writing

Querying Through the Fog

By / September 21, 2011 / 2 Comments

I’ve been sending out Queries on Stepping Stones for several months now. I haven’t sent all that many. Sorting through online information about literary agents to find one who might be interested is both time consuming and emotionally exhausting. Once I do find one, I then have to adjust and personalize my query letter for that agent. It is hard to convince myself that this expended effort will net me anything beyond rejection letters. A couple of the rejections were personalized and said nice things, which is about the best I expect really. I know that Stepping Stones is full of flaws. I also know that it is something of a niche book; a memoir about the ordinary rather than the extraordinary. Not only that, but it is written in a personal essay format rather than the novel format which is more common for memoirs. So, I know that the project will be hard to sell, will likely have a small print run, and be a marginal earner; hard to believe that a New York agent would get excited by that prospect. Only a persistent and pounding feeling that it was important made me write it at all. Now I send it out because that is my next job. I am responsible for sending out queries. If it is supposed to sell, it will. If it doesn’t sell within a year, I’ll re-evaluate. Perhaps it is only important to me. Either way, I found a weird sense of satisfaction in sending my first paper queries yesterday. All the rest had been via email. There was something more real about putting pages into an envelope and hand writing New York addresses on them.

I’ve been thinking about imposter syndrome lately. It is the persistent belief that one has not actually earned the recognition one has received. I think everyone experiences this to some level, the fear that everyone around us will figure out that we’re only faking and then they’ll de-mask us and ridicule. I’ve been feeling a lot of quiet and pernicious imposter syndrome lately, not so much with professional endeavors, but in friendships and relationships. “They’re just being nice because they’re nice people, not because they actually like you.” whispers the voice in my head. These voices are quiet and pervasive, like fog. I discover myself slowing down, altering my choices because of the fog. If I shine logic and rational thought onto it, the fog melts away. I just wish I could find my way back into sunlight instead of wandering around with a lantern. I think it is coming. Things are getting better as I find my rhythm in the new schedule, as we make adjustments to give me time for my creative things, and as I slowly get my thyroid medications balanced again.

Seeing the imposter syndrome inside my head naturally leads me to think back on my assessments of the quality and likely future of Stepping Stones. I was pretty narrow in my expectations during that first paragraph. Am I doing that as a disappointment management technique? Is it me being unable to accept that I have an accomplishment? Or is it an honest assessment of the book and the market? I really can’t tell and trying to figure it out only sends me in useless mental circles. Instead I need to shut out the noise and just do my job. I send out queries. I write something new. I apply faith and choose to believe that my friends and family love me. Then I keep going, headed for the light.

I Fear the Day When Internet Drama Lands in My Lap

By / September 7, 2011 / 5 Comments

Most days I come to my office and quietly browse through my regular rounds of internet stops. I check email. I post to twitter or Google+. Often I write a blog entry. I’ve built a nice little space on the internet which I inhabit and from which I can venture and sample the other things that are available. But I have a creeping fear that some morning I will come to my computer and discover that someone with a soapbox has decided to stand me on it. This will happen without my permission and in my absence. Soapbox Owner will either stand me there to pelt me with abuse or to demand explanations from me. Sometimes Soapbox Owner’s tone is reasonable and discussion oriented, other times abusive. Either way, I’ll find myself on the box, expected to speak, instead of beginning my work day settling in. Most likely I’ll be dragged to the soapbox for something I am, rather than an opinion I stated. I am blonde and wear braids (Soapbox Owner saw a picture of it on my blog) so I must explain why this is the one right way for blonde people to wear their hair or, alternately, to explain how I dare to wear braids when such things should be reserved for those with red hair. The fans of Soapbox Owner will yammer at me like a pack of dogs, also demanding answers. I must explain my blonde-ness and my braid-y-ness right away. In the tumult I know that if I give the wrong answer they will attempt to rip me to shreds. If I don’t answer that too will be taken as an answer, and the rending will continue on schedule. Either way, my entire day and possibly my week (month? year? some soapboxes are huge) has been derailed. Instead of doing the things I deem important, I have to figure out how to extract myself from internet drama.

This has not happened to me yet. It may never happen to me. I hope it doesn’t, but I have friends who have been through it. It is one of the risks of having a portion of my life take place on the internet. I am more afraid of this than the drive-by hateful comments or emails. Fortunately at my current level of internet exposure, this is extremely unlikely to happen to me. But I hope to be a commercially published author some day. I will become more visible, a more attractive target. It is one of the costs that I must weigh when choosing the path to pursue.

Edited to add: Thanks to Heidi in the comments I have some additional thoughts on this topic.

Once I was at a large party which had broken into smaller groups. I was telling an anecdote to three people, when the larger group had one of those conversational lulls. My voice ran out clear in the silence and everyone turned to look at me. Suddenly I had an audience of twenty instead of three. My stomach clenched. This anecdote was three-person-amusing not twenty-person-funny. I continued on through, because the alternative was to die of embarrassment. Sure enough the anecdote fell flat and the party moved onward. Everyone there is still my friend, and all is good. But that moment when everyone turned to look to me is seared in my memory because I was unprepared. My fear of internet drama is exactly that fear. If/when it happens to me, I will do as I did at the party. I will speak the words I have, knowing they might not be good enough, because that is all I can do.

I also realized that if the actual soapbox issue at hand were hair braids, it would not fill me with fear. I am firmly and calmly in the camp that anyone who wants braids can have them. Having people disagree with that will cause me uneasiness, because I don’t like conflict, but it will not rock my world. Much harder is when the issue hits one of my many pockets of self-doubt. Then I have to speak up even though I’m not sure I’m right. Terrifying. Also I will then spend the next several weeks stewing over the issue even when I have more urgent and important matters to address. (Me coming back to edit this entry could not possibly be an example of stewing. Nope. Not at all.) I am afraid of the soapbox when I am not sure I have the right answer, even though I know that sometimes saying “I haven’t got a good answer.” can itself be the right answer.

Lastly: Soapboxes are important. It is critical that people who own soapboxes are willing to stand on them and draw attention to issues which matter. I have some soapboxes of my own. Mostly they are dusty because of my dislike of conflict. I still have them because the time may come when I have to stand on one and shout. There are times and issues for which confrontational tactics, like standing someone on your soapbox, are necessary. I understand this. I still hope it doesn’t happen to me.

The Final Essays

By / July 18, 2011

I had four essays left to revise. These were the ones I skipped over when I was doing my beginning-to-end revision of the whole book. I skipped them because they were hard and my brain just couldn’t figure out the right way to wrap the words around what I meant. In one case I wasn’t even sure what I meant, which made the word wrapping particularly hard. I finished the big revision push at the end of June, then these essays sat. They sat on my desk printed on paper where I could see them. Out of sight truly is out of mind with as busy as I have been. I needed the occasional stab of guilt when I cleared away whatever was on top of them and found them again. I was feeling the guilt about every third day, but not finding the time to solve the problem.

I have writing projects waiting for me. I’m going to dive into plotting for two books. I have references to read and post it notes ready. I also have a text to read about sentence level construction. Then there are one or two mood books which are in the same genre or have the same feel. I want to read them to feed my writer brain. All of these things are on hold pending the completion of the four essays. If I move on before finishing up, then I’ll lose track of the essay thoughts. I’ll have essays scattered over my work space both physically and in my brain. But if I put them away incomplete, I will never finish them.

Today I sat down for a writer’s hangout on google+. There were four of us writing for 45 minutes and then visiting for 15. Having other people there was more helpful and less distracting than I expected. I stayed in my chair because it felt rude to wander away and not come back. Since I was stuck in my chair anyway, I forced my brain to stop avoiding the essays. I got two done. The two harder ones remain, but I’ve looked them over and am hopeful that my back brain will stew on them and present me with a lovely solution.

For the past week or more, I’ve not spent much time actively being a writer. My focus has been on family and house things with a side order of business tasks. It is interesting to note that rather than feeling like I was suppressing my writing self, I’ve been feeling freed from it. There is a lot of stress associated with seeking publication, and excusing myself from that has been very good. Besides, I have a garden to tend and a dress to sew. The garden will wait, but the dress needs to be complete before August 15 when I leave for WorldCon. Today’s stint with writing also showed me that some of the “freed from” feeling is associated with simple avoidance of effort. I was procrastinating. Having expended the effort and untangled the knots, I feel happy. And my desk guilt has been halved. Tomorrow I’ll do the other half.

Moving Onward after a Quick Turn-Around Rejection

By / July 13, 2011

“I’m afraid this isn’t a match for me, but thank you for the look. I appreciate it.” Said the answering email a mere four hours after I’d sent of the query with a quiet prayer to accompany it. I’d sent it off knowing I was unlikely to hear anything back for months. I was glad of the space. During those months I was free of obligation to that project. During those months I could unwind my tendrils of hope to attach them somewhere else. I know many authors view the long waits for query responses with distaste. I’m sort of glad about them.

Instead I’m staring at the simple words and know that it is time for me to do something again. The ball is back in my court. Instead of waiting, I’m back to researching. I’m also having to quell a whisper of sadness. The tendrils of hope were truncated. It is easy to tell myself the agent didn’t even read the query, but I’m pretty sure he did. It just wasn’t what he was looking for. Then I wonder if the query itself is at fault, if he’d just seen the book then the outcome would have been different. The speculation is pointless. At some point this book will catch the eye of an agent, or it won’t. My job is to write the best book I can, the best query I can, and to send them out. The rest is not my job.

I haven’t the energy to begin researching again tonight. The wisps of sadness are too strong. So I clicked through my regular internet rounds and saw that another person has volunteered to help with the shipping party. Sadness dissipates when faced with such good will. I am fortunate. Then Patch appeared at my elbow even though he was supposed to be in bed. “I just wanted to give you a hug mom.” And he did.

Tomorrow will be full of work. I must assemble a shipment of things for GenCon. I need to help construct a covered wagon for the pioneer parade on Saturday. I need to garden. I’m looking forward to all of these things.

Summer Blogging

By / June 23, 2011

Blogging in the summer is hard. I’m not sure why exactly. I used to think it was because I was always busy in the summer. But so far this summer I’ve not been run-around-in-a-panic, million-things-to-do busy. True, I’ve been editing-multiple-hours-per-day busy, but that is different. Somehow the more laid back, kids-at-home-all-day vibe of summer is just less conducive to the percolation of blog entries. Apparently it is very conducive of hyphenated sentences as nouns or adjectives. Yup. I’m making up rules as I write again. Whee.

I’m not feeling particularly stress about the fact that I’m likely to miss blogging some days over the next couple of months. That happens. Also I’m so very pleased with my writing productivity on other projects. When I switch to drafting fiction rather than editing non-fiction I’ll probably have more bloggish thoughts rattling around in the edges of my brain.

New Projects and Old Fatigue

By / June 18, 2011 / 2 Comments

Last night three ideas, which I have had kicking around in my head for years, stood up and told that they belong together. Obviously. Sure enough they fit together quite beautifully. So now I have the setting, characters, and themes for a book. I can’t start writing it yet, because the book has the barest wisps of what may eventually be a plot. This means that part of me wants to drop everything else and study plotting so that I can write this shiny new book. I can’t drop everything else. This shiny new idea has to get in line. It has to wait for available creative time after I finish this last revision on Stepping Stones. It also needs to wait until after the inevitable influx of creative tasks which accompany opening pre-orders. I’ll be called upon to design post cards, prints, and business cards. These things will require me to blow the dust off of my graphic design books. After all that, I will be able to tackle plotting.

Even at the same time that part of my brain is burbling with excitement about projects, another part is very tired and would really like to go watch some TV now.

“Must we learn new things?” It asks. “I’m tired of learning new things.”

“Yay, new things!” shouts the other part.

The co-existence of these two mind states defies logic, and yet here I am.

Musing upon Someday

By / June 17, 2011

Yesterday I was in the middle of the second hour of my writing time (with one more hour before I would let myself call it quits for the day), when I laughed out loud at what I was reading. My current writing project is a final tweak-things-into-place revision of Stepping Stones before I submit the thing to a contest and send out the next round of queries. What I read was an essay I wrote in the fall of 2007 in which I lamented how so many of my friends were able to spend hours per day on writing. They could make writing take a central position in their lives and at that time I could not. I found peace with my frustration by talking about how things have times and seasons in our lives, and that someday I would have time to devote hours per day to writing tasks. I have been dwelling in “someday” unawares.

I sat back and thought about it. I am actually dwelling in many “somedays” this week. I’m not chasing toddlers. My kids have been getting up and doing their chores without much argument. We’ve got a pre-order opening soon. These are all good things that in days past I looked forward to with anticipation. I still have somedays ahead of me, of course. It is good for me to be dreaming of something better, so long as the dreams propel me forward without making me bitter about today. I’m also aware that this week is a bubble of time in which most of my things are going well. Two weeks from now I doubt I’ll have time to write for 2-3 hours in a day. By August I certainly won’t have that time. Then I’ll once again dream that someday I’ll have more time to write. Somewhere beyond that, I’ll once again discover myself dwelling in someday. Times and seasons really do make a difference in my life.

Facing My Manuscript Yet Again

By / June 14, 2011

Once again I discover why the “Don’t argue with a critique” rule is so important. I got two critiques back on my book in the past week. One of them prompted a strong “you just don’t get what I am trying to do!” response in me. I also felt a bit discouraged about the project as a whole. I did not vent those feelings at the critiquer, thus making her reluctant to critique me again and possibly fomenting familial strife. Instead I let the thoughts simmer. Once all the emotional reactions simmered away, I could see that she was right. She pin-pointed the same problem spots that were also pin-pointed by the second critique (which I opened up just this morning.) Now I just have to figure out what solutions to apply. It will be interesting when my third requested critique arrives if she picks out the same issues.

So now I’m back to fiddling with my manuscript, making it all tighter, feeling like it may be worthwhile after all. I certainly hope so, because I’ve got queries out and it is being entered into a local contest by the beginning of next week.

New Things I am Learning

By / June 8, 2011 / 2 Comments

1. How to research and query agents. I’m starting by asking my friends about their agents, once I’ve dried up that source of information I’ll resort to the internet.

2. How to set up our online store for a pre-order. This is one of those things which I expected to learn once, but instead I have to re-learn every time I do it. The software keeps updating and changing in between pre-orders. Also our needs shift and change from book to book. On the list of things to research for the store: how to set it up to deliver electronic only files and if it can track orders based upon how a customer arrived at the site. (It would be useful to be able to figure out if a tweet or a blog post is more effective in driving sales.)

3. Graphic design. I have text books sitting on my desk and gathering dust. I fully intend to study them and get better at this job I’ve been doing for four years now. I want to know how to purposefully create rather than just muddling through.

4. How to manage four kids at home all day and still get my work done. Again, it seems I should know how to do this, but the kids change from one year to the next making hard things easy and introducing new hard things. Also the summers have different demands, different camps, different scheduled items. Last year there were swim lessons, this year I haven’t scheduled any. This year there will be a summer drama camp if I can ever get in touch with the teacher long enough to get the kids registered. Generally I get it figured out just in time for everything to shift around again.

5. Marketing. There are always marketing things to learn. If I learn and apply marketing skills then (in theory) we will have more money. More money means less immediate stress. I like being less stressed, but I still don’t like marketing.

6. Freelance non-fiction writing. I’m just on the front edge of this, beginning by emailing some people I know who do it. I have enough writing skill that I could be earning money this way. But before I can earn money I have to figure out how to find people who are willing to pay for my words. Then I have to figure out what kinds of words I am willing to sell. Ideally I’d be able to sell some of my essays with only minor revision. Getting paid is not the only aspect of this which interests me. I like being able to say things which are useful to others.

7. How to make over a dress. I already know a lot of sewing, but a make-over project is inherently dictated by what already exists. I have to figure out each step as I go. I’m also doing researches on acquiring discounted materials.

8. How to pick up and start writing a new project after completing a large project. This one is harder than I would have thought.

It would be so lovely to be able to focus on learning one new thing and be really excited by it. That is not my life. I’m not sure that luxury comes to very many people in this world. At least most of these things do not have fear attached. I like it when I can learn without being driven by terror of failure.

Snippets from the Weekend

By / June 5, 2011

Our friend Mike got baptized yesterday morning. It was one of many decisions he has made to change his life from drifting and unhappy, into focused and goal-oriented. Mike has taken control of his life and is choosing who he wants to be. The fact that he picked our church brings us joy, but even more joyful is seeing how he chooses every day to do hard things because they take him where he wants to go. Most adults are not willing to dare to change so much about who they are. It inspires me to look at my own life and see if there are things that I am afraid to change.

***

Yesterday evening Howard was grouchy and decided to get out of the house. He wandered his way down to the Provo Festival of Books where several of our published author friends were presenting. Within an hour he called me because he’d arranged for a whole group to head out for dinner. I set Kiki and Link to babysitting the younger two and then drove myself down to join them. The world is a wonderful place when we can gather a group of friends for dinner and then later realize that 4 of them are New York Times bestselling authors and one was a Nebula award winner. All that authorial importance at the table and somehow the evening was completely lacking in ego. I love being at the table with high-energy creative people. They work really hard and that is why they have succeeded. Just as inspiring to me were the other people at the table, the ones who have not yet earned banner success, but who are also high-energy creative people. Dinners like that one are one of the rewards for the fretting and work we do much of the rest of the time.

***

The snowball bush is finally in bloom. Usually the blooms arrive in mid-May, but they were delayed by the cool weather. This means it is time for the annual snowball bush flower fight. This is where the kids pick snowball-shaped clusters of white flowers and throw them at each other or fling them into the air like confetti. Also in full bloom are my irises. They’re swirling their petals like Spanish dancers and filling the air with a spicy floral scent. These things thrive despite my neglect of them in recent years. I hope that this summer I can spend more time with them.

***

The thought arrived during the closing hymn. We were on the second verse of “Be Thou Humble” when I knew that though my currently-in-query-process book and all my future writings will bring me criticisms, the good accomplished by them will far outweigh the negative criticism. It was a calming thought. I have been much worried about how bad reviews and hateful comments would injure me. My book is based in my life and it will be very hard to remain objective. I have some of the same concerns in my blog. I often have an impulse to leave things unsaid and thus shield myself. But the good will outweigh the difficulty. I can hold on to that.

***

The chore lists have been updated and placed on our bulletin board in the kitchen. Each child has a grid. Seven days of the week across and ten weeks down. Each day that they complete their list of chores they fill in a square. At the end of the week, each filled square represents allowance money. Each completely filled week adds to the bonus which they can earn at the end of the summer. It is a new iteration of an old system, and thus more easily understood by the kids than explained in words. They all contemplated their charts, running calculations in their heads about money they could earn and what they could buy. I look at the charts and hope that they will help tame the household chaos and teach my kids the value of daily effort. Howard and I also have daily household chore lists. We could learn the same daily effort lesson in regards to household maintenance. The system will probably fall apart. I just hope it is tight enough to last through 10 weeks of summer.

***

I sat on a stool in my kitchen reading out loud from a manuscript page. Kiki was rolling out biscuits as she listened. Link and Patch just sat in chairs, listening with bright eyes and smiles. Mom reading aloud is fairly common, but this story was about them. One of the rules I set myself for my book was that the kids would get ultimate approval about what I say about them. This was their chance to hear my words and tell me what they thought. They loved hearing the stories, even when the stories were about their mis-behaviors and childishness. We still have more to read, but thus far only Link has requested a change. It is a minor wording change which will leave the heart of the story intact. It is a small thing to do to acknowledge to my kids that their opinions matter to me.