Family

Thanksgiving

By / November 22, 2012

The elapsed time from when we gathered to pray over the food and when the first child asked to be excused from the table was about fifteen minutes. I momentarily considered denying the petition and requiring more family togetherness, trying to stretch out the Thanksgiving meal. Except I could see that two other children were also nearly done eating and I didn’t really see the point. Four hours of preparation, fifteen minutes of eating time. If the time spent eating is the focal point of the holiday, then I could easily feel frustrated or like the holiday was not all it should be. Except Thanksgiving is not just the part where everyone sits down and eats. Thanksgiving is the kids squabbling in the back yard because I sent three of them outside to bag leaves, but two of them are more interested in playing parachute with the garbage bags. It is the dance Howard and I do around each other as I’m preparing rolls and he’s making mashed potatoes. We trade off counter space, spatulas, and measuring utensils, taking turns at the sink. Then we flow easily into making stuffing and chicken preparation. Thanksgiving is me organizing the linen closet because it has been out of control for months and somehow neat stacks of linen make me feel ready to decorate for Christmas. Thanksgiving is requiring the kids to clean up their stuff so that the front room is ready to host our Christmas tree. Thanksgiving is bright sunlight and cool air which we draw through the kitchen with a fan because the oven has been on all morning. Thanksgiving is me sitting in the kitchen with the dirty plates and left overs while the voices of the kids playing games float from downstairs. The whole day is the holiday, not just the part where we eat food.

Part of me wants to photograph everything from the scattering of half full glasses on the table to the dirty dishes in the sink. Today my eyes find beauty in all all of it. These things tell me stories about family and togetherness. Unfortunately the photographs would just show dirty dishes in a chipped porcelain sink. I can not preserve Thanksgiving. I have to let it go so that we can move onward to what comes next. In this case the very next thing is kitchen clean up. Tomorrow we’ll haul Christmas out of storage and arrange it all over the house.

Living With Writers

By / November 20, 2012

I was sitting at the kitchen table reading a book when one of our house guests wandered up stairs. I didn’t pay much attention, because we’ve reached the point in their stay when they know how to fend for themselves in my kitchen and I no longer feel obliged to jump up and play hostess. After a few minutes I became aware that he had looked in multiple cupboards but had not selected any food items.
“Are you looking for something in particular?” I asked.
He looked up at me, or at least his eyes did, it took a moment longer for his brain to arrived from whence it had gone.
“Yes, but not in the real world.”
“Ah.” I said and went back to my book.

I’m not sure why wandering around and looking at things unlocks scenes and dialog in the writer brain, but I’ve been around enough writers to know that most of them do it. The symptoms are remarkably similar. The writer moves about looking at things, usually at a somewhat ambling pace. Body motion is not the point, and has to be conducted in such a way that one will not collide with obstacles while the brain is elsewhere. The ambling or cupboard opening will continue until suddenly the writer’s head lifts up and all the casual motion disappears. Movements become extremely purposeful as the writer seeks out pencil and paper or computer. The writer has found the piece they need and hurries to catch it lest it vanish. I do not recommend attempting to communicate with the writer while they are wandering, answers are likely to be somewhat tangential to whatever you want to discuss. If you attempt to communicate after the idea has struck, but before it is pinned down, you’ll likely get a hostile response.

I’m not immune to these writer quirks. Just yesterday I wandered outside. I didn’t even realize I was trying to work on a writing problem. I just thought I was bored. So I walked in my garden, looking at the wet leaves under my feet. I noticed the flower beds I intended to weed before cold weather hit, but then didn’t. I looked at the bare branches of my trees and pondered the pruning that needs to be done in spring. I paced up to the top of our little hill and wondered what I should do next with my day. Before I had time to answer that question, my back brain took a critique comment and the text of my picture book, combined them and the exact words I needed floated to the front of my brain. I headed straight for the house to write them down. I’m afraid I was a bit short with the telemarketer who called the house just as I put my fingers to the keyboard.

It is nice to live with people who understand this process, who will not attempt to talk to the wandering writer and who will get out of the way when the words strike. We don’t always get it right, but practice has taught me the body language to look for when Howard is working on plot. The kids have all learned it too. I’m always amused when I see the same behaviors from the kids when they are trying to sort the thoughts in their heads. Our household patterns probably look very strange to outsiders.

Rounding the Corner into Thanksgiving week

By / November 19, 2012

There is nothing like sitting in a church meeting next to a friend of a different faith to make me thoroughly aware of all the oddities and eddies of culture which surround the doctrines of my faith. I loved hearing the questions they had, because it prompted me to re-examine and think about customs which had become invisible to me. I also loved the comparative religion discussions which followed. For the most part our conversations have stayed in the realm of general faith and culture without delving into doctrinal comparisons, but even these conversations have me noticing how the doctrines of my faith drive the culture of my church and my house. This is as it should be. The things we believe should shape every facet of our lives. I think about that when I’m contemplating the atonement or eternal life after death. These things are huge and important, yet I still run around as if the world will end unless I answer emails promptly. Perspective readjustment is one of the reasons I attend church every week.

Our friends will leave in just two more days. Then our house will feel empty with just six of us here. The way these friends just folded right into our household routines has been lovely. Also they cook really yummy food. I’m a little bit sad that they won’t be here for the actual Thanksgiving feast, because I’m sure that would be amazing. As it is, we’ll probably do a repeat of the year when each family member picked a dish to prepare. I’m looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to having vacationy days as well.

Bright Holidays in the Dark Season

By / November 17, 2012

It was dark when I came up the stairs at 5:30 pm. My office has no windows, so if I work in the afternoon, I don’t notice the fading daylight. I just emerge and discover the world to be already dark. It makes me understand why extra lights are such a feature of the holiday season. We’re trying to chase away the darkness with holiday cheer. Or maybe that is just me. This is the time of year when I light candles and watch the melting wax. Last year I even made some candles. We try not to break out the holiday music until after Thanksgiving, but that holiday is only five days from now. Somehow the march of days has carried me all the way to the end of November. We’ve entered the dark, housebound portion of the year. Part of me wants to jump forward to when there is more daylight. Part of me wants to slow down because time is slipping away quickly. Part of me wants to dash ahead to embrace the coming changes. Part of me wants to huddle right here where they haven’t happened yet.

I’ve begun to accumulate things which will be wrapped for Christmas. At this time of year I have to figure out how I’m going to manage (or not manage) the holiday. During the financially lean years of 2004-2006 I did all the planning and shopping. I carefully balanced everything and had it all done before Thanksgiving. Last year I was too stressed and busy to do much advance planning, and the holiday happened anyway. This year I appear to have some brain space to spare for holiday planning, but I think that perhaps I shouldn’t. Christmas needs to be a community project, not mine to arrange and manage. Also, the spaces I have in my schedule need to be filled with more writing, not more elaborate holiday preparations.

Lessons Learned from a Hard Day

By / November 15, 2012

It is not the best of days when five out of six Taylers end up yelling, crying, or both. We weren’t even mad or sad at each other, rather family members carried it with them when the returned to the house, and then there was the odd pocket of grief tripped over at an unexpected moment. Stress from one of Kiki’s school classes required tears and sorting. Link needed to hear some sharp words about meeting the efforts of others half way instead of expecting people to spend effort trying to understand him where he is. Gleek was wound up with frantic emotions fed by insecurities and manifesting alternately in rowdiness or anger. Howard and I did not manage all of this without losing our patience. Yet for all the emotional turmoil that yesterday spilled everywhere, it was a good day. It was not a fun day. I don’t ever want to have it again. But at the end of it we all emerged in different emotional places. Those of us who weathered the emotional storms emerged with new insights into ourselves and each other. Hard can be good, even if it is no fun at all.

Lessons learned:
Sometimes struggling through a hard thing is what we need because the experience of struggling teaches things that we can not learn otherwise.

If we want understanding, we have to extend it.

When someone goes into a litany of how they are ugly, untalented, horrible, unfashionable, etc. no amount of argument will change their opinion. Sometimes the best thing to say is “I love you anyway.”

There are things we don’t realize we want until we are sad that the opportunity for them is passed.

Friends make the world better.

Today was something of an aftermath day. When emotions spill all over the place it takes time to pick up and move onward. Extra sleep, good food, friends, and laughter put things to rights again.

Projects in the Tayler Household

By / November 14, 2012

There are six people in our house. We are all people with goals and projects. As a family we have to adjust and support each other in succeeding at these projects, it often turns into a huge juggling act. As a demonstration I’m going to list the current projects in process.

Personal Growth: One of the primary purposes of our family is to create a safe space where the family members can learn how to be better and kinder human beings. All of us are going through developmental stages (stages do not stop in adulthood.) All of us have lessons to learn and we all have a responsibility to try to help and support family members who are struggling.

Schlock Mercenary: This is a project that has no completion date. In order to support Schlock we all have to make sure that Howard has time and space to script, pencil, and ink at least a week of comics during each week that passes. Sometimes this means that Howard gets excused from household chores and the rest of us have to pick up the slack.

Kiki’s College preparations: Kiki will graduate from high school in the spring. This is the year for her to decide what comes next. Thus far she has picked a college, been accepted to it, and gotten her first small scholarship. We still need to arrange for housing, start helping her accumulate the household and art items she’ll need, apply for lots more funding, and ride the emotional arcs of launching into adulthood.

Link’s Eagle Scout push: Link has been involved in scouting since he was eleven. Mostly he has been coasting along doing whatever his troop decided on. Then he slowed to a stand still, no longer content to just follow. Several weeks ago he pulled out his scouting binder and realized he was four merit badges away from being able to begin an Eagle Scout application. He’ll earn the last of those badges today. Up ahead: big service project and lots of paperwork.

Gleek’s Choirs: Gleek joined her school choir last September. Since then, she has developed a love for her choir teacher and for singing in general. To support her in this, there are extra trips to the school for her practices. We also attend her concerts. She was recently invited to join a holiday children’s choir. Again there is a time commitment for practices and performances.

Howard’s prose writing: Writing prose is something Howard has wanted to do for a long time. We’ve been trying to make space for it and this year we finally have. Howard wrote the story in Space Eldrich and is currently one third of the way through another project that is under contract. This writing eats up time that could be spent on Schlock work or family, but it helps Howard build the secondary career that he has been wanting. Also it makes him happy.

Body Politic: This is the next Schlock book. In order to get it ready for print I have to do the layout work. Howard needs to write and draw a bonus story, create margin art, and draw cover art.

Sandra’s novel: I’m working on a novel. It has a loose outline, some characters, some themes, and a beginning. In theory I’m working on it a little every day.

Kiki’s art: Kiki has an AP art class for which she creates an art piece every single week. On top of that she sketches to push her skills. She’s also nearly ready to begin taking paid commission work. Freelance artist is what she wants to be, and we’re trying to help her build the foundations of that business.

Household maintenance: Houses need tending. Some of it is routine clutter removal and surface cleaning. But our house is in need of some renewal and renovation. We all try to pitch in and get the work done.

Howard’s miniatures: Painting miniatures is Howard’s hobby, the thing he does just because he enjoys it. We make time and space for him to do this.

Strength of Wild Horses: This is my next picture book project. It is drafted. I’ve got commentary on it that I need to dig into and revise the text. After that I need to lay ground work to kickstart the project.

The family photo books: These are books full of photos, artwork, and stories which take place during each calendar year. The book for 2011 is nearly complete. Work on the 2012 book will follow immediately.

One Cobble at a Time: This blog definitely counts as an ongoing project. The time which I spend on blog entries could be spent on other things. There is the additional project each year when I take all the entries from the prior year and have them bound into book form. I also intend to create a second Cobblestones book out of essays I wrote in 2012.

Patch’s book report: He has one every month. They’re usually very specific and detailed in their requirements. This month he has to read non-fiction books about animals then create a booklet full of information on those animals.

Gleek’s book report and homework: The homework load for Gleek is significant, but she is just tracking it and getting it all done. The one item for which she needs help is creating a stuffed turkey. The book report information will be on his tail feathers.

Christmas and Thanksgiving: The creation of a holiday celebration is always a project. All the family members have to collaborate on decorating, cooking, selecting gifts, and celebrating. It requires patience and cooperation to pull off.

Holiday shipping: The pace of sales through our online store has already picked up. That will only increase in the next few weeks. Processing orders and filling packages takes time which could be spent on other things.

The 2013 calendar: Pre-orders are under way. Soon we’ll be swapping over into shipping mode. This is when the entire family room is reorganized into a shipping center. The kids help with the work and do not complain about the disruption in their usual routines.

I think that’s it. Certainly the list is already long enough to fracture the attention of anyone who needs to track it. Like me. Many of these projects will reach completion in December. Then January can bring new projects.

Edited November 14, 2012 (one day later): This morning Link said “So when are we going to get my driver’s learning permit?” So, add Teach Link to Drive to the family project list.

Patterns and Shoes

By / November 7, 2012 / 1 Comment

“Here Link. These are the shoes we got last time.” I pointed to the box with grey and blue tennis shoes. Link was in need of new ones and he’d told me he liked the last pair.
“No. Those are different.” Link said.
“They’re exactly the kind you had before.” I said, looking at the price tag.
“They have a different pattern on them.” Link said. Then he pointed to a pair four boxes over. “These ones are exactly like the ones I have.”
I glanced from one box to the other not seeing differences, then down at Link’s feet where the old pair were in use. It took me a moment to see the slight difference in decorative pattern.

When I examine the shoes, differences are obvious. But I have to be paying attention. Link turned in the store and started pointing.
“There’s a pair like my old ones. And that one. This is the new pattern, and that one and that one.” Often we were standing three to five feet away from the shoes he was pointing out. “Huh. That’s interesting. The old pattern is only in sizes eight to nine. The new pattern is everywhere.”
I looked at the wall of shoes and boxes on either side of the narrow aisle. In less than thirty seconds Link had identified a dozen pairs of shoes by their patterns and noticed a larger pattern in the distribution of the shoes.
I pointed this out to him and made a joke about his “Pattern recognizing brain.” Link smiled, pleased to have an newly discovered super power. We got him the shoes he needed in the new pattern.

Busy Days

By / November 6, 2012

Gleek was romping. She was giggling and playing with her brother and when I required him to do his homework, she attempted (unsuccessfully) to coax our cat into romping with her. The trouble was that I was burned out. I’d spent all afternoon running around, making extra trips for kids, fulfilling promises that I’d made to them and to myself. There was still a long list of promises still unfulfilled. These were things that I was disappointed with myself for not getting around to doing. As much as I did today, I felt scattered, like I’d not used the time well. I needed quiet and space to sort my thoughts, to turn over the accomplishments and non-accomplishments and make peace with the day’s choices. Instead there was romping. I’m afraid I was not particularly patient with it. Somewhere around the fifth or thirteenth command to Gleek that she find a book and read, my fatigue tipped over into grouchy.

Now it is quiet. The younger two had their snacks and are reading in bed. In a minute I’ll have to begin the lights out arguments. There will be new negotiations and possibly I will have to find the energy to listen while a child sorts feelings out loud. I hope not. Not today. I’m not sure I have the emotional energy to find my therapist hat, let alone wear it for the necessary length of time to listen. But I will if it is needed. That has been the theme of the past four days, doing the things that are needed.

Somewhere in the last week I switched over from a holding pattern into one which is full of projects. I can tell that we’ve hit November because sales have picked up in the store. They did so even before we opened pre-orders on the 2013 Schlock calendar. I also got working on layout for the 2011 family photo book and for The Body Politic. Both are progressing nicely. Further layout work awaits after those are done: the 2012 photo book, my 2012 One Cobble book, and Cobblestones 2012. And I’m trying to write every day. All of which is why I picked this week to begin requiring chores of the kids again, because the clutter is closing in on us and it is time to attack it.

Tomorrow will bring a scout troop meeting in my back yard around my fire pit. Link will be leading this meeting. At this point I think he is kind of looking forward to it. He’s prepped notes to read from. He has brochures of places to suggest as High Adventure camp destinations. He’s even put together a flyer of possible stops for the trip. On Sunday leading this meeting seemed completely impossible to him. Tomorrow he’s just going to do it and probably won’t even be particularly nervous about it. He’s grown by doing this. Yet supporting him and helping him has eaten up a significant portion of three afternoons for me, not because I did things for him, but because Link needed a spotter while he learned how to prepare these things for himself. I will be quite glad when the meeting is over and we can move onward to the next challenge. Which is probably helping Gleek design and sew a stuffed turkey for a book report.

Kiki came home from the convention yesterday and spent some time talking to me about all the excitement, fun, and hard things. She is quite tired today. I am extremely impressed that her fatigue has not turned her into a puddle of despair. I don’t know whether the increased emotional stamina is a result of additional maturity or the fact that she’s getting regular exercise. Whatever the reason, I’m glad of it. I’m glad for her sake and because listening while someone sorts thoughts is far more enjoyable than scraping up a puddle of human despair and making it better. She’s picked her college. She’s been accepted to it. Now we move forward with seeking scholarships and other forms of funding.

Gleek has done her homework in the afternoon for the last two days. She’s been quite delighted to be able to announce “All my homework is already done!” when I declare homework time: hence the romping. She’s also got to choirs which are performing holiday concerts, so music is a big theme lately. I think she may also be teaching herself how to recognize pitches by hearing them, because she’s been playing with a pitch pipe she found in our music cabinet. At her fall choir performance there was a girl her age who played the harp with a high level of competence. I listened to the beautiful music and felt glad that my children have been generalists in their childhood. They sample lots of things and only begin to focus as they hit their teens. Gleek might be one who continues to generalize through her teen years, not picking a single thing, but instead doing half a dozen things in rotation. If she does, then at twenty she will be discouraged when the kids who picked a single thing hit professional levels while she has not. But watch out for her at thirty when she is professional in all of her dozen things.

Patch is enjoying the space at the beginning of each month when the project deadlines are all far away. He’s managing all his homework without complaint, and planning ahead for things like book reports. I’m still doing lots of reminding with him, but I don’t have to argue to get the work done. This is what makes the current academic program possible, the fact that my kids are thriving on the work. They don’t always love the work, but it is not actually difficult for them to do. The one weak spot for both kids is fluency with reading aloud. The solution is for me to require them to read out loud to me, and somehow I’ve yet to figure out how to work that into the day.

And so we continue onward, each with our own sets of tasks and challenges. The quiet of bedtime reading has now slid into the quiet of kids asleep. I should go to bed too. Tomorrow will be another busy day.

Penny Wars

By / November 5, 2012 / 2 Comments

This is the week of Penny Wars at the elementary school. Each class gets a jar in the main hallway of the school. Students add pennies and bills to their class jar to accumulate points. Silver coins are added to opposing class jars, because silver coins are “bombs” and count as negative points. When all is done, the money will be donated to a local charity. This whole thing is Very Important because the class with the most points wins donuts.

Gleek came to me this morning and asked for permission to raid the change jar on top of the fridge for pennies. I was reading email at the time, so I said yes without thinking much about it. Then it occurred to me, I have two kids in the school. If Gleek took all the pennies, the Patch would be sad and I’d need to scrounge up more pennies for him. I came upstairs and saw two bags of coins on the kitchen table. Gleek had carefully counted out the pennies into equal shares for herself and Patch. As far as I’m concerned my kids get donuts whether or not their classes win.

Sunday Afternoon Parenting

By / November 4, 2012

It is, naturally, the day after a teacher compliments Gleek on her much improved behavior at church that Gleek has a melt down. However it is a measure of great progress that the “melt down” would barely measure on a scale which we used in days of yore. On the way home from church Gleek’s tale of woe spilled forth. It had far more to do with not wanting to grow up than anything else, which makes me wonder what arguments were aimed at her in the effort to get her to comply. Or maybe today was just the day for Gleek to stare oncoming teenagerhood in the face and be afraid of it.

Because one emotional upheaval is insufficient for Sunday afternoon, Link had to face down his communications merit badge. He’s recently decided that he does want to become an Eagle Scout and that he wants to do it before he is sixteen. I find this a worthy goal, mostly because I’m so glad to see him picking any goal and heading for it. Link needs some focus right now. Except there is this one requirement where Link has to lead a meeting, and that felt impossible to him, which meant that he felt like he had to give up the whole goal. I could see his despair and I knew that it would not go away. He really wants this. So we talked and I made some calls. And I arranged for the meeting to take place this Wednesday in our back yard, on home turf. Beyond that I can’t, and shouldn’t, make this any easier. I can’t give Link this triumph. All I can do for him is insist that he attempt it rather than giving up without trying. He may fail miserably come Wednesday and I have to let him. I much prefer that my children learn lessons about succeeding over hard things, but lessons from failure can be hugely important.

I’m very impressed with my kids just now. It seems like they are all soaring. Yes they’re periodically crashing into emotional messes because they feel like it is all impossible, but then they get up and fly again. Link can not see how his communication skills are improving by leaps and bounds on an almost daily basis. Gleek is afraid of growing up because she’s already mid-process. Every day she’s taking responsibility for her own work and actions. According to Howard Kiki has totally rocked her first full convention experience. She sold some artwork and may have some commissions lined up. Patch had been taking schedule changes in stride instead of getting upset when things do not work out how he expects. I’m sure we will again find ourselves lost in the woods, wondering which way to go in order to help a child. For now the paths are clear and we’ve got some good gliding straightaways ahead.