful.

Difficulties:
Differences in timing and writing speeds: Sometimes Michaelbrent is really excited about a project, but his father’s schedule is too full. Other times a project is top priority for one collaborator, but not for the other. It can get really frustrating when one partner has to wait on the other.

Spillage: Project stress and conflict can spill over into the family relationship. Creative projects inevitably create both conflict and stress. The more passionately the creators feel about the project, the more true this becomes. It can take a careful touch to keep the collaborative relationship separated from the familial relationship.

Melding Multiple processes: Howard and I have different approaches to similar tasks. This was evidenced while getting ready for LTUE. My way of packing and planning left Howard feeling like everything was disorganized. The opposite also happens. It takes time, patience, and constant communication for the partners to figure out how to work together. We each have to take turns letting go of control and trusting our collaborative partner.

Criticism and Ego: A necessary part of collaboration is telling each other when part of the project is not working right. It can be quite difficult to do this so that only the project is under discussion and not the person who created. A solid knowledge of each other is necessary to be able to criticize constructively rather than destructively.

Jealousy: This one was not mentioned during the panel, but I think it belongs here. Equal contributors are not always given equal recognition. Even without recognition it is possible for one creator to feel jealous or resentful about the path that the project is taking. Careful attention is necessary to the emotional needs of your collaboration partner.

In the next part of the panel we focused on practical and structural ways to make a collaboration work healthily.

Michaelbrent started out this section by saying that if you’re approached by a family member who wants to collaborate and you have a sinking feeling about the project, don’t do it. You should never collaborate with someone if you feel like they can not help you produce a quality project. You must be excited to work with the person. I countered this idea by suggesting that it is critical to know your goal. If the goal is a high-quality sale-able project, then Michaelbrent is absolutely correct. If the goal is to spend time with grandpa, then a very different standard applies. Then the success of the project is measured by time spent. Someone else, I’m not sure who, gave the additional suggestion that it is critical for both collaborative partners to share the same goal in relationship to the project. If one is trying to write a story for the kids and the other wants to create a slick best-selling middle grade novel, then conflict is inevitable.

Additional practical advice:
Agree upon a method of working: Michaelbrent and his father wrote a book by alternating chapters. Karen and Kevin take turns doing the drafting and revision. Howard and I make up new work processes as the project demands. We actually had some stress over our current board game project because the process had to run differently from our usual book projects. We sorted it out and onward we went. The particular method of collaboration does not matter much, so long as it satisfies both partners and it smooths out the difficulties between them. Don’t be afraid to stop a project and adjust the process if necessary.

Avoid cross communication: I can say the exact same words to three different people and have them taken in very different ways. Even the same person can take my words differently depending on time of day, what other conversations we’ve had recently, or if they’re hungry. In a collaboration, especially with a deadline looming, miscommunication happens. Extra effort is necessary to prevent as much as possible.

Listen to your collaborator as a professional: No matter what other relationship you may have, you need to be able to respect them and their creative input. If you can’t, then this is not a person with whom you should collaborate. To accomplish this it is very helpful to picture the various roles you take on as hats that you wear. Sometimes I function as Howard’s business manager, art director, wife, accountant, or graphic designer. There are times where I will speak to all of those roles in the space of a very short conversation. But because we have the roles defined it is easier to see that when the artist is frustrated with his art director it does not mean that Howard and Sandra are angry with each other as husband and wife.

We could have kept talking for a very long time, but the room was scheduled for another panel. I asked everyone to finish up by giving one quick note of caution and then telling a story about something wonderful which happened as a result of collaboration.

Cautions:
Michaelbrent made the point that it is critical to have creative projects that you are not doing together. There are natural emotional ups and downs attendant to any creative project. Those can be tempered if each partner has other projects in different stages.

Karen reminded us all that relationships always matter more than projects. Never get so involved with creative projects that your life disappears.

Kevin pointed out that most things are not actually life or death situations. Slowing down or missing an opportunity is not the end of the world. Other opportunities will come, and they may even be better for you because they arrive at a time when you can accept them gracefully instead of in a mad scramble.

My caution was to trust wisely. When a collaboration with a family member goes bad, it goes horribly bad. This is particularly true when there is money involved. It is a good idea to sit down at the beginning of a project to outline general responsibilities and benefits. Michaelbrent, who has been a contract lawyer, pointed out that anything written on paper and signed is a contract. He also said that complicated contracts are actually less useful than simple ones because all they do is carefully define loopholes.

The happy stories:
When Karen was a little girl she stood in a bookstore and put her finger between two books on the shelf and knew that when she wrote a book, that is where her book would be. Now she has a book and she credits her collaboration with Kevin for giving that to her.

The best way to get to know someone is to work with them on a project. Michaelbrent is endlessly grateful for the opportunities that he has had to work with both his father and his wife.

I was so busy moderating that I didn’t really have time to think through what my happy thought was until it was my chance to speak. So I started semi-at-random talking about the amazing people I’ve had the chance to meet as a result of Schlock Mercenary. Just as I wrapped up the thought, I glanced down at the table in front of me where several of our books sat and I realized that I’d just said the wrong thing.

So I stopped myself and said “But that isn’t the best part.” I held up the books and said “These are dreams made real. They could not exist without the collaboration that Howard and I share.” The moment I finished the words, I realized I was wrong again. Because the books are nice, wonderful even, but they pale in comparison to something else.

I put the books down and said “But that isn’t the best part either. The best part is standing in my kitchen with Howard and talking, swapping out hats as we talk about things and make plans for the day. It is how we collaborate on business, family, parenting, and everything else.”

That is definitely the best part, even though I’m still not sure that I’ve said it right.

Why I Don’t Respond on Facebook Anymore

By / December 29, 2011 / 3 Comments

I am not the typical facebook user. From the day of my registration I considered facebook to be a public space. This means that I accept friend requests from anyone who does not trigger my spammer detector. That policy has gathered me some real friends whom I would not otherwise have met. Unfortunately the continual changes Facebook keeps making result in the site being less and less useful to me. I enjoy reading the things that people are intentionally posting about their lives and their thoughts. Instead my stream is full of things my friends read, updates any time someone friends another person, updates on games played, and comments that one of my friends made to someone I have never met. These sorts of updates would actually help me feel connected if I were only trying to keep in touch with 20-50 people I’ve met in real life. That’s not how I want to use facebook. Unfortunately every time I figure out how to filter my facebook stream, facebook changes again.

I still use facebook. I skim through my news stream once per day or so, but I miss a lot. Often I miss things that I would really like to know about while being bombarded with things about which I don’t care. Many times I see happy news, or sad news, and I would like to respond briefly with congratulations or sympathies. I do want to use facebook for me to connect with people. Unfortunately facebook wants to use my response to connect my friends with advertisments. Some of the people with whom I am facebook friends are very private people. They are extremely selective about who they let see information online. If I respond to a private person’s birth announcement, then that response is broadcast to all the writers, fans, and business contacts that I’ve also friended. Broadcasting a private announcement in this way would be extremely discourteous of me, even if I do it by accident. I know there is a setting to prevent this. I’ve toggled that setting. However facebook will change again and they may untoggle or change the way that settings are interpreted. The only way I can protect the privacy of my friends is not to answer them on facebook. This makes me sad. Because I’d dearly love to have these little conversational interactions which are the online equivalent of bumping into someone at the grocery store.

For the big things, with close friends, I use other means (like email) to respond to their announcements. For the little things, I just have to smile or sympathize silently. I do make good use of the facebook Thumbs Up button. It is a tiny way for me to cheer without also broadcasting that I’ve done so. Facebook still is useful to me, but I am always aware that to facebook I am a commodity, not a customer.

Flat Tires and Gratitude

By / November 30, 2011 / 2 Comments

I suppose I could blame the flat tire on the way home from picking up my kids at school. That certainly derailed everything which came after. I had to call a neighbor to retrieve the kids so they wouldn’t be late for an after school activity and I when my van limped into the high school lot for a parent teacher conference we were rolling on one of those tiny spare tires. Yet the flat came late in the day and by that time I’d already failed to accomplish most of the things on my list. The flat merely prevented me from plowing through the list in the late afternoon.

So the list for tomorrow is long. I intend to hit it hard first thing in the morning. For this evening I shall be grateful that the local average time from beginning to change a flat and the arrival of volunteer help is less than 10 minutes. I’ll also be grateful for kind neighbors who show up at my door with treats which I can serve as a bedtime snack. While I’m at it, I’ll be glad that my kids consider canned chili and tortilla chips to be an excellent dinner choice. I’ll top all that with gratitude that the tire was brand new and under warranty, so that when they discovered that the tire had rolled along too flat and the interior side walls were broken, the replacement was free under warranty.

Life is good and there is a stack of boxes in my family room filled with signed calendars. We got that much done in the morning. By Saturday afternoon it will all be done.

I’ll Think About Christmas Later

By / November 22, 2011 / 1 Comment

Last year I was in charge of our church Christmas party. This was a dinner for 300 people with decorations and a program. I had a committee whose help was invaluable, but I did not spread out the work nearly as much as I should have. The party was declared a success by all those who attended. I’m glad they told me, because I was far too frazzled to be able to tell if any of it was working. This year I’ve been assigned to order and prepare 120 lbs of ham to be served as the main course. (This is 14 whole hams.) In comparison to last year, this sounds easy. Oh I’ll still be part of the set up and clean up crew. I’ll still be busy all day long on the day of the party (Dec 10). I suspect that my skills and knowledge will be thoroughly tapped to help resolve crises. An event this size always has a crisis of some kind, no matter how well the committee plans. Already we are all glad for the notes I took last year. I wish I’d taken more. I’m going to be quite tired when the party is done, but there is a chance that I’ll actually be able to experience some of the party rather than running it the entire time.

It would seem that this Christmas season will be easier than the last, but life doesn’t tend to lower the difficulty rating. If the party were all, that would be easy. However I’m also the Scout advancement chair and I’ve been informed that we will be holding a Scout court of honor three days before the Christmas party (Dec 7). It is my job to do all the reports and paperwork in advance of this event. It is also my job to organize a Board of Review for the scouts who are advancing (On Dec 4). These arrangements are not all that difficult, in theory. I’ve never done them before and experience tells me that any job I’ve never done before will present me with unforeseen complications. Naturally I’m feeling a little stressed about it because part of my brain is trying to foresee those complications and prevent them. Only to foresee the unforeseeable is a bit of a paradox. Whee.

This is not all. One day prior to the Boards of Review which are mine to arrange, we’ll be hosting a shipping party to send out the calendars (Dec 3). That day will be completely consumed by the shipping of packages. We’ll be hosting this event in our house since Dragon’s Keep is unavailable on Saturday. This will require a smaller volunteer crew, longer hours, and a complete cleaning of my house in advance of the event. The two days prior to the shipping event (Dec 1 & 2) will be consumed by printing postage and the aforementioned housecleaning. The days prior to that will be focused on helping Howard do all the necessary sketching. Monday November 28 will be the day that Janci and I sort all the invoices, figure out what sorts of boxes we need and then place the order. Before that I need to go into the store reports and make sure I have enough dice sets, Emperor Bundles, and magnet sets assembled. If not, then we’ll be using our Thanksgiving weekend to make more. I’ve run lots of shipping events. It is routine, more or less. Of course each one presents it’s very own unforeseen challenges. (See earlier note on the unforeseen.)

On top of all of that, we’re cooking pies and rolls for Thanksgiving dinner, one son needs a hair cut, three children need new pants, the leaves need to be raked, there are non-calendar orders to be shipped daily, three pallets of books need to be relocated from our garage to the storage unit, the kids are going to want to put up the Christmas tree, and I want to put up the shelving in the garage so that the food storage can be moved out of my office.

When I line it up, all of it fits. In theory. If I’m working at top efficiency. But if I seem flaky or distracted in the next three weeks, now you know why.

Things Which Help Me Be Happy

By / November 7, 2011 / 1 Comment

Based on the experimental evidence from the last month there are some things I need to make a more regular part of my life to increase my happiness.

Spend more time with people who are glad to see me. This past weekend I got to see several people whom I like very much, but whom I have not seen in a long time. Each of them lit up and faced me with a smile to greet me. Spending hours talking over everything small and large was truly enjoyable, but that instantaneous glad-to-see-you reaction was an instant mood lifter. I could hear it in the voice of a friend I talked to on the phone as well. It made the self doubting voices scatter and find somewhere else to be.

Seek out more new things. Going to Antelope Island was marvelous. Going to the art museum with Kiki gave my brain all sorts of new thoughts to think. Even the trip to the dump was interesting and sparked new trains of thought. New experiences engage my brain and feed my creativity.

Teach more often. I’ve taught some art lessons in kids’ classes as part of a volunteer program. Preparing was fun, teaching was fun, and I walked out feeling energized. A local conference has invited me to teach next spring. My brain has been happily percolating plans to make those classes the best ever. I love teaching. I love the moment when I look out at the audience and can tell that my words have been interesting or useful.

Embrace my organizational talents. I plan and organize almost reflexively. Even when something is clearly not my responsibility or not my problem some part of my brain will latch onto it and think through how it could be solved or done better. This is valuable and essential in our business. Yet somehow I wanted to discount this gift. I wanted to be appreciated for my creative efforts not my administration. But pulling organization out of chaos is a huge creative act. When I see my organization as creative it becomes a soul-filling activity rather than a draining one.

Save money to fund dreams, not just fend off bills. I’m not really sure how I forgot this one. I used to do it all the time. In our early marriage every spare bit of money was put away so that some day we could afford for Howard to quit his corporate job. Then that dream arrived and all the money went toward making sure we could keep it. We have kept it, but I lost the habit of stashing money into savings. This meant that when an unexpected expense came finding the money to cover it required juggling and stress. Three months ago I decided I wanted to fund a family trip next summer. I started stashing money away for it. Last month I raided that stash completely dry to pay a medical bill and was grateful that dreaming had preserved funds which otherwise would have disappeared somewhere less important. Today I stashed away money for that trip again. I honestly don’t know if we’ll get to take the trip, but saving for it makes me happy. Having a financial buffer to pull from makes me happy. Either way I am less stressed. Saving money is a good thing.

Snuggle and hug the kids. I sometimes forget the power of touch. When I hug my children regularly fights are less frequent and less severe. Snuggling little kids is instinctive, it is easy to fall out of the habit when they get bigger, particularly when they are bigger than me. I can’t snuggle my teens, but I can pat a shoulder as I walk by. I can hug them before bed. I can remember to focus my attention on them when they need something. All of these things remind me that being with my kids is fun, not just a series of challenges which need to be tackled.

I’m not going to try to organize a systematic plan to fit all of these things into my life. Instead I’ve written them on a page in my River Song journal. Since I’m thumbing through that book at least a couple of times per week, I’ll keep running across the list. Bit by bit I’ll absorb and internalize these thoughts. Then they will naturally express themselves in my actions. I’m also watching to see what other things I’ve missed observing that make me happy. It is like a scavenger hunt where I compile the list as I go.