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Sometimes success looks like a failure to those who misunderstand the journey you’re on.

I’ve thought about this frequently as I watch Link take the reins of his own life and forge an educational path which diverges from the majority of his peers. I thought about it when I helped Kiki cancel a freelance contract. I’ve thought about it each time I have to advocate for Gleek and explain that drawing in class represents a triumph over the the other coping strategies that we’ve managed to extinguish. I thought about it when I gave Patch a high five when he managed to pull a D out of a failing grade. Each of these things was a personal triumph though they might look like failure from the outside.

I need to remember this when I look at my own projects and get ready to feel like a failure. Success can be redefined en route and it may look nothing like what I pictured when the project began.

I ran across yet another article that confuses correlation with causation. This time it is KSL saying Why You Should Rethink Your Netflix Binge There was a study done that noticed a strong correlation between people who watched a lot of television and those who had less cognitive function later in life. The trouble is the study has no way to show that the television watching caused the lower cognitive function. It could just as easily be true that people who have lower cognitive function are more likely to watch lots of television. I know that for me one of the biggest signs of depression is that I binge watch Netflix. When the depression backs off, I’m just not interested in watching that much. I’d rather be doing other things. For me it is definitely the depression that causes the binge watching not the other way around. One anecdotal example is not proof of anything, yet it may lead to a line of inquiry. What if we treated habitual binge watching television as a symptom? What if when we saw it in a person’s life and sought out where else they might need help or healing? Symptoms vanish without any work if the core condition is healed.

I met my friend for lunch. We hadn’t seen each other for several months and both of us had many things to tell. Over the next three hours we talked. I ended up taking home most of my food because talking was more important than eating. As I spoke I was surprised to realize how much good news I had to share. Somehow in the past few months many of my things have become incrementally better. There have been no major transformations, just an accumulation of days and choices that trended in good directions. I hadn’t quite realized this until I listened to myself talk to her.

Of course I also spilled my frustrations over the things that are still hard. This included the new, and still ongoing, situation with one of my kids. Yet even there the only real source of discouragement is that between where I am now and the point where it will all be fine again are an unknown number of emotionally charged conversations. I will have to navigate it all carefully and the thought makes me tired.

There are only a few more days between me and the launch of a new year. For me the year truly begins next Monday when we resume our regular school and work schedule. I’ve already mapped out the things I will be doing on the days in between. Those days will pass quickly. I’ll be taking them one by one, because that method has worked the last few months. And maybe somewhere up ahead of me is another moment when I can look back and see how much better things are.

On first glance it is just a box of chocolates, a nice gift. But this box was not purchased, every chocolate in that box was hand made by a great-grandmother assisted by her children and grand children. There are 55 different kinds of chocolates in that box. Creating them is a project that spans from September through December. Or so the note that came with the box tells me. This box came as a gift from a neighbor who knows we’ve been having a rough time. I feel honored that he chose to include us in what is obviously a treasured family tradition.

This is not the only gift that has come to our door in the past few days. We have kind and generous neighbors so there have been all sorts of snacks and treats. I am grateful for them all. Each is evidence of the goodness of people. They took time to think of us. I am especially grateful because other than writing a few Christmas cards, I haven’t had energy to think of Christmas beyond the walls of my house.

I look at these gifts and I’m once again astonished at the many forms that people use to express their creativity, gratitude, and love. Many of these people would be surprised that I use the word creativity in reference to their cookies or roll of wrapping paper. Yet even a hastily purchased candy bar with a note slapped on it is a creation. It seeks to create a feeling of connection and remembrance. It seeks to strengthen a friendship. The thoughts really do count for a lot.

We were only in the store because there was a birthday party. It started soon and Gleek needed a gift for her cousin. The store was bustling with Holiday energy and Gleek found many things that made her squee. We had gift in hand and were headed for the front of the store, when a cover caught my eye. I’d been moving so quickly that I had to backtrack three steps in order to take a closer look. I picked it up, glanced at a couple of pages, falling in love with the little round idea in its pages. I need this book. I felt it with certainty, so I did what I rarely do, I just added it to the stack and kept moving.

The check out line was, naturally, bracketed by items ready to be impulse bought. That was where we saw the 642 books. Again: I need this book. This time I considered longer. I had time since Gleek had to deliberate whether she wanted a 642 book or a craft book for herself. My rational mind had arguments against extra purchasing, but for once I listened to the child desire. More than child desire, it was as if a piece of me recognized itself and leaving the books at the store would be wrong. They came home with me.

My instinct was not wrong. What Do You Do With an Idea? is charming in all the right ways. The 642 book will help me on the days when it feels like I have nothing to say. Not that I’ll use ideas from it for the blog, but that it will help me practice writing regularly again, which has been harder this past year.

Acquiring a new picture book made me remember the other picture books I have that hold a special place in my heart. I’ve collected them together on the shelf. I went to run my fingers over the spines and I remembered how much fun it was to read them aloud to my children. I miss the nightly snack and story time. I miss putting inflection into my words and watching young faces react to the story. I’m certain that story times will come to me again. There will be young children in my life in years to come. For now I’ll just treasure the stories and read them to myself.

Maybe the doctor’s appointment made a difference, or maybe it was the extra three hours of sleep I claimed this morning. But this afternoon I was happy. It wasn’t big happy, just sing along with the music happy. It was the sort of happy that runs a couple extra errands and puts a few more things away because I can see that they need done and I can do them. Howard spent some time this morning putting up lights out in the yard. The tree is up and lit, though it still needs ornaments. We’ve lit candles which put holiday scents into the air and music plays. Christmas is successfully conjured in our house. I’m glad. And I’m even more glad that I can feel glad.

I am not working fast enough. This is what my brain tells me. It is hard to argue with the statement when I can look around and see so much more to be done. Everything interferes with everything else. Time spent helping Link emotionally process is time not spent doing business administration. Time spent on business administration means time not spent on design work. Time spent on design work means time not spent making Patch do school work. Everywhere I look there is evidence of how I could have done things better.

I have a doctor appointment on Thursday. It is time for my annual blood test and thyroid check. While I’m there I’ll discuss the status of my anxiety/depression. I’ll describe what is going on in my body and in my head. Perhaps all of this will lead to additional blood tests, perhaps to adjusted prescriptions. If nothing else it will set my mind at ease a bit. Because anxiety can take any symptom and imagine it into dire illness. The result I would like from the appointment is to discover why I’m functioning at a reduced capacity. I have been for a while. There was a brief return to self for a week or two in October, but it vanished again.

I feel worn out and burdened more often than I feel joyful and energetic. I’m going to see what I can do to change that.

In just a few hours it will be December. I’m finding myself in something of an odd place with that fact. I’ve been shopping for Christmas gifts, but that has more to do with the end-of-year financial planning that I’ve been doing than holiday spirit. Thanksgiving weekend came and went without us pulling the decorations out of storage. Usually they’re up the day after Thanksgiving. I see lights going up all over town and I hear Christmas music in the stores, but somehow it hasn’t made it into my house yet. I should probably do something about that in the next few days. We should put up the Christmas tree at least. We will. At some point the holiday will seep in and I’ll be on board with it. I’ve just got so many other things I need to accomplish with my week.

I am looking forward to Kiki returning home for her winter break. I’m looking forward to the other kids also having time off from school. Rest is a good thing. I guess the trouble is that creating a holiday in the house is a big project and I’m full up on projects right now.

Last night I followed the sound of voices up to Gleek’s room where I found Howard, Kiki, and Gleek in a spirited conversation about a game they all love. This morning it happened again in the kitchen, only the topic was writing, language,the game, and storytelling. Kiki and Howard have long had conversations like this, but somewhere in the past few months Gleek passed a threshold and now she participates too. It makes me happy to hear them.

***

Link will walk toward me and throw his arms wide indicating that he wants a hug. He is much larger than me these days, but never went through a stage where he didn’t want hugs. Neither of my boys have. I’m glad of that, because hugs are a good and healing thing.

***

My two sons sit next to each other at their computers. Images on the screen move and jerk as they pilot their characters through imaginary worlds. They are playing a game together. From the other room I hear the rumble of their voices even when I can’t always hear what they are saying. It was so strange when Link’s voice dropped low, now Patch has joined him so that it takes me a moment to recognize which of them is speaking. Though if Patch keeps growing, his voice may go deeper than his older brother’s. They’re almost matched for height right now despite the six year difference in age. Periodically they erupt into shouts as something particularly exciting happens in the game. I listen and am glad that they’ve found ways to play together.

***

The cat yells at me. It is a long yowling sound which demands attention. So I turn to her and try to figure out what she wants. Sometimes it is a door opened, other times it is food. Frequently she needs me to pet her before she eats. Since the weather has turned cold she has spent more time demanding that I sit down and provide a lap for her to sleep on. I bend over and dangle my hand where she can come rub herself against it. She does not like being picked up, but she loves scritches. She is soft under my hand and I think again about how I thought my allergies meant that we would never be able to have a cat. Then she came to us and my body adapted so that all I experience is occasional nasal congestion instead of massive, can’t-breathe asthma attacks I used to get around cats. This animal has twined her way into our lives and hearts more thoroughly than I would have expected. She is getting older, so I am grateful for every day we get to have.

***

The kids were not thrilled to be in the car, they had other things they’d rather do than be hauled around on errands with their Mom. Yet they were there because they understood that these particular errands were for their benefit and they all needed to be present. It is hard to take passport photos of a person if they stayed at home. The photos happened at a Walgreens and while we were waiting the kids wandered the aisles picking out treats. It has been a long time since all four of my kids were at a store together. I watched as they called each other to look at things. We departed with them more cheerful than they’d arrived. I listened to them in the car as we drove to our next stop. They chattered about games they’d played and things that they’d seen on the internet. All four of them participated in the conversation.

I watched the kids pause for each other as we climbed out of the car and navigated our entrance to the furniture store. I led them through the maze of couches and tables to where they could flop themselves onto mattresses. We decided that our big Christmas gift for the year was to buy new ones for the kids. They were all excited by this because they’d been complaining about their old ones for a while now. I watched them play Goldilocks: too soft, to firm, just right. They all would have liked the super mattress that was out of my price range, but were happy with the nicest we could afford. As soon as we got home the kids scattered to their separate pursuits, but they’ll remember picking out mattresses together.

***

“Are you okay?” Howard asked me. I wasn’t, so he stopped and sat down with me while I talked through some emotions I was processing. It’s been a tough year for me these past twelve months as we’ve been through diagnosis, therapy, and mental health management for several kids. Howard listened, said good things, and made me laugh. I am so fortunate to have him.

8:30 am
I spent the weekend at World Fantasy in Saratoga Springs New York. I have a half-written blog post about that with some lovely autumn leaves pictures.

Yesterday I did quite a bit of running around for my son Link. He needed a non-driving state ID since acquiring the driver’s license does not seem to be in the near future. This task became urgent because he’s now 18 and I realized that he would no longer be allowed to fly on airplanes unless he had an official ID. We also went to look at a transitional program that may be of use to him after high school. Then we dropped off some paperwork at Vocational Rehabilitation where we were told that people are finally being pulled off of the waiting list where Link has been at the top for the last six months. So maybe things will get moving for him soon. That would be good. He’s been very discouraged in the past week or so. When I wasn’t helping Link, I was sleeping. Conventions always create a sleep debt.

Today I pick up where I left off. The trouble is that there are many different categories of things that I put down in order to go to World Fantasy. I have business administration to do in the form of accounting and shipping. I have design work to do on this year’s thank you postcard, Planet Mercenary, and Force Multiplication. There are decisions to be made about how to mitigate our taxes for the kickstarter money. I need to sign up for next year’s healthcare coverage, which requires lots of cross checking and thinking because I can’t just sign up for the same coverage we had this year. I have appointments to schedule. Unpacking to do. House maintenance. It is on days like today where my life feels a bit overwhelming.

7:40pm
I used my time well all day long, and I didn’t accomplish everything I hoped to do. I did many of the things. I think I got the most important things first, yet I’m looking at a tomorrow which needs to be every bit as effective as today was.

8:25pm
Knocked out two more important tasks. Hopefully now my task brain will be willing to shut down so I can relax toward bedtime. And perhaps sometime later this week I’ll be able to crowbar enough space for longer slower thoughts and well-crafted words.