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I’ve spent all day making my spaces be different. Now, at 10:30 I can say that they’re more organized, but for most of the day it was moving things around into different piles. Howard came into my office at one point and I asked if he could tell I’d been working on it. He said that yes he could tell that the piles were far more organized than they had been before. The goal in my office is to remove clutter, hang art on the walls, and remove the ugly utility shelving. That last will be the hardest part because I’ll have to find new homes for everything that is currently being stored on the there.

My gardening efforts were more immediately rewarding. Ninety minutes with clippers trimmed back the grape vines and re-shaped our bonsai-ish tree by our front window. Gleek helped me with the gardening work because she has a plan and needs funds to make it happen. The plan is a chicken plan, where she gets to have a little flock of chickens. Howard and I don’t really have an interest in tending chickens, but if Gleek is devoted enough to the idea to fund it herself, then we’ll gladly give over some yard space to a chicken coop. I suspect she’ll actually follow through with this plan, because any time she has a chance to play with neighbor’s chickens, she loves them. And they like her back. She is a chicken whisperer who manages to coax unruly chickens into sitting in her lap and letting her pet them. It is going to take Gleek a while to save up enough money, so no chickens this summer. Which is fine. I have many things to do that aren’t managing a flock of chickens.

I’m not certain why today turned into a day of doing all the things. Hopefully I can continue to re-arrange things over the next week. For today I’m tired and sore.

This is not being a great week for focused attention. We can start with the fact that it is Spring Break, so Gleek and Patch are out of school. This means that the sound of games begin around 10am instead of around 3pm. The sound of games isn’t really a problem all by itself. The real trouble is that the kids come find me to ask questions or tell me things. often to answer I have to stop what I’m doing and go do something else for a bit. Then I have to try to remember what I was doing. About the time I’ve gotten rolling, another kid needs a thing.

On top of kids in the house, this week we’re finalizing the cover for Force Multiplication. We’ve gotten to the stage where I tweak something and send to Howard, then he tweaks and sends back to me. The turn around time is pretty fast. Yesterday I went through file versions A-G. Today I’m already on version C. When it is all done, I’ll probably put together a gif slideshow of all the cover tweaks. It is fascinating to see how the design morphs over time. But I can’t post it until we have a final version.

If seen some wonderful online pranks, things that made me happy at their existence. The annual roll-out of ridiculous merchandise on Think Geek is a good example. I go there to see and laugh, but I am not tricked. I have dear friends who love the online pranking. In general I don’t. It raises my ambient level of anxiety because every single thing I look at, I have to think “Is this real?” And then there are the pranks that punch me right in the anxiety triggers.

For example, this morning Gmail added a button called “mic drop” where if you sent an email using it, an animated gif was added to your message and all responses to that email chain would be automatically archived. The trouble is that the button was right next to the send button, and I could picture myself accidentally clicking it and losing track of important business communications. Other Gmail customers reacted as I did, and the button was deactivated shortly after I saw it.

I spent some time yesterday thinking about how some people don’t ride chemically induced waves of mood on a daily basis. At least I think they don’t. I’ve heard rumors. That is not my lived experience. My daily existence involves management of stresses, and close attention paid to when people are over stimulated. And then there are days like yesterday where everything is fine when I wake up, but things go emotionally sideways, not because of events, but because of weirdness inside my head. I wonder if I would enjoy April Fools Day more if I didn’t have to manage the psychology in my household quite so much.

For now, I’m just going to look at this photo of a flower I took this morning. I may do photo a day again this April. I enjoyed that last year.

It always takes a few days for me to sort myself out post-convention. I would dearly love to just spring back to work, but energy and sleep debts must be paid. The good news is that as of today, I appear to be paid in full. I plowed through some work on Force Multiplication, bringing it closer to print ready. I wanted to work more on Planet Mercenary, perhaps I’ll find a spurt of energy later this evening.

…and apparently I did because it is now later in the evening and I got some more work done. We only have 14 more margin art spaces to fill in Force Multiplication. That and creating textures for the cover. Then we’ll be ready to test print. So close.

I had to take some time to play homework warden this afternoon. Gleek had an overdue essay to complete. Patch had to face the dire assignment of drawing a still life. This actually is pretty dire to him. It punches his anxiety buttons, because his brain screams at him that he’ll get it wrong and that will be his ultimate doom. But we can’t excuse him from all of life’s hard things on account of anxiety, so I’m giving him space to wrestle with this a bit. Hopefully he’ll be able to make himself get started tomorrow.

Some days are just ordinary. Perhaps I’ll have thoughtful things to post on a different day.

All the passengers are fine, my car is not.

My car will be fine again in about two weeks.

I am grateful for auto insurance and the relatively low deductible we have on collisions.

I’m really glad that the other car was barely scratched, so the young woman driving it doesn’t have to deal with repairs the way I do.

I’m also glad that the smash was the result of a ten second miscalculation rather than a stupid driving decision. It falls firmly into the category “these things happen” rather than being a regret.

I’m pleased that when I called to tell Howard I would be late I remembered to lead with “I’m fine, Patch is fine. I had a car accident.” That was putting the most critical information first.

I wish I’d done a better job of collecting and handing out information in the moment. We got the critical pieces, contact info, insurance, etc. But when my insurance company asked for make and model of the other car, the best I could say was “Something jeep-ish? It was blue.” Not a moment that made me feel intelligent. I was aware that I wasn’t thinking entirely clearly, and I tried to counteract it by going slow and talking through the steps. I’ve had a lot of hindsight thoughts since. Though interestingly they’re all about the aftermath and not about the accident itself.

Smash occurred Thursday night. I spent a significant portion of today arranging for repairs and settling my own emotions. I really didn’t want my car smashed. I’m sad every time I look at it. At first I was afraid that I’d totaled the car. I pictured myself having to shop for a new one, but having to buy one used because the insurance only covers replacement of current state, not new value. And my mind raced on to think about the fact that we’re still paying off the car and I didn’t know what sort of financial impact that would have on our year. And I spent quite a lot of emotion on not wanting a different car. I like this one.

But Howard looked at the car and pointed out that it looks awful, but really it is only the hood that is terrible. The engine is fine. The car still drives. The impact wasn’t even hard enough to deploy airbags, which feels strange considering the mess it made of my car’s hood. And looking at the picture I feel a bit sheepish about my anxiety. While the damage definitely has to be fixed, it is no where near as bad as my emotions claim it is.

I’m very tired today. Some of that is because I didn’t sleep well last night. Most of the not sleeping well was because my brain was rehearsing how things need to go from here and how I could do better next time. Emotional processing takes time.

I used Howard’s car for errands today. I was cautious in driving, but more aware of how normal driving feels than I was nervous. Though my brain keeps making up stories about me wrecking his car too. Which would be far worse, because his car has been with us for over a decade and has a name.
Maybe mine should get a name out of this. It certainly took good care of me, absorbing the damage so Patch and I were fine.

As you can probably tell, my thoughts are still a bit scattered. I’m hoping that a better night’s sleep tonight will help me reset.

The project push continues and I’m afraid it doesn’t leave much time for thoughtful posts. We’re hoping to send a book or two off to print by April 1st. The Planet Mercenary book is going to take longer, but getting the other two done would be a huge pressure off.

On the other hand, I’m enjoying the creative focus. I’m spending my hours making things. More than that, I’m able to see clearly that these projects simply wouldn’t happen without my effort. For a long time Schlock Mercenary was Howard’s thing and I assisted. Between me writing a bonus story for Force Multiplication and all the work I do on Planet Mercenary, I’ve finally managed to convince the self-effacing part of my brain that it is my thing as well. It is true that my other writing projects are currently shunted aside, but that isn’t me giving up my things to be a support to someone else. It is me putting aside that project so that I can create this one. They’re all my projects. It is nice to be able to see that.

Among the other things this week, I’ve gone outside and pulled last year’s detritus out of the front flower beds. I know that if I clear the beds now, I will have a prettier front garden for the rest of the summer and that is good for my soul. It is demoralizing if I feel gardening guilt every time I see the front of my house. It is also good for me to step away from the creative work and let my mind wander while my hands are busy.

Current status of all the things:
We’ve turned in the PM cards. The tuckbox to go with them will be turned in first thing tomorrow.

I’ve been pounding on the Vessels section of the PM book and outlining how the Game Chief section needs to go.

The bank keeps coming up with papers for us to go sign, but theoretically the refinance is done.

I just got our finished taxes back from the accountant, and while we do have to pay out money, it is a sum that I can comfortably cover. Looks like I mathed right when I was making estimated payments and spending down cash last December.

Tomorrow Link goes in to take his final two tests, after which he’ll be done with high school a full two and a half months earlier than his peers. Now we can figure out what comes next.

I’m back to having a homework meeting with Patch every afternoon right after school. This is not my favorite, but I think it is the best means for me to hold him accountable for the work he should be doing.

Kiki is home this week for spring break. It is lovely to have her here. Yesterday I helped her do her taxes and today we went and filed paperwork for her passport.

None of these things stop for each other. I just have to keep switching and make sure that I take time to rest in between.

Last week was lovely, focused, hopeful. This week has been one of important intentions gone awry, fractured concentration, and far too many interruptions. Yesterday in particular was difficult because one of my kids amped up into an anxiety state on Wednesday afternoon and thus needed lots of interactive support all day on Thursday. This was not conducive to creative focus. Which means that I hit this morning with far less done than I wanted.

Add in the Schlock Mercenary site move, which was necessary because of aging architecture and behind-the-scenes support issues. Predictably, a site as complex and non-standard as the Schlock site doesn’t work entirely smoothly out of the gate. This was expected. As was the deluge of email from people who have excellent suggestions for fixes, provide useful technical details about problems, have feature requests, or object to changes that we’ve made. I’m not able to answer it all, though I’m reading it all and making sure relevant info is communicated. I simply don’t have time to explain all of the design and architecture decisions that went into the site our designer made. Also, sadly, experience has taught me that even if I did explain the decisions, all that would accomplish would be to arm people who want to convince me that the decisions were wrong and we should do it differently. Or put it back the way it was. I know change is hard, particularly if it lands in a place that has been a comfort zone. So mostly I listen and sympathize quietly to the people who email with their emotions about the new site design. Though sometimes I confess I’m too tired for much sympathy, particularly if the person is nasty about how they express their feelings.

Today I don’t get many work hours. I’m going to spend most of the day driving to fetch Kiki home for her spring break. I’m very much looking forward to having her here. I’ll get back just in time for our weekly Planet Mercenary meeting. Then my evening will be spent at a junior high concert. The rehearsal for this event was part of the whole anxiety meltdown yesterday. Which means I have some anxiety about how the concert will go. I’ve already done the scene where I sit in an audience and watch my child have an anxiety attack on stage mid-performance. I don’t really want a repeat.

There were good things this week. A pair of birthdays went smoothly. A kid passed a major test, only two more to go, and they are in his areas of competence. I got to visit with a friend and laugh with her through a Galavant marathon. When I checked my PO Box I discovered several kind letters that people had sent to me during the February Month of Letters. (Note to self: check the PO box more often.)

I intended this to be a week of creative focus. It turned out differently. Time for me to take a deep breath and move forward.

I sorted my thoughts in church today, which is a thing I do most every week. This particular Sunday I had more than the usual quantity of thoughts to sort. I found myself making notes on my to do list and rambling thoughts into my paper journal. Many thoughts to sort is a normal consequence of the type of week I just had, one where I pushed myself hard to get things done. The week was full of twelve to fourteen hour work days, yet even as I was tired and brain fried, there was joy in the work. The vast majority of those hours were creative. I wrote words, I moved words, I built structure. There was a portion of my brain which marveled at what I can accomplish when I clear away distractions and dig into the work. This weekend had only a little work in it. I let my work brain rest, because I recognize that the pace I kept last week will burn me out over the long haul.

A week ago I had despair and anxiety. Today I find myself in a place of hope. The projects are still behind, but I can see how to readjust the deadlines, and I can see that we’ll be able to meet the new ones, if we can continue to focus on the work as I have this past week. Being able to focus is looking hopeful too, because many of the kid things have been settling out. Link had a triumph this past week that has him bouncing around the house happy. He’s been inviting friends over. He’s planning a future and taking control of it. Today I ran my finger over my Tomorrowland Pin and realized that somewhere in the past months we’ve moved out of a dark place and into a bright one. Patch still struggles sometimes, but the shape of his struggles is different. He’s taking more control and more responsibility. Kiki is on the final run to the end of her semester. Gleek has been more social and more physically active lately. She’s getting out of the house more than the rest of us.

Somewhere in all the work of the past week, and all the emotional work of the past months, I moved out of the shadow of anxiety and into a place where I can see a bright road ahead. The work is far from done, but in many ways the work is its own reward. This is a good thing.

I’ve done 10-14 hour work days for the past three days. If I can do that for three days more, I’ll still be behind where I’d like to be, but I’ll be less behind than I was. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…